Shiny Violet Star

Thursday, November 4, 2021

The Backlog from Actual Hell Part 1: Summertime Blues Baby.. Fashion + Life Shit + Finally Becoming the Bitch Everyone's Rumored Me to Be

I hardly ever update this blog anymore but some of you said that you enjoy reading here, so why not? Especially since I'm taking a break from YouTube and other fuckery for a little bit, I can place some of my focus here. Most of the time I don't update because I'm hunched over a laptop grinding out essays for classes and by the time I'm finished with that, my wrists hurt. 

Anyway, on to the backlog. 

In July I had decided to finally get some dental work done now that I'm finally vaccinated. I just had a couple of fillings that I didn't get to the last visit. I thought it was worse than what it actually was..haha.. Thank god. I'm super excited to work a proper career that's stable so I can take better care of myself in the future... -sobs- Doing stuff without insurance in this country is insane. My next goal sometime this or next month is to update my glasses prescription. 

Anyway, I vlogged my trip to the dentist since I was finally getting out of the house. It had been awhile since I had taken public transportation and it felt a bit surreal heading to the South Bay on it. I used to do so all the time in my teens and early twenties but I'm more apt to be up in San Francisco rather than the San Jose area nowadays. 

For my look, I kept it simple because's the dentist? haha.. I wore some SPR out that was actually super comfortable. Though I was dying towards the end walking through parking lots. I forget that black and layers suuuuper attracts heat. 

I wore a smaller diameter contact lens and just did a basic smoky eye. Not gyaru at all. Just J-Fashion-based. 

I had to stall around at a mall for a little bit as shown in the vlog I did. I had gone a bit feral with the in-person shopping. It had been a while since I had looked at stuff in person and I found a couple of different shops that piqued my interest. Which is strange! I haven't been interested in stuff like this outside of importing in a minute. 

I restocked some of the makeup items I was running low on. I had to change my setting powder up because I think the one I used got discontinued. x_x dang. I also bought my first Fenty item. I got one of the Killawatt highlighters in How Many Carats which is suuuper pretty but not good on a power base. And I *always* powder my foundation thanks to combo skin so dang.

There's another makeup store that was in the mall that I also tried out and they had a couple of JCat items in there. I bought a liquid highlight in a good silver and another brand's liquid eye shadows to see if they can dupe Stila's. 

I also hit up a couple of clothing stores because the front window's outfits looked super appealing. If you live in the the US, there is a store branch called "Q" that has a ton of really cute gyaru-able clothing. Another gyaru blogger, Amii.iman also checked out the store and covered it on her blog when she vacationed in Southern California and we both shared the same sentiments, 'This shit looks like d.i.a'. And indeed, some of the items really do look like their brand in a sense and it really made me excited about new clothing for the first time in a little while honestly. The items reminded me of the early 00s when I'd shop at two clothing brands called Basic and Rave. I super recommend it. 

Another thing I noticed at the mall was there were a lot of kids dressed alternatively. This was so wild for me because I am so used to being overdressed or just not feeling safe when I go out to normal places. I actually for once, felt extremely reassured and that's something I haven't felt going on in the things I dress in the longest of time. 

It definitely made me happy and then another part me was like, "man..we crawled so ya'll could fly". Forreal, the amount of shit I got two years ago when I dressed the way I did was insane. Now it's suddenly cool and I'm still feeling whiplash over that shit. I'm happy that things are becoming more acceptable and that perhaps it's becoming safer finally to go out and be different? It will never ever fully be safe but I always like to think there's a strength in numbers that just feels a lot more reassuring than attempting things alone. 

A few weeks later I also did a look with one of the items that I bought from Q. It was another dentist day. I was kinda worried about wearing make up the way I did to the dentist and man...I really thought I was going to look crazy after I got out the chair but thankfully Urban Decay All Nighter setting spray did not do me dirty. All I had to do was touch up a little when I got home. Due to that, I filmed a couple of YouTube videos and InstaReels. It's funny how eyelashes and a deeper color of lip can change an entire fucking look up. I feel like my face is instantly feminized when I throw in lashes. 

After all of the dentist stuff, while it was still warm in July, I ended up doing a rendition of what I like to call "new wave old school". This is actually a really important discussion but let me get into the look first. 

I've always had a love/hate relationship with Alba Rosa as a brand. Why? Because it's overhyped. There are so many other old school brands out there if people actually did their research. But nobody does and due to that, Alba is hyped up and thus overpriced due to the novelty status of owning it. Which is unfortunate because there are a couple of Alba items that I do enjoy. However, I also enjoy other brands as well and have recently purchased some "indie" brands that are equally as cool and are old school so I'm glad that I'm not entirely docking myself from enjoying what old school is. 

Its done so much that I grew to hate it because I saw nothing else. It didn't feel original anymore, However, I grew to like it again once the hype kind of died down. Call me a sell-out but I've always had fond memories of the early and mid-00s and late 90s. I don't hate it. I just saw it too much and for a while, the whole oredeal with treated like a TikTok micro-trend. 

Another reason I never did old school before was due to the aesthetic. I don't tan. I literally just turn lobster and can not be bothered to always change up my foundation shade. Especially when I swear my Nars and really haven't found a foundation I like outside of a Nars. That's a lot of money to always be changing up your shade range. So I was always worried that if I wore the designs I enjoyed but in a not typical old school way, people would be mean about it.

And then it occurred to be by last December, that none of that should even matter. I should place my own spin on old school because it is only done *one way* usually. 

So by July, I was actually really excited to experiment and come up with a fun rendition of old-school gyaru fashion. A lot of the pieces I've collected are really crazy colors which I really enjoy because it gives me an excuse to go all out with fun colors for eye shadow. 

For my look, because I couldn't tan, I focused on two aspects. Sparkling highlights/bling and bright colors. I wanted to slightly base it on early 2000s celebrity culture back when everyone tried the beach look at least once, at that includes in the West and not just limited to Japan. 

For my eye makeup, I decided that instead of throwing on a white base, that I would throw on a blue base. Frosty blues were such a vibe in the late 90s and early 2000s. Because I'm so pale, anything pure white has a hard time showing up, so I needed something with an undertone. Blue shows up decently on me and there was blue in my Alba dress. Instead of the typical gyaru eye makeup that is associated with old school, I decided to keep my eye makeup the way I would usually do it. I wasn't focusing on tanning or harsh contours so anything with a lot of eyeliner or crazy droops would have been just that. It would have looked crazy. Instead, I took inspiration from an Ayumi Hamasaki video. 

In Kanariya, she has bling all over her. I placed bling around my eyes as a nod to that. I felt like it was a really glamorous gyaru touch that I undoubtedly recall seeing in videos from that era of time, even on gyaru. It definitely made a resurgence again in 2007 because Tsubasa was rocking bling around her eyes and face also in Popteen where I was reminded that people would do that. It's been one of my favorite additives to my looks lately. It's such a fun little detail. For eyelashes, the more spider-looking, I felt like the better. I tried a new set of bottom lashes that have immediately become my favorite and I regret not buying more packs of them because now they're almost impossible to find. 

For my cheeks and lips, I focused on warm tone colors to align the fact that my dress had red and orange in it. I applied an orange Canmake blush and a lip color from Flower Knows that is extra glossy. I added the Holika Holika lip plumper ontop so it made my lips freaking huge in pics. Shit works. Highly recommend. 

For my hair, I just straightened it and added a bumpit in for volume. I was really shocked how popular my hair was with people given it's not in the best state but I do feel like the bumpit gave it a nod to the retro-vibes that were also big in the 2000s. 

For my outfit, it's quite simple. The bag is a literal vintage Cocolulu beach bag that I somehow scored for 2 bucks. The bamboo handles truly sold it for me and the fact that I have two other tops in green/blue also justified it. I love how it matches the green and blue in my Alba Rosa dress. Truly, it brought out such a neat detail that kind of contrasts the otherwise, warm tones of the dress. I added a monogram necklace that has my name on it (which is custom because nothing ever has my name on it) and it had palm leaves and hibiscuses. I have matching gold hibiscus earrings also in but you can hardly see them sadly. 

I loved how the Alba dress has a ton of their slogans on it in white as well. In all, it's just an extra AF dress. I'm pretty thick so it was a bodycon on me but I'm not about that. It is what it is. 

The shoes are from FashionNova. I got them in 2020 back when all hell broke loose with lockdown. I saw em and hated the clear bits but in terms of height and design, it was as close as I was ever fucking getting to a proper wooden platform. These cork even which is ughhh but like I said, you take what you can get. I would sacrifice my first child for proper wooden platforms to come back in. Ya'll use the Demonias for the winter but I was a strappy wooden platform designed right for my summers pls. 

When I did this look, it was actually to prove a point. That gyaru doesn't have to be linear as long as you are still incorporating elements of the fashion and following the basic rules that are distinctive to the fashion. Cohesion is really important and most fashion even outside of gyaru is inspired by or nodding to something else. That's exactly what I did and placed a lot of thought and love into coordinating the whole fit from the outfit down to the hair. 

It was also proof that you didn't necessarily need to tan in order to enjoy this sort of style. Trust me, I used to be self-conscious about that too and thought that I needed to fit into a mold in order for me to be "allowed" to enjoy the design I liked. However, I realized that was nonsense. You can be a fan and not abide by such a linear road when it comes to the fashion. Gyaru is changing and evolving, and while I'm not necessarily appealed by some of the direction it has taken in the past few years, I think there's nothing wrong with making what's old new again but in a way that is inclusive for everyone. I think different ways of doing things are interesting just as long as the base is down. 

My make-up felt modern but yet, it still nodded to the old by being blue undertoned with bling. The lash placement was different but was still undeniably gyaru. The wave pattern reminded me of the 60s and 70s so I made my hair have a slight nod to that intention. 

I think the problem with a lot of new era fashion or gyaru fashion coming out today is the lack of thought placed into coordination. Why do you place the things together that you do? Where is your inspiration coming from? What textures and colors are you playing with? What is the focal point of the outfit?

A lot of times in street snaps, a lot of the people featured would be asked, what is your fashion point today? I have even been asked this question at J-Fashion shows I've participated in and I've always had ready a key item or a key theme/concept. I think that's incredibly important when it comes to cohesion. It's the issue with microtrends. It's a trend and most people don't really think about why it's a trend or why it aligns with them. They do it because everyone else does it. 

It's the whole reason I didn't join in on the old-school hype back when it thrived. It was a gyaru community microtrend that would come and go. You could tell you really did align with that style and who was following based on the love and effort placed into an outfit. 

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you, and what aligns with you. For me? That means having fun with fashion because I enjoy all of it. Nothing is particularly a phase or a trend for me. I dress according to mood or inspiration. I attempt to make whatever I'm wearing my own in some way or another. 

I took a quick trip with friends out to Sacramento, which felt bizarre given that the last time I was there, it was when I was dorming at the university. It was weird being in a place that I used to live at but not live there anymore. I had gotten in such a routine of my friends being able to conveniently drop me off on the way dropping off another friend but now they have to take a stupid loop to my place and back again..which..ugh sucks. 

We just quickly had dinner and caught up on things since we hadn't seen each other in over a year. I threw on such a fucking quick outfit given I didn't know I was going out until the last minute. 

The theme was pink and 2005/2006. So everything I'm wearing is based on that era of time. The top is super old LL. This era of LL has literally turned me into an LL snob because now all I want is really old LL that occurred before the floral print took over the brand exclusively. The skirt is just one of those trended pleated jean skirts that I felt worked super well with top. The belt is the infamous Ma*rs chain belt like the diamante bling. It spices up every outfit I throw it with. You'd have to pry this belt from my old dead hands. I love this item. For shoes I could have gone with the JD clear pink mules but I wanted to be comfortable so I just decided to go with blinged-out pink Juicy Couture slides that are just as era-appropriate. I added a gold Chrome Hearts necklaces and wore my polkadot bling pink SV chain clutchbag because it matched pretty well. 

I hate my hair in these pics but my flat iron broke and my hair needed relayering (which I did the day after because I was so annoyed) so...we're just gonna ignore that. I don't think my 30 minute makeup job was too bad. Given the fact that 2006 makeup is pretty simple, my time constraint forced me to simple and thus, it's actually kind of fucking accurate. God bless. 

This I guess is a good point to transition into my San Francisco Adventure with Ichigo. This is a hard one because originally I vlogged this trip but with my YouTube currently being down, I don't have much to show for it. 

Ichigo and I habitually try to match or align our outfits when we hang out. It's really fun to do and I always feel like we're a very cohesive team when they do that. I feel like our theme for that day was red x black. I decided to finally bust out one of my favorite rokku pieces currently. I wasn't sure if San Francisco was going to be cold that day but took the risk with wearing long sleeves. 

This is an old school SPR piece that I loooove. It's such a cute piece. TRLL also makes similar prints and silhouettes in some of their onepieces but minus the studs and shit. I am a bitch for plaid and this screamed my name when I saw it for a reasonable price. Plus SPR comes in sizes which is also stupidly helpful. For this look, I decided to do half-up twintails inspired by Pikarin or as some could say, Misa Amane in weeb world, however, instead of leaving them straight I decided to curl them to give the outfit a cuter look given that the dress has lace and all. 

I added some Chrome Hearts accessories such as a necklace and bracelet because the buttons on the dress also have Chrome Hearts-inspired details. My shoes are my typical rokku platform sneakers that I even bust out for concerts because they can take a beating and I'm short, so a platform is helpful. My bag is that one bag I bought that I've actually been exclusively carrying lately as I've been doing rokku stuff a lot. I added a foxtail to it just as a neat little detail. People used to do shit like that all the time and I kept my old one. 

Ichigo and I mostly hung out in Japan Town that day. I had not been to the city since pre-pandemic back when Acme did a tour stop in San Francisco. Ironically I also wore black x red rokku wear then too so I'm just going to conclude that when I'm in the city that rokku is the fucking default look. 

A lot of businesses sadly have closed down given the lack of business during the pandemic and the fact that rent here is insanely high. Our favorite PuriKura place closed back in December of 2020 and it broke my heart walking past the closed boarded-up doors of one of my favorite hang-out spots. There are a lot of empty storefronts where arcades, food places, and stores used to me. There's one side of the mall that is crazily cleared out. My go-to Okonomiyaki place was gone on that side, an old long-running restaurant up the incline was gone, the clothing store next to Kuishinbo is vacant, and the big storefront across the Okonomiyaki place is gone, and Ichibankan long went out of business. In all, it looked like a dead zone if it hadn't been for Daiso downstairs and Uji Time's popularity on the lower floor. I'm really hoping that new family businesses or innovative places can occupy those spaces in the future because it truly is such a fun mall. 

Ichigo and I tried out a pretty famous ramen spot and I felt pretty good after out meal. Ramen typically makes me feel like shit but this place portioned it so nicely that I didn't feel awful at all. I wasn't so full that I was sick nor was a hungry until way later on in the day after I had walked a ton. 

We went on a hunt for Dollywink eyeliner and recently, that shit's been the black market. I think we had gone three different stores in San Francisco and couldn't find shit. The slot for it was there but it was empty as heck. Ichigo later on in a different city tried to get the goods only for it to be out of stock even at the huge grocery store in San Jose. It has truly been a struggle and it's definitely affected how the heck I've been doing my eye makeup lately. Most pens here in the US are expensive or felt tip and just too thick for what I want to do. Other eyeliners are kind of watery but at least they're brush tip. 

In all, lately, I've just been frustratingly wearing lopsided eye makeup because I'm not used to fucking with different eyeliner that isn't nearly as precise as what I am used to using. 

Before we left, I paid my friend Mari a visit at the video store she worked at. I thought that now would be the time to spend money on local legacy business given the climate of shit right now. They had some reasonably priced Sailor Moon Q-Poskets. Ichigo got Michiru and I got Haruka. <3 I was so nice seeing Mari after so long. It felt relieving seeing someone and something familiar when so much change has taken place. It was truly comforting. 

We also traveled to a separate mall near my old university and omg, it's like a new Japan Town. There were so many businesses there that either are in Japan Town or are Japanese if not Korean. They're adding in a Kura soon even. They had the Maiko Matcha Place, Uniqlo, Miniso (which isn't Japanese despite it's logo but you get my point), a couple of Japanese and Korean beauty stores, 85C is there, Tetsu for Japanese Cheesecake (one of which I got to take home since I've never tried them before). 

To close off our trip, we made a boba run at PurpleKow which is actually my favorite boba spot in the Bay Area. Their boba tastes super fresh and the tea is very decent. I haven't had it in years and I was literally yodeling at the first sip of milk tea and boba because ahhh..I really do miss things like this and it's such a rarity to enjoy it because I don't live close by. haha.. 

Afterward, both Ichigo and I became very busy and we haven't made plans to hang out since. School kicked off for both of us and we are having our asses kicked by our workload. 

It's by final semester before I graduate and I am just..swamped with things to do among some other personal life shit which really sucks and I can't really disclose it all here. I'm really anxious but excited about the future. 

I've been placing my focus mainly on schooling and networking lately rather than on gyaru fashion. I did make time over the weekend of my birthday because I do miss getting to dress up and do fun things. I also treated myself insanely well for my 30th birthday because it feels like a milestone to be here at this point in time. It's taken me a while to build myself up and accomplish things but I'm glad that I am making progress finally. 

My two looks were really fun. The first one was a very romantic boho-style Liz Lisa look that got lots of sweet compliments. My theme was "transitioning from summer into fall" through warm-toned colors and creams. I think the stand-out feature was the way I've really made my under-eye highlight look super wet underneath (inspired by Tsubasa who used to do that), the dual-toned lip color, and of course, my mermaid waved hair that truly made me feel like a Popteen model. 

The second look was an all-off brand look (to prove a point that yes, you can, if you're creative enough and know what you're aiming for). I was kind of inspired by Sayo Hayakawa from Ageha. I can't say this is a full agejo look but it felt like an Ageha-kei type of look. The dress is a Macy's halter dress from the 2000s that I added a GI brooch onto the bust area to make it *feel* more Ageha-esque. I originally bought the dress to match my Louis Vuitton x Takashi Murakami shoes that I bought myself as a Christmas present. The brown super matched still and the pink the middle feels like a nod towards the cherry blossom print on the shoes. The brooch also is silver in the middle and the shoes have croc-skin silver detailing and bling. I added a Vivienne orb pearl choker in a pink and silver colorway that I find maybe was the lacking part of this outfit other than my hair. I wish I had one of those long blingy Ageha-style necklaces that went in between the titties because the dress' neckline was low enough to be able to wear one of those nicely. I added a Hermes-style scarf as a headband to the look because I felt like my hair needed something. 

I was SUPPOSED to curl my hair but I was so burnt out from the day before's look that I opted to do my hair straight because fuck it. I made up for it by doing the hair I wanted to do recently for my Halloween look. So if I do this again, I totally know what hair I am doing and my plan for it worked out. Most of the time when my hair turns out how like I envisioned it or if it's just cool looking hair-it's totally by accident. 

For my birthday I bought myself a new phone while my trade-in value for my old phone made sense. I'm trying to possibly move countries in the future and felt like it would be good to have a stable unlocked phone. I invested in the iPhone 13 Pro Max. It's actually my first time having a phone on a release date and also my first time having a Max version of a phone. I read a lot on my phone (a lot of school textbooks digitally lately) so the big screen size is very forgiving on my eyes. It also helps me have more space for editing pictures or just generally editing InstaReels or whatever else. I also exclusively film my YouTube videos on my phone so it's nice to have a big screen in order to fully see what is going on as I film. 

I also did a huge fucking brand order. I wanted to do a YouTube video on my haul but I feel like any time I do a haul people talk shit or think it's pretentious even though I feel like hauls are fun and I enjoy seeing what people get. I got a really diverse set of clothing this round and my last haul for a very long time because I am now focused on other things. Like school and wanting to get my own place etc etc. so I won't be doing clothing hauls for a very long time. I actually knew that this was coming up in the future for me, so I went a bit crazy knowing that things would be a little tight budget-wise in the future. And given how the resell climate is right now, I really wanted to buy some dream pieces just in case they would be inflated a fuck ton or rare to find entirely by the time I came back into the buying game.  

I also bought the most recent Egg magazine. I think I've told you guys that even though I don't personally like the new style of Egg mag, I still like to keep informed. I almost didn't buy it but Airi convinced me to. So my condition was, if I can find one signed by one of the cover models, I would buy it. 

I lucked out and I bought a couple of signed things once I realized how to find signed things. haha.. I got the newest Egg magazine signed by Kirei (Kiiripu) who is one of my favorite Egg models of the new bunch. I'm also a huge fan recent of Eripi who I am convinced is going to carry this fucking magazine in the future. I love her make-up style and just..she's really on point most of the time. 

I also SOMEHOW managed to score some Tsubasa Masuwaka posters from when she models for a compilation album called 'Love Nation'. Funnily enough, there used to be video of the photoshoot that my posters were from. I wonder if I can still find that video. 

I bought one poster because it super girly and pink. However, I found a signed one right afterward and NEEDED IT because jfc...It was Tsubasa Masuwaka's signature. I don't even care how. It just looks look on my wall next to my collection other signed things. 

So in that regard, my haul was really fun. 

Lately, I've been working on my desk space because I am here working a lot now. I had a bad habit of working where I slept when it came to remote schooling and work. So this last semester, I decided that I needed to separate where I worked from where I slept. I worked on making a really cute mini-office space inspired by a lot of the kawaii desk setups I've seen on Instagram and TikTok. I will say that having a cute space has inspired me a lot and has made me more productive in this area. I have lights, a phone stand so I can multi-task between the laptop and phone, a humidifier (mainly because my mother smokes too much and I hate it and am trying to combat it), I have cherry blossom flowers with light...and in all just a lot of colored lights. I have a lot of signed stuff up on the wall above me (tho it's not all of my signed stuff actually. It's spread throughout the room). It's a really comforting space to work currently and I am enjoying it. 

I should probably discuss current matters given there is a lot of changes on my social media platforms because it's too big of an issue and a change to not bring up otherwise.

I think I've discussed before how fed up I am with kids literally vetting veteran gals (or gals who aren't vets) based on race or anything else for that matter. This is always an exhausting fight that leads to so many of my friends deleting their social media or being afraid to post due to relentless bullying that occurs on their own platform. The same goes for people trying to drag Japanese models for whatever reason. I'm sick of seeing that energy. I should follow my own advice, if I don't align with someone, it's as easy as not engaging with them anymore and blocking them as should they. And I will be doing that from now on.

My opinion is, if this fashion is so "offensive" and you're constantly canceling it for whatever reason? It's probably not the fashion for you and you should probably stop forcing yourself to like something that you're constantly getting triggered by. 

It sounds bitchy but when your friends have to go through shit even on their own social media, it's too much. I finally had it and defended a friend because my patience wore too thin.There's so much tension when it comes to topics like this and I hate when anyone is asked "are you xyz race?"...because at the end of the day, it's really nobody's fucking business. Unless they're close friends or are engaging with you regularly, you don't owe somebody that answer. It's why there's a 'decline to state' on forms in places. It's honestly nobody's business and is just rude to think 'oh if you're xyz you can't do gyaru'. Fuck that shit. ANYONE. Absolutely ANYONE can do gyaru. Nobody has that power to give you permission to do anything. I can't tell you how many of my mixed-race friends get shit on constantly. 

I'm also extremely tired of my race always having a negative connotation behind it. Not all of us are ignorant assholes and most of the time when someone makes a generalization, I understand they're not meaning *everyone*. However, when death threats, bullying, and other shit constantly has been going on-it becomes a fucking problem that I'm done tolerating. I understand where people come when they say certain things that they say. Trust me, even I am sometimes like, "fucking white people" with a facepalm because I sometimes see it and go through as someone who basically has fit in nowhere racially. I've literally put myself in literal danger even for being different or a 'traitor' or whatever through the eyes of someone training to be a cop a few years back by defending a roommate who was from overseas and it sucked immensely. Trust me. I get what people mean in many other environments and contexts-and I'm with you on that but this ain't it. This is a fucking FASHION. A HOBBY.. I'm sick of being told I deserve to be harmed or mass euthanized for liking J-Fashion or being Gyaru and just so happening to be white. That's disgusting behavior. I've had other friends who are different races and places express the same experiences and feelings and it's just overall a shitty experience and it shouldn't be welcome within our communities. Period. Regardless of what race you are, it's shitty and shouldn't be happening to you. 

 Gyaru isn't supposed to be the place where any of this type of thing goes on. Politics have no place in this fashion and most people just wanna look at cute clothes, talk about models, and just chill out. It's supposed to be an escape from that real world bullshit that we typically doom scroll through. And when people are trying to fucking justify their racism by disguising it via social justice or whatever activism it is-it's an issue. You can be racist towards anyone. Hate speech absolutely is hate speech regardless of who it is and whom it's coming from. I see people overall just being nasty to everyone regardless of what they look like. You know it's an issue when huge figureheads of J-Fashion communities are having to come to the defense of people who are victims to this bullying. So much attention has been brought to this even from outside sources and it's just an embarrassing look for the J-Fashion community as a whole to consistently have their content policed based on what race they are or whatever else. 

I mentioned this on my Instagram post but, can you imagine how many gyaru content creators we could have if people weren't like this? There are so many vetgals who have tons of resources they could share and so much misinformation could be dispelled if people would just allow long-time figureheads to fucking exist without being bullied or ran off. It's really discouraging currently as a content creator. I've been doing the YouTube thing since 2013 and this blog as been up for as long and it's frustrating to see people dip and out of making things due to people just overall being gross to them. I was so excited when I saw an influx of YouTubers and whatever else and it hurt to see so many people disappear. Misinformation gets spread because people who do know a lot get run out. We're not allowed to share or speak. People only pay attention to what we look like or what we're into and start running their mouths. 

So yeah, I paid the consequences by having an opinion that if you're cancelling things left and right please cancel everything and leave so the rest of us can enjoy in peace. I got dragged for defending a friend from a shitty remark about their race and witchhunted by attempting to be proactive by asking who and where also said shitty things to other people because nobody should be saying anything fucked up to anyone to start with. I'll tell them off myself. Because I'm sick of this constantly being a conversation and this discourse continuously going on in a community that shouldn't even revolve around these issues. 

I feel like without discussing why none of this is okay, it's not ever going to get solved. I heard someone also explain this in a YouTube video, how it's such a touchy subject to cover but if it's not openly discussed, it's just going to get worse and never be solved. Hence why I said anything and am saying anything now. You can't solve the issue without involving the other party also. If you keep screaming that this is an issue but exclude yourself from wanting to collaborate and actively fix your issue? Then nothing will be done. Period. 

In terms of preferences, people align with others who share the same styles as them or whatever else.  I really don't think it's based on what people think it is. Some of the gals who do have large followings do so because they selflessly contribute to their community. Just posting an outfit shot or selfie isn't really contributing to your community. You need to engage with other people. If you don't allow others to get to know who you are as a person, how can you expect for them to want to engage with you as well? You have to share the things you like or what you're into. You have to be open to making friends with other fellow gals in order to really gain that sense of community acceptance that you desire. Otherwise, you'll be alone. Sometimes it's fine being alone. Personally, I don't need a community to be gyaru myself. I just enjoy doing it for myself at this point and if people support me and are along for the ride? That's fine too. 

You also have to make gyaru related things for the right reason just as much as people should be doing gyaru for the right reasons. If you're only doing it to become popular or gain a social media following-then you'll be disappointed. This isn't that type of Instagram influencer type of deal and gyaru as a whole isn't as popular as it once was. There's not a lot to work on compared to the past where brands debuted a lot, fashion shows showcased brands and new models, gals events, etc. It's a lot more underground now than it was during its peak and because of that, you really do have to like it because you like it. Because yeah-you're not going to gain that traction that you think you will assume that it's unique enough to stand out. I've had baby gals disclose this to me before, them wanting to be famous and known for doing gyaru. That's the wrong approach to this. You just need to happen to be gyaru and pursue your goals. You can't use this fashion to pursue anything. It doesn't work that way. You can almost tell who's doing it for the right reasons who isn't given the excess of monotonous "how2gyaru 101" content versus shit down and shown outside of that. Anyone who actually knows more has more to talk about. And nobody who hasn't been in participating this fashion for a good while should be educating anyone on anything. Mainly because you're contributing to the misinformation that can occasionally lead to bullying or other excessive bullshit. 

This is why I started the magazine flipthrough project with other gyaru. This is why I did heavy style analysis formatted as I went through so nothing I said wasn't backed up by something I was noticing or seeing. I didn't want to just make stuff for new gals or outside people but also for veteran gals because there was a lack of content online for people who didn't need the 101 run-through. Now there are a few people covering models or style journies and it's such a refreshing change of pace and I'm grateful for that because that's more of what we need to see and it's furthest thing from a clout chase but people who actually are enthusiastic either observing things or participating. 

There's also nothing wrong with people being a fan of gyaru but not participating or being an enthusiast who knows a lot about gyaru but maybe isn't gyaru. You don't have to participate to like something. It just means you have to try harder to contribute or engage because unfortunately like most alt-fashions, people are hesitant to engage with outside people because we don't know if you're a creep or not because sadly creeps and weirdos have definitely been invited in at one point or another. 

In regards to the witchhunt based on me; I am not at all shocked. The people who started this weren't following or supporters of me to start with. They used to follow me back when I was beneficial to them and this ordeal was just an excuse to hate me further than they already lowkey did. They leapt upon the opportunity to influence other people based on their dislike of me. If anyone fully saw the conversation and knew me well enough as a person, they'd understand where my intentions were coming from and knew I meant no harm what-so-ever. But like I said, none of these people actually know me at all nor did they support me to start with. They just wanted to encourage some others to be on the hate train with them that they were already on. If you wanna get aboard that train, that's on you. Their lack of support is no loss to me because many of those people didn't support me to start with me for it to really be their issue to start with, and those who went along with it? I don't need that mob mentality energy on my page to start with. -shrugs- Good riddance. 

However, due to that nonsense, I've had to take precautions on my own platforms because I was relentlessly getting harassed and having been told I've deserving of assault and death was the last straw for me. I decided to take down my YouTube for the time being because I didn't need comments flooding into an area that was primarily positive. The worst shit I would get before is kids not asking me how I am or even knowing me but demanding a list of gyaru brands to find (I won't tell you because you need to do your own research and I don't know what your intentions are and if you had good intentions, figuring out yourself would do you some good)  or demanding that I sell them my shit. It went from entitled energy to an entirely different demon that I did not want to welcome in a space that I worked so hard on. 

I am not coming back to Twitter. This is my second try. I know it's fun engaging in conversation with other people but fuck that place. 

Instagram I've limited the comments to who I follow only until further notice because there's too much hateful energy going on and I can't be assed to truly tolerate it anymore. If anyone I follow says anything shitty, they'll be blocked. 

The same goes for here. If you say anything shitty, I'll just delete your comment and block you because at this point, I don't owe niceness to anyone. I should just be the bitch people rumor me to be since that's the only narrative that usually matters regardless of the truth. Personally, I think I treat people accordingly. 

I mentioned on my Instagram as well how a lot of people incite change by using hashtags. However, I felt that it was best to omit one and I should have done this the first time I left the gyaru community. To fair, I have never fully been welcomed or have been a part of it to start with. Hence why I tried to empathize with others who expressed this. I've been making content because I enjoy making content and others just happened to really like it. However, I've always been an outsider looking in and I have no issue with that. I have no problem sitting alone at a table because I rather have that than sit down at one full of fake bitches who secretly all hate each other. That's exhausting and that's the issue with the gaijin gyaru community.

There's always been this unspoken nonsensical social hierarchy bullshit that goes on regardless if someone wants to acknowledge that or not.  A lot of people are rewarded for shitty behavior or are given a louder platform because others are too afraid to say anything knowing it will cause an issue. Hence why I have always been an issue. I'm known to be outspoken with my opinions on specific subjects and question why things are the way that they are. I've never cared whether or not people liked me or what my follower count looked like-all mostly while staying in my own lane. Hence why I'm puzzled why anyone would care.. I've only cared about my safety or my efforts being jeopardized by shitty people who can't stay in their own lane. 

The issue with the gaijin gyaru community as I mentioned before is the fact that most people can't say anything with their chest. They have to hide behind a wall or follow the crowd in order to go along to get along when in all actuality, nobody really gets along with each other. 

And given the most recent actions, do I really want to associate myself with that shit? I should have long emitted the #gaijingyaru from my posts forever ago but I thought that it would be fine given that I am still contact with some people that are a part of the community that are sweet people and make me not want to hate everything about it. I've met some really kind people who I talk to regularly about things even outside of gyaru and it's always been great to learn about how other people live in different places or whatever else they're into outside of gal.

But then I realized that those have become close friends to me regardless of whether or not they're gyaru. We'd talk regardless. My friendships with them are not reliant on the gaijin gyaru community (or even gyaru for that matter) and they would support me regardless of whether I was or not at this point gyaru or if I was a part of that community or catering to it. So why am I catering to it as a whole when I don't need to anymore? The people I want to cater to already support me. 

So I decided to omit the hashtag #gaijingyaru because that's not the community I represent or want to be associated with. I'm just gyaru and I do this for myself at this point. If you're along for the ride in my lane, that's fine. If not? Please fuck on off so the rest of us can enjoy things in peace... Because this discourse and bitchiness a whole is exhausting. I can't tell you how many friends of mine do the J-Fashion thing but refuse to post anything or tag shit or want to be a part of the community because it's known for bullshit like this. Ugh. 

It's such a shame because we all like the same shit... -facepalms- so why is it even like this given that? Who gives a fuck about clout chasing numbers or whatever dude... We should be enthusiastic about other shit that isn't this. 

So that's currently where I am at with this situation. I think this (unless I really have to say anything else out of defense for myself) this will be the last time I talk about any of this shit. :') 

Basically, be open about shit and be nicer people. If you don't like what someone likes or posts, fucking unfollow them or something. Stop harping on someone else's own page. If you're not @'d in the conversation, shut the fuck up. Stop capping people's conversations to put them on blast publicly over petty shit (unless it's for good reason in defense of yourself and in that case, pop the fuck off). Stop being fake bitches on the internet-don't be one way in front of someone and be a bitch as soon as they leave the room. Shit's messy as hell. God damn. 

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been updating if any of you actually enjoy my crazy ass long blog posts. I was prioritizing life and when wasn't life it was YouTube shit. I thought I'd finally catch up with everything that's gone on the past few months. I'm sorry this is all over the place. Hopefully my next update ends on a better note and has less random shit in it given how long it had been since I last updated. 

Monday, September 20, 2021

Say it With Your Chest

 I know I should be doing a blog post for July and August, however, a lot happened (lots of really great things and not so great things) and maybe I'll eventually get to it. However, since this is my own blog, I thought I would vent a little bit because I am frustrated with some stuff and it's easier to take this here rather than on Instagram and Twitter. For my mental health's sake and to kind of express some sentiments I realized were being shared across a few social media platforms other than my own when it comes to gyaru recently. 

I've noticed and have even been told that people kind of have this huge surge of distrust within the community lately. I'm not quite sure where exactly this is stemming from considering that I do not participate in any of the online groups but I certainly can empathize with those who have expressed this feeling given my previous experiences. This is exactly why I made the decision to stick to my own social media accounts only and limit my engagement to people who chose to willingly approach me. I have felt the same way as others have and thought that by isolating myself to be only on my own platforms, it would minimize the drama that comes with a group that has been in the past notorious for drama and in all, has a habit of being silently shitty. 

As much as I'd love to think things have improved (and hey, maybe they have in some sense) they haven't in such a weird way from my understanding and from my own personal experiences. Also, surprisingly, my method of filtering through shit doesn't fully work either because others are pissed off by opinions I made in my own space...? I thought I would try to appropriately address how I feel about this issue. Hopefully I'm eloquent enough to get my point across to those who choose to read what I have to say. Otherwise, you can go play in another playground or some shit. You don't have to leave but you can't stay here. haha... Regardless of this and as cheesy as it's gonna sound; I'm going to do the thing that feels the most gal fittingly enough. Imma say what I have to say with my fucking chest. 

Anyway, I feel like it's a really weird environment that's formed lately. We have newcomers who are kinda entitled and disrespectful as a whole. I'm not trying to throw any names on blast but trust me, I've shown people close to me the DMs I get. It's everything between people demanding I give them a list of other brands, to trying to wager prices for my wardrobe...ect.ect.... It's pretty disheartening to feel as if your only use is to find things for other people or to even see stuff scalped based on others leeching on someone's genuine enthusiasm. It's certainly hurt our community and has created a divide as to if gals should be sharing brand resources etc. I've taken a more aggressive approach towards my opinion on this issue but I think that is also a response to some of the rudeness and entitlement I've received. I kind of have a tough-love approach and dude, I excessively curse or whatever. Do not take that as anger all the time. You can't hear tones or pedagogy through text...  If anyone's been on voice chat with me, you know exactly what I am talking about.

I usually share my frustrations because others who are closest to me slide into my DMs and share very same sentiments. Due to me being kind of an outsider of the outsiders regardless of my ability to do and be gyaru-I don't lack the fear of the repercussions of being disliked fully on a community page. I've said it plenty of times but I'll reiterate the fact that I do not need community validation to say that I am "enough" or whatever. I don't abide by rules, social hierarchy, or whatever else has been put in place. I'll say it like it is as mentioned. 

I encourage others to have the same mindset before becoming disheartened with themselves or with their negative experiences with gyaru. You do not need a community of people that you barely know truly to validate your experiences as one. Sometimes you have to take advice or standards with a grain of salt and really consider where and who exactly it is coming from. If someone is giving an opinion on their own social media, then they have a right to their own space and that doesn't mean you, in particular, have to take their insight on a certain subject to heart. Especially if you do not regularly engage with said person. This even applies to me. If you don't like what I have to say on my own social media, it's as easy as unfollowing me, not supporting my content, or blocking me if I'm popping up into your feed still. It's really that simple. 

Who you personally engage with feel a bit safer because you'd like to think that you know where that person's intentions lie. You might already know that what someone says or advises is out of love for you, looking out for your best interest, or out of something that just isn't that deep.. 

More importantly, if you're having fun and are enthusiastic about what you're talking about. If you're excited to share and learn? You not being a certain way all the time or not being active enough doesn't make you any less authentic. You probably just have other priorities that need commitment and that is absolutely fine. YOU CAN DO BOTH. <3 And as much or as little as you want. I want to make that clear because some of you have expressed to be in private messages these anxieties and it saddens me knowing my friends and fellow gals feel as if they're not enough based on activity or whatever else when these are the gals who *know their shit*. Like truly some of you find and share the coolest things. We ALL in gyaru fashion have made contributions to things that are so valuable and very cool. Some people are super social and make people's days, other people are gal enthusiasts and share the coolest information about models and eras of style, others are super organized and create amazing events for people to participate in, other gals are amazing at hair and makeup, some are the most dedicated and disciplined paralists. 

We should have pride in all of that because that's what creates such an amazing foundation for others to learn from regardless of whether or not we always agree with each other. I think that's one thing we can all agree on. Hence why I get angered when people are ran out over bullying from all ends and it's not over people being hesitant about sharing the resources that they hold dear that are becoming limited. We share plenty of other things. We are just aware of the current environment and how it is affecting all of us in one way or another. 

I'm extremely thankful to those of you who DM and ask me about the intentions of my opinion or even go as far to have the courage to clear up any sort of misunderstanding with me. I know that can be an anxiety-inducing task and I truly appreciate it. Because I said before, you're saying it with your chest. You're not taking it to an anonymous place and letting simmer in the pot of shit. You're going directly to the source for your information. I know that sometimes can be difficult when there is distrust among people. 

I've been trying to contribute to the gals who support me and whom I know are in this style for the long run. I'm not intending to be selfish by no means. I'm just not keen on contributing to a problem that is has been occurring the past two years or so. If you follow certain peoples' socials you'd know they thank me for helping them. If I see something that reminds me of them, I gladly share. But if you don't know me personally, you may not know this about me. I'm willing to support people in my own camp. We have people intruding in on this community with no intention on contributing anything positive or meaningful to it but rather create an environment that only benefits them whether it be financially or emotionally-be it through the scalping that has made both regional markets really wild lately or by the people who have relentless harassed multiple seasoned gaijin gyaru based on whatever flavor of racism disguised as social justice is trending for the week. 

Lately, I feel like that is the case due to the invasion or police of people's social media. This is internal and external. Externally it's why these outside factors trying to police who can do gyaru based on race or region.  Which is nonsense and has unfortunately it has run off a ton of vetgals who make amazing content on their platforms. This saddens me because their contribution through media is so crucial for fashion and lifestyle education as well as just sharing a sense of community with other people. I've truly been angered by this because for years, I felt very alone on YouTube and other platforms. It's thrilled me seeing a CONSISTENT influx of content these past few years and I hate seeing outside people trying to dictate the narratives of other people rather than just scrolling past and moving along.

 Internally, as I've recently experienced, you never truly know who exactly you're talking to and whether not you can trust them. My only advice to clear up any miscommunication and mean what you say. The other party needs to also be open to listening and really understanding that maybe not everyone has ill will. It really does depend and I know it can be a bit scary to think that someone who you may think you vibe with secretly hates you or has invaded your personal space just to talk shit about you. When in reality, they shouldn't waste their time communicating with someone with whom they don't vibe with.

Let's be real, some of us straight up don't vibe with each other and that's fine. That's a part of life. You shouldn't be obligated to engage with people who you feel don't contribute positively to your space. I'm very sure that there will be other people who you will thrive and vibe with. Find your people and value them. Support them. Be open to having them support you. Be sure to have an open line of communication and I'm very sure that you will have a more pleasant experience. 

Sometimes that requires change on your part. For me, like I've explained, I had to take out the things that made me unhappy about gyaru in order to do the things that made me happy. That is going to very between people. My way of going about this may not be your way. That's something I can't give advice on because it's rather personal don't you think?

You have to have the ability to pick and choose what you want to let in in regard to personal choices. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable attempting to adapt to something that you don't align with. 

Gyaru has always been a huge part of my life. Even when I have look fully looked, there are parts that won't go away out of habit. I've never quite found a fashion that's more me than gyaru and admittedly as I've confessed to others, it's been used as anti-depressant for me. It's always been a mantra of mine, "If I can just push through this and work very hard, I'll be able to do the thing I enjoy finally." It gives me something to look forward to when I do get to pop my head in and make it count. 

I hope for others it's also a light at the end of a tunnel. It should be something that brings you joy rather than something that chips away at your mental health based on external factors that have nothing to do with your ability to want to learn, share, and thrive. It's saddened me seeing people similarly leave like how I considered doing so or debating on whether this is the space for them or not. All I can say is that it is what you make of it. 

Anyway, I've written this post half in a tired daze. Life's been kind of wild on my end. I'm dealing with a family member going through a substance relapse and while I cannot control the external factors as of yet, I've recently have been focusing on revamping my space to be warm, safe, and overall just happier. Mainly so I have the ability to be more so productive and less mentally drained. I'm in my last semester of university and I'm kinda stressed but very excited to graduate and (hopefully) find a stable and fulfilling career in the future so I can change more of my external factors in the future. In all, I've been treating myself kindly. And you should too. <3 

Stay well. Until next time!

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

July Monthly Post + Gyaru Gripes

 We are midway into the month, so I thought I should do a backlog of June for you ya'lls. :) As always, I hope ya'll don't mind since some you already know this information via Instagram.

But first and foremost, thank you all so much for your comments on my previous blog. I am very very grateful for them and I appreciate that you all find me doing a monthly blog as being a good thing. Like I said, unlike a lot of the other gaijin gyaru, my life isn't nearly as interesting so I never know whether or not what I say will be fun enough in blog posts. 

June started off by me getting my second dose of the vaccine. I was super grateful for Ichigo's help because without them? It wouldn't have happened. Any time I do get to go out, I use it as an excuse to dress up, so of course, I did a very princessy Liz Lisa look. 

I love wearing maxis out and about because they're super comfortable. I got this one in a haul I did back in Feb/March? And I totally was waiting for a fun chance to wear it out with some vintage Diamante heels. I tried backcombing my hair and doing a princess style with it. All of it is in my real hair so it's not super big without the extra help but I don't think it turned out too bad. 

For accessories, I wore one of my little flower combs in white. I have another set that reminds me of the infamous Diamante print that I eventually want to wear out. I first had a Chrome Hearts necklace on in gold with a Vivienne Westwood orb ring but then I got some more Vivienne accessories in the mail that I had always wanted and switched out to that because I thought it would look cuter. The blue and white coord felt more cool-toned so gold kinda clashed. 

The Vivienne piece has stars in the center and is silver. I really wish I could have found the matching ring that goes with the earrings necklace. 

Ichigo also wore Liz Lisa that day!! I was so surprised. I knew that they had LL but I'm so adapt to them being in darker clothing/SPR that I almost forgot that they have the cute shit too. So we were Liz Lisa royalty together that day. 

They kindly requested that I not vlog that day, so I made good to respect that wish and only took really short videos and pics of our time out. Sometimes I just really want to be in the moment with my friends since it's extremely rare that I ever get to see anyone unless they come me (and I'm out the way). 

The lady that administered my second shot loved my eye make up so much. I was really flattered because I was actually lowkey suffering and actually had to rip off my eyelashes and reapply them before I even entered Rite-aid. I had ran out of fucking eyelash glue without knowing and I had a vial coming but it wasn't coming until Monday and it was Saturday. Ha! That's torturous timing. 

I had fused Dollywink No. 1s and 2s together to create a super-extended eye look but was desperate and used 10+ year old Dollywink glue that was in my deadstock no 1 box and it was just....-facepalm- Ichigo actually came to my rescue and hocked a glue at me so god bless but fucking hell, it was really chaotic energy. 

The lady actually complimented my eyeshadow work which I was very grateful for because I tried to do that a little bit differently than usual. Because my eyes are so hooded, if I do really heavy gal make, it's hard to see clear bands/Dollywinks on me. So I tried to really keep the colors light. She wanted to know what exactly I used and I actually used a Pat McGrath Mothership I dupe but they don't make it anymore so I just said it was Pat McGrath. The bottom inner-corners are Etude House Mirrorholic which is cute but eventually, I wanna splurge on my Stila glitters because those truly do look absolutely amazing. 

After my shot, Ichigo and I headed off to the same plaza as the last time in my previous vlog. However, indoor dining was open finally in California, and Ichigo had never been to Kura before, so we decided to go there for sushi. I technically only go for the inari but they have pretty decent kitsune udon and I loooooove their karage. <3 

Kura is one of those sushi belt places where you order on the computer screen like in Japan and they also have the gacha so it's a very fun experience and I was glad that Ichigo got to properly enjoy it. We also hit up Ranch 99 again because why not? I also finally got 85C this time because the last time they didn't have anything and it's literally my favorite bakery. I super recommend the green tea over there and the brioche bread. The Hokkaido cake cups are also pretty fire. 

Afterwards, we went back to my house and took some cute pictures together since we were both in Liz Lisa and fawned over a stray cat that I've partially adopted. 

And that was my day. Not crazily interesting but it was okay. I was falling apart at the end of it because my eyelashes hated me so sadly, I didn't get to film any videos. 

So where has they lead me into July?'s been pretty dark and wild. A lot of crap has gone on in my personal life so I haven't been really able to be as active as I wish I could be. I've been bedridden through physical pain that is worsening as I age. I've had some reoccurring family issues that have wounded me. I've had to make phone calls back and forth to my school because somebody isn't fucking doing their job over there. It's also been 100+ degrees over here and I've honestly been dying on my floor and disassociating. I currently got back into watch anime again realizing I should enjoy doing so before I literally have no time to just potato and do this because I'll be adulting. Some bad shit happened one night at my place, I threw on my project and noise-cancelling headphones to drown out some bullshit and decided to watch SK8 The Infinity. I was wondering what all of the hype was and my baby brother actively skateboards (I told you, he's a cool kid) so I was, "Oh! Let me try this..."

Let me tell you, the hell that I entered in, I was absolutely not prepared for. AHAHA. Ooohhh. My double life on the internet outside of gyaru is fandom shit. I write trashy fanfic and Matchablossom truly ruined me in ways that I cannot explain. Which helps because I was really into High&Low for a while and just...the fandom is dead. Fic is hard to find. hard to find. So Matchablossom truly did save my summer and helped me kind of indulge in a world that wasn't my own for a change through SK8. <3 I even did a pairing inspired snack-spread for Kojirou's birthday because I'm just that much of a loser. haha. 

I know that I have posted a lot of food also in this post and I'd like to say, that I have currently taken up cycling. I got myself a stationary bike a few weeks ago and I've been grinding pretty hard on it. I actually hurt my arm using the arm exercise thingies on there a week or so ago and it really sucked because I really wanted to do gyaru shit and my arm ached like something fierce. My ankles are also pretty swollen which is concerning but I'm trying to push through it. 

So for last week's video, I basically fought through wrist pain and did a Sunamono food video because it's been awhile since I've done a food video (the last one was okonomiyaki) just so I could create something for ya'll... 

Sometimes I'll intend to do shit and either it will be too chaotic here or something garbage will happen and throw my plans out the window. It's pretty discouraging.. 

 Latety I've been focusing my attention onto nurturing and encouraging other people in the gyaru community because that is what I feel like is best. Just because I feel like shit doesn't mean others have to be and I honestly enjoy seeing my friends thrive and live their best lives. I kinda get to live through them when I am down and out and I enjoy that. This brings me to a point that I think has lowkey been floating around-whether or not someone is gal enough based on activity. 

Personally, I've never thought that mattered as much given the fact that people live very different lifestyles and don't always get the luxury of just up and doing what they want whenever they want. Plus sometimes, shit just happens. I don't think there's any need to push one's self for the sake of Instagram or looking a certain way in public when you feel like shit. That's just not how things realistically work you know? 

I think there's a lot of comparison games that go around sometimes thanks to social media and curated content and I've never been about that life? I could care less about my follower count or how active I am. As long as I put love and effort in when I have the time and mindset to do so? It's fine. There were a couple of you who said in my previous post that I deserved way more credit for the work that I've done, and I'm very very grateful for that acknowledgment. I very grateful that others can see the love and effort I do put into my looks when I do pop my head into say hello. I'm certainly a bit of a chameleon and don't limit myself to a particular substyle even though I have fortes in agejo, rokku, ect. I'm glad that others appreciate that diversity because honestly, I just enjoy really eccentric fashion overall (and I think that's what *maybe* will keep Japan's fashion scene fun for me over there rather than me praying that gal fashion will make the comeback that I want it to). While I do not need validation from others,  it does feel nice to be seen and appreciated. I do what I can when I can and I'm glad that is treasured by some. 

Lately, I've definitely gone through a pretty large dry spell with gyaru and just overall imposter syndrome where I feel like because my life isn't as interesting or as active, that maybe I am not gal enough or good enough. That's sometimes a hard feeling to shake. A part of me feels like I do not owe a community that kind of put me through hell at one point, anything at all. I do not need the "okay" from others to dictate whether my lifestyle is "enough" for them. 

I remember when I was more active in the comm even two years or so back where I felt pressured to always have something out and every outing needed to be documented as "proof" on insta or whatever that I was doing gyaru or enough or etc. etc. based on the company I kept and it literally got to where I grew to hate the thing that I loved that was supposed to be a chill de-stress type of thing for me. Gyaru has always been a motivator for me or something to look forward to. I always have that condition of, "once I get through this shit or feel better, I get to do this and I'm looking forward to it" but at one point, I got to where I was like, "This is genuinely stressing me out and it's making me want to do it less because there's this weird-ass expectation to be on point all the time that I never signed up for"... or whatever. 

The amount of pressure that alleviated off of my chest once I got out of all that was so freeing. haha.. I did a whole social media purge/left the fucking internet for awhile and did fashion stuff without posting even and it felt so great. That's honestly what got my mojo back though lately, I feel like I am falling into that pit again hence why I'm like 'ugh, why am I stressed over something I usually enjoy?' 

At my age, I do think that I am growing a bit tired. I've done this for ten years straight with and without a community. With and without a gal-cir. Without a lot that some people are very lucky to have. For most of my gal-experience, I've done it all while been extremely isolated and that's sometimes hard to manage. I've always been the lone local gal or the one person the J-Fashion people poke at because I've been around for a long time by myself and am the one that people use to kind of switch stuff up because I'm not doing Harajuku fashion. My gal style also not the typical hardcore look that people typically associate with the fashion so it's something that I really to try to give myself credit for because I feel like I'm going entirely against the grain of what's expected and I always have. The cuter stuff is getting bigger lately and I'm so happy to see it but literally a year ago, what I was doing was kind of discredited or not seen as gal enough because it wasn't hardcore or old school. Ironically, I wanna wear Alba soon when hardly anyone is back on that hype now, but I think it's because I'm the bitch who always loves to switch stuff up every now a then when I can get the chance to. 

I don't think I do too terribly given my limitations. Most shit I do is in the confines of my room not because I'm afraid to go out in gal (trust me, I go out in the world in my shit depending on time/place/safety) but because there's nowhere TO go to. I live in the middle of nowhere too so there's nowhere really to go? All my friends live in the Bay Area or Sacramento and I'm wayyy out of the way for them and I don't drive-hence why I'm stuck in my room all the time. It's why I'm in university studying very hard. It's to upscale my life and make it much more interesting in the future. 

Currently, the whole COVID situation for sure slowed my roll. Even my classes for next semester are online and it's kind of a bummer because I enjoyed going out places dressed up even if it was for class. In my room, it just feels pointless because usually after hours worth of sitting through Zoom classes, I just wanna take a nap before doing homework. haha...  But like I said, it's why I'm in university. So I can get the fuck out of here and start truly living my best life. <3 I can't wait to have a stable job and have the luxury of traveling more and just overall having a more interesting life in the very near future. 

I also occasionally really do burn out and grow uninspired by gyaru, I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way that's been in this for the long haul... Not a lot of new shit is coming out lately that interests me so it's a lot of a repeat of the old stuff from forever ago. I don't think anything new has excited me since the 3D floral print era of 2015-2016ish? I miss being excited for clothing collections and all. I miss Tokyo Girls Collection being exciting and anticipating each season's release. I'd even be excited about the music guests and special models they'd bring in out of nowhere. I miss wanting to head to 109 for more than just the novelty of wanting to go to 109 in the future. 

I stay informed with the new stuff but I think I'm just old and bitter. I don't understand Gen Z fashion *at all* and it just all looks ugly to me. So while I do see new stuff coming out, it doesn't appeal to me because I'm a fucking grandma and don't understand it. Though I will say, I'm thrilled that eye makeup is getting heavier again. I just wish clothing was more interesting or just...not so god damn ugly. 

I certainly find inspiration from other gaijin gals and I'm very grateful for that. A lot of gals who actively interact with me keep me enthusiastic even if I'm down for the count. I love bouncing ideas off each other or just chatting and remembering old times fondly. That's kind of what's kept me optimistic lately. 

At the same time though, I've always felt like an outsider of the outsiders.  Like I said before, my experience has been extremely isolated not just in person but online too but given my encounters with others in past even with the online community but I almost rather it be that way. How I see it, is with online communities, you are putting yourself out there for whatever. Anyone can start shit with you for no reason at any moment because it's an open platform via a community. However, if someone is on my page, they'd look pretty silly picking a fight with me because it's easy as just not following me if you don't like my shit? I also find that if if you appreciate my content, then the interaction is genuine rather than forced just because I just so happen to be a part of the same thing as you? I like it a lot more and I love the DMs I get about a lot of different subjects on fashion, gyaru, life, ect.  I don't know if that choiceful isolation that deems me not gal enough but if that's the case, so be it. I feel gal enough for myself if that is any consolation to myself. A lot of people often ask me why I never joined online communities and be very transparent, I get wayyyy too caught up in the standards set by other people and it just doesn't make it a fun time for me. 

I certainly have goals for the future as I've mentioned here in the past and on this post. 

Short-term goals include unfucking my lost package out of Chicago for god's sake and doing a proper haul video. It's truly a huge ass haul and one I think a lot of people would like. It's all cute shit.  I found some unknown rare brand and it kind of duals up with Lizzie's upcoming haul (we enabled each other and shopping together as gal pals do) so I'm really hoping my package gets unlost because it's truly a good one. If not, hey, you'll get to see pretty things from Lizzie because we bought from the same fucking brand (hell, I'm the one who showed some of the stuff to her and she lost her mind and she looks good in ALL of the stuff she bought btw).

 It's also summertime and I wanna wear my Alba at least once. However, I want an outfit pic and that's hard to do yourself and it's hard to ask the people you live with for help when they don't like your style and will most definitely give you shit for it. And at this rate? I'm already feeling low enough to where I don't need that type of energy in my life. I didn't ask for that. haha...But I know one day, it won't be that way. I just have to hold on for a minute and I'll be able to live my own life as I please without that type of toxicity. 

 I also have a manga rec video by a gal for gyaru/j-fashion people I wanna do and I've been taking notes and hoarding pics/scans for the video. I feel like a lot of recs are like...the otaku stereotype of gyaru and I'm just over it. Please, lemme give you some good ones. Hell, I even have some fun BL ones thrown in (god bless Ogeretsu Tanaka but I have more than just Neon Sign Amber, I promise haha)

I also will finally be going on another adventure next Thursday. It's a dentist appointment so no gyaru makeup because ahaha that shit would like right on the fuck off under those lights with water spraying. So I'll probably wear a really fun androg look with some of my new SPR clothing which will be fun. Imma treat it like dressing for an outdoor summer rock music festival or some shit. It's just way less eyecatching than LL or gyaru in general and the more intimidating/not hyper-feminine I look on public transportation, the less in danger I'll feel on it if that makes any sense. I only truly feel reassured when I have friends with me and even then, assholes still have the gall to try it. :') 

However, I'm thinking about vlogging my adventure post dentist trip since I have to stall around. I'll probably do it in the style of the vlogs you've seen with me with captions and my face cropped out (because I'll be wrecked after the dentist). We'll see how my phone holds up since the battery is absolute ass and I'm basically holding out until the 13 Pro drops so I can properly enjoy my gimbal without my phone shitting out. 

Anyway, sorry for this being a weird ass blog. I've been kind of feeling low for a few weeks and it felt nice getting shit off of my chest. Thank you guys as always for encouraging and just overall being patient with me.