Shiny Violet Star

Monday, December 12, 2022

Things~



 I’ve never tried mobile blogging here before. But let’s see how it goes! Lately all I’ve been doing is working rather than gal activities. Sometimes I feel like it’s why I don’t update here! My life hasn’t been too interesting and I’ve just been hella tired. 


Just grinding before the holidays. Buying Christmas presents. I think I’m almost finished buying everything! Which is relief. Now I just have to worry about finishing up my coworkers gifts!  

Speaking of shopping, I bought some nice things while there was a sale at Victoria’s Secret. 

My current boom are the body mists! They all smell so freaking divine. I bought the entire Luxe line with the staple fragrances for the holidays. I also added Ruby Rose and Strawberries and Champagne. 



I can confidently say that Strawberries and Champagne is my favorite! I can’t get enough of that one. It just so girly and nice. I feel like it would pay super well with Agejo or Hime. Bare Vanilla would totally be a himekaji scent. Pure Seduction and Ruby Rose works for Tsuyome maybe. Love Spell and Velvet Petals might be universal. Hm… 




Speaking of clothes. I really miss dressing up. I’m just so busy working overtime and am just tired AF when I get free time. I really miss socializing and going out with friends. I haven’t done anything fun since August… Ugh… It’s just been constantly work and home…housework… blogging/translating for fun but I’m definitely feeling a bit burnt out. 

I’m looking forward to the holidays. I get a week break and am hoping I can squeeze some fun times and dressing up in maybe… 

I recently saw an old pic of my younger self and miss my old hair/old style kinda. Maybe I’ll try to channel more of that whenever I get the chance… 



Saturday, December 10, 2022

My Thoughts on the Tsubasaism Autobiography + Other Thoughts

 I hope that you guys enjoyed the Tsubasaism autobiography! It was such an interesting thing to read and translate. I think Tsubasa Masuwaka is such a freaking icon. She truly did change the gyaru game when she was active in the scene. I was really shocked that someone of her status endured so much fucking hate and bullying pre and post-modeling. It really goes to show that you can equally have as many people who love you as much as you have people who really do hate you for whatever reason. 


I feel like Tsubasa in her younger years pre-modeling really did deal with an excessive amount of fake jealous people around her. Not true friends. True friends will always be excited and clap for you during your era of success. Always. Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of girls aren't aware of that in their younger years. Especially if you are introverted. When you are introverted, you really don't deal with too many people or a variety of people who understand what shitty behavior is until you actually meet people that you actually vibe that are "your people" as I call it. 

As shocking as it was to many to hear that a gyaru of all people, and one as impactful as Tsubasa was introverted..she did mention that she was conditioned to be that way due to the fact that she automatically assumes people hate her from the start. This is something I immediately related to. I have the same thoughts. I think Tsubasa and myself are actually quite extroverted people naturally, however shit experiences are pretty traumatizing and condition you to be way more withdrawn with people. 


I feel like it took Tsubasa a while to meet 'her people' because even during her modeling days, she kind of implied that she was pretty isolated as a reader model compared to the other gals and was occupied with working very hard. Once she became successful, a lot of people felt entitled to all aspects of her life including her marriage and pregnancy. Even the magazine didn't necessarily want her to keep those affairs quiet. The wedding photos are especially iconic to me and there was SO MUCH stuff capitalized off of during Tsubasa and Naoki's wedding era...LL collab items and everything. However, I wonder if Tsubasa was miserable doing those things given that I think deep down, she wanted to keep her marriage and the birth of Rion private. 

It's a weird thing to think about. That era is so iconic and memorable because there was so much hype around a famous Popteen and Men's Egg model marrying. Definetely idealistic power couple moves that unfortunately didn't last as Tsubasa got divorced in 2011/2012ish. At the same time, looking back on it and reading about her feelings on everything that went on, it feels like she wanted to tell people about her big life changes on her own terms without corporations capitalizing on her big life milestones. 

Personally, I think Tsubasa just wanted to announce it as a blog post, have a private wedding, and just keep on the DL. I think she was also worried about her modeling career being over given that gyaru mama wasn't necessarily thing until a little later. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Tsubasa kind of sparked the idea of Gyaru Mama being popularized. I'm not saying it didn't exist beforehand but I don't think it was seen as "cool" until a few models hit that age where they were also getting married, having kids, but not wanting to give up their lifestyle or their modeling career. Tsubasa kind of was the ambassador for showing that gyaru could maintain their lifestyle. You could maintain that career, be gyaru, and still cater to your family. 

I'm sure it was/is an exhausting juggle-especially considering how traditionalist Japan is when it comes to marriage, gender, and family dynamics. 

Tsubasa launched so many successful collaborations and her own makeup branding post-marriage and baby. She proved that "settling down" didn't necessarily mean giving up everything and becoming irrelevant. I think that's super inspiring and important. 

I know the argument could be now, "Well, she isn't even gyaru anymore."


True. Honestly, I noticed that her style drastically changed after her divorce. She went softer and softer with her look until she contributed to "larme" fashion communities. Her look now I feel like caters to her current boyfriend, Fukase of Seikai no Owari. They had matching pink hair for awhile. A while back I recently watched a movie that Fukase was featured in called, "Character". It's a wild movie and I super recommend it. It not only has Fukase in it but Oguri Shun who is a super famous actor. He used to be a dreamboat back in the day but so much time has passed that I'm like, "damn son. you're an uncle now huh?" haha.. Sometimes I forget how old *I* am at times.. I'm not a cute 20-something anymore myself....OTL

 Fukase plays a psychotic serial killer in it. However, what I noticed is that his hair was as pink as Tsubasa's! They had matching pink hair for a while back in 2020/2021 I think! 



My theory on why Tsubasa may have left gyaru fashion may be a reason that even many gaijin gyaru go through... I think her divorce and just all the chaos that surrounded her life as a gyaru left bad memories maybe, Yes she was extremely successful, but at what price? She lives a bit more peacefully now a days and I'm always seeing her surrounded by people who seemingly look like good friends. Tsubasa recently got injured eating shit on some stairs, and she had a friend from LA tend to her for a bit because she was stuck in the United States and was crippled for a hot minute. She couldn't get back on a plane and her friends had no problem taking care of her/translating/ect. So I think (and hope) she's surrounded by good people. 

I think she eventually did find good people even in the gyaru scene. I also have her Tsubasa blog book and she is similarly surrounded by friends and mentions how some models became her friends. There's a few pictures of her, Yui Kanno, and Jun Kumori together. I assume that they're still friends. I think Tsubasa just grew out of the gyaru lifestyle as she aged. She associated her past branding/lifestyle with Naoki and her divorce suddenly. So shit just changed.

I remember reading the section when she had mentioned not being interested at all in luxury items and laughing about that because now, she is SUPER into luxury items. She's always clad in Gucci and even attending fashion week to meet Yohji Yamamoto, who is a very very prestigious fashion designer on the luxe end of things. Her tone entirely changed on that matter. Maybe it was for work given that she's working on "TokyoDot" now...I don't know. It's trendy now to flex and she's always been big on following the trends. -shrugs- 

She mentioned that in her book too. She hated that she wasn't up to date with all of the other models on the trends when she first became a reader model, but personally, I feel like that gave her character. That's super relatable to me given that I also was the girl who was behind on shit and bought previous things on discount because it wasn't "cool" anymore as a kid. Honestly, it gives you character. I was able to establish my own sense of style that was and have far more appreciation for the pieces I had because I didn't treat them as disposable. I think Tsubasa was the same way at her peak. Her style was really distinct to her and a lot of people tried to copy it later on.

Definetely not comparing myself to a queen like Tsubasa, but I'm just saying that it was relatable because I too, gained my own sense of style given that I financially wasn't capable of trend-hopping like anymore else. Pieces became more personal. 


There's a lot of shit that is relatable in that book. The amount of bullying that some "successful" gyaru go through is insane. Anyone with a moderately good social media following in the gyaru sphere of things really does get thrown under a microscope to where people feel like they are entitled to every aspect of their lives. Who they're friends with, who they're not friends with, what their insights are, how much brand they own, how little they own...etc. etc. It's insane. 

That's probably a different fucking vent for another time when it comes to that shit and gyaru...but I was kind of shocked that Tsubasa also endured being bullied. I've heard of other models similarly getting harassed before, so I don't know why the hell I was so shocked, but I guess I just thought Tsubasa was too much of an icon to be in all that. Too many people praised and looked up to her from what I knew but her book expressed a different and more vulnerable side that I related to. 

I'm currently still translating and editing the style advice pages. I just took a hiatus and am kinda still given that I'm still mentally recovering from the events that went on in my life these past few months... However, give me some time. I haven't given up on it! 




Thursday, December 8, 2022

Tsubasaism: The Autobiography

The Awakening to Fashion...


500 yen a day working part-time at my family's pub. I used the money I saved to buy clothes...




 
Ever since I can remember, I have loved fashion. I grew my hair long when I was in kindergarten, and when I got home, I was always wearing a skirt. Actually...I was often mistaken for a boy because of my name "Tsubasa"! So, I wanted to be more girly. However, it wasn't until I was in the upper grades of elementary school that I discovered the joy of choosing clothes for myself. By that time, I was already without my parents and went shopping with my friends. Of course, I couldn't buy clothes with the pocket money I that I would usually get, so I started working part-time when I was in elementary school.



However, since I worked at an izakaya only at my house, I used to wash dishes and carry food there. The part-time job fee is 500 yen per day. Even though 500 yen doesn't seem like much, if you save up for 4 days, it will be 2,000 yen, and you can buy a cute T-shirt. I continued working part-time at an izakaya even after I entered junior high school, and even my school friends did it together, so it was fun.


When I was in elementary school, I was able to study normally, and I had good friends. I didn’t like school at all, but to be honest, I actually don’t like teachers. There was a female teacher who always paid attention to me. "Don't come to school wearing those clothes." I know that I'm wearing a glittery top, but even when I'm wearing unfashionable clothes, I don't know why that teacher would warn me. Don't ask me why but I was scared. I would answer “yes” but I remember running away whenever I saw that teacher.



When I was in the 5th grade of elementary school, I was reading "egg magazine" with my friends, so maybe I woke up to being a gyaru earlier than a normal child. With that being said, I wasn't interested at all in the mamba style that was popular at the time. I didn’t do that style. I admired the fairer styles with beautiful makeup (seiso).


My idols at that time were SPEED and Namie Amuro-chan. Since I was in elementary school, I imitated their styles and wore thick boots and platform sandals. However, it is difficult to walk, and often fell! (laughs)


The Burberry miniskirt that Amuro-chan wore at her wedding reception was so amazing! Of course, I tried to buy something like it too! But, I was still in elementary school, so no matter what I did, I couldn't imitate her and be perfect at all! -laughs- I as I entered into middle school, I admired the singer Ayu (Ayumi Hamasaki) the most and began to read the magazine “Popteen” but at the time, I didn’t even know of the word “mo” (model) and never dreamed that I would appear in it...


Sunday, November 27, 2022

What I've Been Into Recently; Reiwa Fashion Frustrations, Magazine Purchases, and Tons of Other Nostalgia

I mentioned in my last post how I've been super sick. Honestly, I'm crazy bummed out because I really had wanted to do some fun things over the Thanksgiving holiday but I suppose there always is Christmas. I totally lost my voice and my family has me quarantined in my room and it's been about a week and a day (not COVID, they just really don't want to get THIS SICK and for THIS LONG) so I've just been binging J-Dramas since I've stayed to myself and can't physically talk.

Risa recommended "Tomorrow I'll be Somebody's Girlfriend" which I decided to check out. I love a good josei and went as far as binging the manga it's based off of too. It's very modern about rental girlfriends and the environment of nightlife work in Tokyo in the Reiwa era. 



The usage of social media and the change in fashion from the point of someone who is still stuck loving Heisei gyaru really intrigued me. I feel like so much of things are based on men or being cute/pretty for the male gaze. So much of this drama frustrated me in that sense. I wanted the characters to value themselves more as women. Yes dating and needing love to "improve" yourself might have lead to confidence but I feel like love shouldn't be needed to find that type of confidence. I think that's really what frustrated me. I didn't hate this series but it certainly made me think about how vastly the mindset around being feminine and what for has changed and even how it has affected Reiwa Gyaru...

Not that gyaru weren't conscious of dating and the male gaze but I also felt like gyaru dressed for themselves. It wasn't being cute or pretty for the sake of love. They already long were gals beforehand and wanted to be impressive to their friends. There's just something about gyaru that usually goes into two categories. You have fun and sexy and then you have sexy and glamorous..and then cute/fun/glamorous. In all, gals always wanted a look that made people's heads turn and go, "I want to get to know that girl. I want to be friends with her. I want to date her." without a gyaru even intending for that attention. There was that desire to be the best version of yourself without someone else needing to change it. 

However, I do feel like as gyaru date or settle down, they try to change into their partner's ideal type sometimes, and change their whole aesthetic when honestly, they should just be accepted as they were. If you started dating a gyaru, then you fell in love with a gal, and should remain to know you'll be doing so and support it if that is what makes your partner happy. As someone hilariously wise once said, "This ain't build a bitch workshop" and that applies here. 

I feel like it's definitely affected how gyaru is now... 

I will say, the most recent Egg cover for winter 22/23 SUPER appeals to me. I actually love this cover but I'm wary about the contents inside of Egg because it's not the same magazine it used to be, I feel like the gals are being pushed into rapper/idol careers rather than actual charisma gals. I really wish they'd leave the music stuff to Avex and just collab with them/have the models make special appearances. I much rather see Kirei or Erika produce intricate clothing lines or see them in more makeup ads than "reality" TV shows and in cringe music videos. Let the gals be models. Let them slay Tokyo Girls Collection. Focus on pushing clothing/bring back brand loyalty so we can stop relying on Shein for dupes. -facepalms- Because I'd support boutique brands if they existed and didn't look and feel like they're coming from the same factories as AliExpress and Shein. 





Regardless of that, I MIGHT purchase the Fall/Winer Egg issue just because the covers actually look fucking good this time and I haven't seen a worthwhile cover in a hot fucking minute. Scared about the insides though! 

Anyway, outside of that, I've been doing a lot of shopping. I call it "stress shopping" because I window shop a lot when I get stressed or upset. But honestly, the more I buy and have, the pickier I'm becoming with my purchases. I bought a few magazines that are coming in soonish. I'm really excited for them. I have one Ageha set that I'm really looking forward to finally owning. Though, another fixation for me right now is very early 2000 Popteen. When I mean early 2000, I mean 2000, 2001, 2002. Maybe a little 2003 but there's something insanely fun and unique about the super early 2000s Popteen issues. I really enjoyed the issue I bought recently with Hiroko Anzai on the cover, so I bought more. 

I shared a picture of one of the issues I purchased on Instagram. It's a September 2001 issue, and people lost their fucking mind over the cover. It's such a fun, vibrant cover, and not what a lot of gaijin gyaru associate with Popteen. I'm kind of determined to change the mindset around Popteen. I know it had its himekaji era which a lot of the new kids or old-school enthusiasts don't deem as "gyaru enough" which is like...fighting words to me given how fucking icons were produced for that magazine during that time frame...but I get it. It's not for everyone, but there was an era before that himekaji boom that was more "in line" with what people saw as gyaru that I don't really see covered as much. 

I very vaguely remember seeing bits and pieces of the last bits of the early 00s in Japanese media when I first moved to California. I don't know how to explain how in the fuck I did. Lots of Chinese markets that had Chinese versions of Popteen at one point (yes that was a thing)...before I was going to San Francisco on my own to hit up Kinokuniya in Japan Town, I was often visiting Chinese supermarkets with whole ass bookstores inside of the front of them. Oddly they'd have a ton of manga and fashion magazines that were from Japan, but translated into Chinese. If anything, that was my first exposure to gyaru magazines in a very weird way. It's not something I thought about until recently flipping through this old-ass Popteen and realizing that that time in my life wasn't a fever dream. 

A lot of fashion trends overlap between many countries but flipping through my one 2001 issue so far, I felt really nostalgic. I was a pre-teen in that era but some of these trends I vividly remember being big in the US as well and the trends that weren't, I'd see Japanese celebs wear in some of the dramas I used to watch or the clothes emulated in early 00s manga. You'd see bits and pieces. It's hard to explain. 

Speaking of nostalgia and feeling old. someone uploaded a lot of old PopJapanTV episodes onto YouTube. I almost cried. Maybe I'm looking back at a lot of old media as a trauma response given all what's gone on, but man... Seeing these old episodes made me feel some type of way. Some people had the late-night VH1 music video countdowns, MTV's TRL... I had PopJapanTV. 

I think the first J-Pop/Rock I got into was accidentally bands like Guitar Vader thanks to Jet Set Radio, Do as Infinity, and The Pillows thanks to FLCL/InuYasha back when I lived in Tennessee. I also unknowingly was getting into TM Revolution's old 90s discography around that time without much knowledge about his newer things (that would blow my mind later on thanks to PopJapanTV) and old Globe and Ayumi Hamasaki songs-which was crazy given how I had no idea how iconic Globe and Ayu really were. 

Mind you, I had dial-up internet still, YouTube wasn't a thing yet, and so I couldn't just up and watch music videos or download music without it taking an entire day on one family computer that I shared with the rest of my family as a kid. It wasn't until I moved to California that I really got my first taste of that music thanks to PopJapanTV. I finally had faces to put with voices too as I started discovering Namie Amuro thanks to the manga Ayashi no Ceres mentioning her and figuring out that she too, was involved in InuYasha's soundtrack. 

I remember as I turned 13, having to decide if I was watching Adult Swim on Saturday night or if I was watching PopJapanTV instead. It got to the point where the music videos were winning out. I rather watch the people who made the music for the endings and openings rather than the animes. It kind of lowkey changed my life. I still obviously liked anime and eventually had better internet and watched a lot of shit fansubbed. But before those times, music videos from different countries really intrigued me. 

Watching as a 31 year old, it made me a little teary-eyed. The fashion in some of the episodes with the hosts is so fun and the music that is featured in the episodes so diverse. A lot of PopJapanTV was Sony-signed artists but man...so many of these groups and artists were iconic. Many are often featured in gyaru magazines that I've picked up since. I got into Crystal Kay, Chemistry, Sowelu, Zone, and Nami Tamaki thanks to that program. Eventually, I'd also come to watch NHK during the Christmas/New Year holidays and would be fixated on Kohaku Uta Gassen which would be like...a long-ass music show to ring in the New Year. I vividly remember hearing Koda Kumi belt, "Ai no Uta" in high school and finding out about Nakanomori Band through that program...and being excited seeing w-inds perform live. 

Anyway, here's an episode of PopJapanTV featuring Crystal Kay if you want to feel old or even time travel a little bit if you're a youngin that wasn't able to participate in this fun little era of time. These episodes always left such a huge impression on me and live in my mind til this day, rent free. 




Anyway, that's all for today's post! See ya'll soon hopefully!



Saturday, November 26, 2022

Blog Revival? Maybe? What's all been happening so far...

 It's been long a while since I have updated here, and I doubt anyone really checks my blog here so much..or at least not to the extent of YouTube and TikTok. But hi, hello. I'm alive. I think I'm just desiring to somehow make content even on extremely low energy, So much has happened since I last updated this thing, so let me catch you up shall I? 

Almost a year ago, I successfully graduated from university. Surprisingly in the top fifteen percentile. I was so relieved to be finished with my studies given that I felt like I was taking so long. x_x I really shifted my entire lifestyle since then. 

Starting in January, I worked on an extra certificate to add to my bachelor's degree while job hunting. My certificate took a month and a half but job hunting too me so much longer. I think it took me a good nine months of job hunting and living off of my savings. I was extremely blessed that I was able to float for those nine months and not be in dire straights. It definitely sent me into this huge spiral of depression for a bit as I applied to 60 different places with no bite. I wondered if I was a failure despite succeeding academically. I felt like nothing was going fast enough. 

Took take my mind off of those negative feelings, I decided to throw my free time into social media when I wasn't job hunting. I was really shocked at how well my videos were rapidly doing. My YouTube was steadily growing and once I relaunched my TikTok with the theme of Gyaru Fashion History/J-Pop Culture content, my socials did better than they ever had. Not to the extent of other content creators but I was still very thankful and shocked. I have been making gyaru content since 2012, and nothing really took off until a year and a half ago once there was a rapid gyaru boom post-pandemic. 

Of course, I expressed a lot of opinions that people disagreed with on everything from gyaru, the community, and perhaps even people-given how I noticed how it was taking a toll on gyaru as a whole. It certainly took a toll on the community to where I feel like...the community isn't really an actual community anymore? How can you be a community when you're so separated right? When there is no such thing as togetherness and a lot of people are too afraid to engage with others or integrate into the community. People who claim to be a community aren't and I refuse to be dictated and be told I'm not welcome in the so-called "community" by people who newly arrived in on the scene with their army of 13 year old TikTok fans just because they disagree with me on topics and because I'm friends with people they don't like..  It just seems all exhausting and I was really irritated by it all. New and old people alike are just fed up with that energy and a lot of us have definitely kept to ourselves and it is a bit melancholy. In a way, it's kept the peace but it's sad not seeing people become friends and exchanging ideas/inspo with each other out of being afraid over who you can and cannot trust in a bigger sense. 

I've certainly been less social since but it was peaceful given how chaotic things were on my end but a lot more happened that made me take a step back. 

Unfortunately during the chaos, I had finally scored my first big girl job, but literally the day of my job offer, my mother who had been severely ill was instantly hospitalized. So for a good two to almost three months, I worked my job and on weekends was visiting her in the hospital. It was as physically exhausting to have to feel like I was two different people all the time. At my job, I couldn't be sad and had to remain present, which was probably for the best given that if I wasn't kept busy, I worried a lot. 

My birthday passed and it was the first time I didn't dress up or really celebrate. It was the first time I didn't hear from my mother at all on a birthday which made things really odd. My mom was a stay-at-home wife, so suddenly our house felt very empty. I often came back to a dark living room or left without anyone to say bye to. It was really hard to have that silence. Even when I had attended university and stayed in the dorms alone during COVID, I still checked in with my family occasionally and the environment didn't feel so grim.

I tried to keep as optimistic as I could in my emotionally fatigued state and even tried to squeeze a few gyaru looks in where I could because I really just hadn't felt like myself in the longest time. Gyaru truly felt like a battle armor around that time and I tried to occupy myself as much as I could during my free time. It gives me strength to be able to try to look my best and focus on nice things like what I'm going to wear or makeup since I have to go out anyway. I rather not going out all the time looking like shit...

I had bought myself a few books to stay off of social media but my desire to be social eventually won over after a couple weeks. I made videos of things that made me happy. I made and shared short TikTok videos of mangas I enjoyed that I was re-reading to stay off of my phone more. Eventually, I wanted to buy gyaru-associated books. 

I was (and still am) on a bit of a re-kindled Tsubasa Masuwaka fix, and purchased a huge majority of her old published works. I found them incredibly interesting and tried to translate/use translation aids to help me read them. I decided that Tsubasaism especially was too neat to keep to myself and decided to tackle the huge challenge of translating it. The first thing I did was roughly translate the autobiography section that she wrote, scan the photosets to share (I busted out my old scanner and gotta twist myself under my damn desk to use it x_x) and then I continued on to edit the style advice section. I had never cleaned up pages before in my life nor had a translated like this. I tried to clean up the Japanese text and get the English text kind of close so the reading experience could be similar. 

Back in the day, it used to be a huge dream of mine to not only become a writer but also work at a publishing company or help clean/edit manga for a company like Viz. Unfortunately, that never worked out but getting to do it as a hobby for the first time definitely has been a fun learning experience. 

Unfortunately, the day before Halloween was the last time I saw my mother alive. The week after she passed away on November 6th at 10:30 am... It was really shocking because when I had first started visiting the hospital, she had been entirely unconscious and on a ventilator. However, a few weeks into visiting, I think a month later, she was off the ventilator, and was able to partially engage with us. She had been out for so long that she was bedridden and not able to move her muscles, use her voice/barely move her jaw but we were able to engage by talking and her mouthing/holding hands. 

The last day was really difficult for me because I thought she would have been fine. I visited her that day and had gone to a cafe to quickly eat and meet a friend from my college days. I hadn't socialized since August and it was the end of October and I was feeling extremely isolated.  I had just been grinding at work, sleeping, translating, and not really doing anything for myself mentally outside of translating. I missed talking to people...

 My mom was getting better and I thought we were leaving in the evening, so I decided to spend one hour of that visit to quickly meet my friend and eat for a second since I hadn't ate all day. I really hate that I did that but I had no idea that day would have been the last day I would see her...she was doing so well/recovering. So I thought that there would be many other times to see each other or that if she did pass, it would be much later given she was making so much positive progress. 

Unfortunately the next weekend after that visit with her and my friend, she passed on a visiting day very suddenly. She had been diagnosed with leukemia among also having some other complications that made things like chemotherapy extremely difficult. It's frustrating...she was only 55 and it's so young to just pass....I certainly thought I had more time with her.

I'm glad I did get to engage with her for a few weeks outside of her being unconscious for that first month. I'm grateful I got to hold her hand and update her on my life. I'm glad I got to tell her that I found a job before she passed and that I was doing well because at least I know she passed without her having to still worry about me taking so long to accomplish things... 

The morning of her passing, because the hospital is a two hour drive from me, we were late by an hour to see her alive. When I touched her in the hospital, she was still warm... 

That next week I felt like I was on autopilot. I cried many times and as eldest, also had to keep myself together to make help funeral arrangements with my stepdad, and go to work still since my time off was being split between two weeks given that my mother's funeral was the week after her passing. 

I helped select the clothes and makeup for her funeral. The day of the funeral was really sad but aesthetically it was really beautiful. I chose this really pretty long-sleeved yellow dress that had floral print and layers that she had bought recently. I was really shocked at that purchase. I felt like me wearing Liz Lisa had kind of rubbed off on her recently because the dress she wore was kind of a more mature take on Liz Lisa. 

Her dress matched all of the flowers that were a part of the funeral. It was unintentionally ironic that my stepdad and his family chose sunflowers. At the beginning of her hospitalization, the last huge gyaru look I did was a Liz Lisa dress with sunflowers. I had mentioned in my post how I wanted to wear things that represented cheerfulness, loyalty, peace, honesty, and longevity. I felt like this era for me is best represented with sunflowers and since they were laid with my mother, they have that much more of a sentimental meaning for me. 

I think we put her to rest in her last physical form in a really beautiful manner. 

As I write this, it's been almost two weeks since her funeral. I returned to work for a few days and was looking forward to having a longish break for the Thanksgiving holiday. However, I had to call out again from work because for a good week, I've been violently sick with everything but vomiting. I think this flu has been the sickest and the longest I've been sick ever. 

I'm not sure if it's from stress or just from cooties. Maybe both because everyone I know who I haven't seen in months have been sick with similar shit or are just now getting sick. Regardless, it's been miserable and I'm just now somewhat recovering. 

This sucks because we were going to try to do an okayish Thanksgiving since it was the first holiday without my mom and I wanted to try to squeeze in a look for my own mental health's sake since I'm kind of tired of always looking so ran down lately. But I guess life is like, LOL NOPE. So here I am trying to write a blog instead while I'm somewhat alive. 

So what does this all mean? What are my plans?

The translation project is somewhat on hiatus but I'm definitely continuing it when I'm less mentally and physically fatigued. 

I'm currently really longing for socialization. It's all been such an isolating experience and I'm so sick of being in my area. I've just been grinding at work and going to bed. I'm kind of tired of that routine but I'm also too mentally fatigued to take on anything that's too big of project given how fresh everything is. 

I really want to come back to both YouTube and TikTok properly and more consistently. I miss making videos. I miss talking about things that I'm passionate about and that make me happy. I've bought a lot of pretty things that I want to wear out but I've also purchased a lot of neat things that that I want to share. Lots of magazines and gyaru-related tech items. I'm really delving into print media again and hard and it's a lot of stuff that I haven't seen covered or really touched upon/hyped up so it would be an honor to be able to eventually be that person that could break down all of these neat things that I've been finding. 

I don't know when or even how, but I miss makeup tutorials. They take so much damn fucking time to do but they're so rewarding when they actually turn out nice. How I do my makeup has changed drastically since my last makeup tutorial. My skincare and everything has just entirely changed and I feel like my gyaru makeup has somewhat evolved from two years ago, and I'd like to share that eventually. 

Currently, as I have mentioned, I've been grinding at work. I've quickly moved up ranks at my office due to being able to catch on quickly/show up a lot (other than recently due to physically and emotionally eating shit this month) but I have a few goals. I know I mentioned how before everything happened, I had really wanted to move to Japan. I was really bummed out when I wasn't able to just up and yeet across the ocean like I had planned. However, I'd like to believe that everything happens for a reason.

Had I left in September like I planned to, I would have never got to see my mother better for the short time she had been. She was hospitalized mid-August. If anything, I wouldn't have been able to board the plane knowing that. I would have had to ditch a job over there to head back home around this time for a funeral. 

So maybe God knew all of this and prevented it knowing all what was about to come. Hence why I landed the job I did for now. 

Nothing is really binding me to where I live currently, but I do feel like I need to establish myself more and exist more here before I just up and decide to live a life away in another place for awhile. Plus, I kind of am afraid to entirely leave just in case I lose another person suddenly like this. Call it cautious trauma.  I want to funnel my money into a place for myself or into a property for my remaining family so we actually have proper roots somewhere. I feel like it's needed just for a sense of security. 

However, I still do want to go to Japan to visit. So I think my goal for this next year is to save up to finally travel to Japan for two weeks. A part of it will even be a gyaru pilgrimage maybe..? I kind of want to go in August around the time of Summer Sonic...but that depends on the music lineup so I might base it around the firework festivals around that time instead if Summer Sonic is a bust in terms of the lineup. The original plan was A-Nation years ago but I don't know if that's even a thing post-COVID. Plus the lineup isn't as neat as it used to be. I'd go for Ayu but I could just go see an Ayu concert then without the trouble of a whole ass music festival. haha... 

I've always wanted to go to yes, a few music concerts to see some acts that I know won't visit California, but I also want to a proper Matsuri. I'm not fond of cold weather either, and while I'd love to travel in March for sakura season, given that the border just recently opened, tourism will probably be more insane than usual around that time...and it's just too soon and I don't want to wait more than a year to go. So around the summer it is. Not June or July because piss rain during rainy season..lmfao but I'm not avoiding the potential typhoons so I don't know if I'm actually gonna properly win with choosing August, but god I hope so. 


SO..I think that's some of my bigger goals. 


Smaller goals are to get through Christmas. I have half of my nice gifts for people all picked out. I just need to finish off my baby brother's gift and the other half of my coworkers gift. I have one part of it but not the bigger bit for them. Then I'm finished I think! I'm trying to make Christmas nice since these past few months have truly sucked. I feel like I want to end off 2022 on a nice note in hopes of 2023 being gentler on us all..


Anyway, I hope you all have been well. Hopefully, I can update here more maybe? Possibly? I know blogs aren't as popular as they used to be. I'll try to go back to making videos soonish when I feel less like crap x_x




Thursday, November 4, 2021

The Backlog from Actual Hell Part 1: Summertime Blues Baby.. Fashion + Life Shit + Finally Becoming the Bitch Everyone's Rumored Me to Be

I hardly ever update this blog anymore but some of you said that you enjoy reading here, so why not? Especially since I'm taking a break from YouTube and other fuckery for a little bit, I can place some of my focus here. Most of the time I don't update because I'm hunched over a laptop grinding out essays for classes and by the time I'm finished with that, my wrists hurt. 

Anyway, on to the backlog. 


In July I had decided to finally get some dental work done now that I'm finally vaccinated. I just had a couple of fillings that I didn't get to the last visit. I thought it was worse than what it actually was..haha.. Thank god. I'm super excited to work a proper career that's stable so I can take better care of myself in the future... -sobs- Doing stuff without insurance in this country is insane. My next goal sometime this or next month is to update my glasses prescription. 

Anyway, I vlogged my trip to the dentist since I was finally getting out of the house. It had been awhile since I had taken public transportation and it felt a bit surreal heading to the South Bay on it. I used to do so all the time in my teens and early twenties but I'm more apt to be up in San Francisco rather than the San Jose area nowadays. 

For my look, I kept it simple because well...it's the dentist? haha.. I wore some SPR out that was actually super comfortable. Though I was dying towards the end walking through parking lots. I forget that black and layers suuuuper attracts heat. 

I wore a smaller diameter contact lens and just did a basic smoky eye. Not gyaru at all. Just J-Fashion-based. 

I had to stall around at a mall for a little bit as shown in the vlog I did. I had gone a bit feral with the in-person shopping. It had been a while since I had looked at stuff in person and I found a couple of different shops that piqued my interest. Which is strange! I haven't been interested in stuff like this outside of importing in a minute. 

I restocked some of the makeup items I was running low on. I had to change my setting powder up because I think the one I used got discontinued. x_x dang. I also bought my first Fenty item. I got one of the Killawatt highlighters in How Many Carats which is suuuper pretty but not good on a power base. And I *always* powder my foundation thanks to combo skin so dang.

There's another makeup store that was in the mall that I also tried out and they had a couple of JCat items in there. I bought a liquid highlight in a good silver and another brand's liquid eye shadows to see if they can dupe Stila's. 


I also hit up a couple of clothing stores because the front window's outfits looked super appealing. If you live in the the US, there is a store branch called "Q" that has a ton of really cute gyaru-able clothing. Another gyaru blogger, Amii.iman also checked out the store and covered it on her blog when she vacationed in Southern California and we both shared the same sentiments, 'This shit looks like d.i.a'. And indeed, some of the items really do look like their brand in a sense and it really made me excited about new clothing for the first time in a little while honestly. The items reminded me of the early 00s when I'd shop at two clothing brands called Basic and Rave. I super recommend it. 

Another thing I noticed at the mall was there were a lot of kids dressed alternatively. This was so wild for me because I am so used to being overdressed or just not feeling safe when I go out to normal places. I actually for once, felt extremely reassured and that's something I haven't felt going on in the things I dress in the longest of time. 

It definitely made me happy and then another part me was like, "man..we crawled so ya'll could fly". Forreal, the amount of shit I got two years ago when I dressed the way I did was insane. Now it's suddenly cool and I'm still feeling whiplash over that shit. I'm happy that things are becoming more acceptable and that perhaps it's becoming safer finally to go out and be different? It will never ever fully be safe but I always like to think there's a strength in numbers that just feels a lot more reassuring than attempting things alone. 

A few weeks later I also did a look with one of the items that I bought from Q. It was another dentist day. I was kinda worried about wearing make up the way I did to the dentist and man...I really thought I was going to look crazy after I got out the chair but thankfully Urban Decay All Nighter setting spray did not do me dirty. All I had to do was touch up a little when I got home. Due to that, I filmed a couple of YouTube videos and InstaReels. It's funny how eyelashes and a deeper color of lip can change an entire fucking look up. I feel like my face is instantly feminized when I throw in lashes. 

After all of the dentist stuff, while it was still warm in July, I ended up doing a rendition of what I like to call "new wave old school". This is actually a really important discussion but let me get into the look first. 


I've always had a love/hate relationship with Alba Rosa as a brand. Why? Because it's overhyped. There are so many other old school brands out there if people actually did their research. But nobody does and due to that, Alba is hyped up and thus overpriced due to the novelty status of owning it. Which is unfortunate because there are a couple of Alba items that I do enjoy. However, I also enjoy other brands as well and have recently purchased some "indie" brands that are equally as cool and are old school so I'm glad that I'm not entirely docking myself from enjoying what old school is. 

Its done so much that I grew to hate it because I saw nothing else. It didn't feel original anymore, However, I grew to like it again once the hype kind of died down. Call me a sell-out but I've always had fond memories of the early and mid-00s and late 90s. I don't hate it. I just saw it too much and for a while, the whole oredeal with treated like a TikTok micro-trend. 

Another reason I never did old school before was due to the aesthetic. I don't tan. I literally just turn lobster and can not be bothered to always change up my foundation shade. Especially when I swear my Nars and really haven't found a foundation I like outside of a Nars. That's a lot of money to always be changing up your shade range. So I was always worried that if I wore the designs I enjoyed but in a not typical old school way, people would be mean about it.

And then it occurred to be by last December, that none of that should even matter. I should place my own spin on old school because it is only done *one way* usually. 

So by July, I was actually really excited to experiment and come up with a fun rendition of old-school gyaru fashion. A lot of the pieces I've collected are really crazy colors which I really enjoy because it gives me an excuse to go all out with fun colors for eye shadow. 

For my look, because I couldn't tan, I focused on two aspects. Sparkling highlights/bling and bright colors. I wanted to slightly base it on early 2000s celebrity culture back when everyone tried the beach look at least once, at that includes in the West and not just limited to Japan. 

For my eye makeup, I decided that instead of throwing on a white base, that I would throw on a blue base. Frosty blues were such a vibe in the late 90s and early 2000s. Because I'm so pale, anything pure white has a hard time showing up, so I needed something with an undertone. Blue shows up decently on me and there was blue in my Alba dress. Instead of the typical gyaru eye makeup that is associated with old school, I decided to keep my eye makeup the way I would usually do it. I wasn't focusing on tanning or harsh contours so anything with a lot of eyeliner or crazy droops would have been just that. It would have looked crazy. Instead, I took inspiration from an Ayumi Hamasaki video. 

In Kanariya, she has bling all over her. I placed bling around my eyes as a nod to that. I felt like it was a really glamorous gyaru touch that I undoubtedly recall seeing in videos from that era of time, even on gyaru. It definitely made a resurgence again in 2007 because Tsubasa was rocking bling around her eyes and face also in Popteen where I was reminded that people would do that. It's been one of my favorite additives to my looks lately. It's such a fun little detail. For eyelashes, the more spider-looking, I felt like the better. I tried a new set of bottom lashes that have immediately become my favorite and I regret not buying more packs of them because now they're almost impossible to find. 

For my cheeks and lips, I focused on warm tone colors to align the fact that my dress had red and orange in it. I applied an orange Canmake blush and a lip color from Flower Knows that is extra glossy. I added the Holika Holika lip plumper ontop so it made my lips freaking huge in pics. Shit works. Highly recommend. 

For my hair, I just straightened it and added a bumpit in for volume. I was really shocked how popular my hair was with people given it's not in the best state but I do feel like the bumpit gave it a nod to the retro-vibes that were also big in the 2000s. 


For my outfit, it's quite simple. The bag is a literal vintage Cocolulu beach bag that I somehow scored for 2 bucks. The bamboo handles truly sold it for me and the fact that I have two other tops in green/blue also justified it. I love how it matches the green and blue in my Alba Rosa dress. Truly, it brought out such a neat detail that kind of contrasts the otherwise, warm tones of the dress. I added a monogram necklace that has my name on it (which is custom because nothing ever has my name on it) and it had palm leaves and hibiscuses. I have matching gold hibiscus earrings also in but you can hardly see them sadly. 

I loved how the Alba dress has a ton of their slogans on it in white as well. In all, it's just an extra AF dress. I'm pretty thick so it was a bodycon on me but I'm not about that. It is what it is. 

The shoes are from FashionNova. I got them in 2020 back when all hell broke loose with lockdown. I saw em and hated the clear bits but in terms of height and design, it was as close as I was ever fucking getting to a proper wooden platform. These cork even which is ughhh but like I said, you take what you can get. I would sacrifice my first child for proper wooden platforms to come back in. Ya'll use the Demonias for the winter but I was a strappy wooden platform designed right for my summers pls. 


When I did this look, it was actually to prove a point. That gyaru doesn't have to be linear as long as you are still incorporating elements of the fashion and following the basic rules that are distinctive to the fashion. Cohesion is really important and most fashion even outside of gyaru is inspired by or nodding to something else. That's exactly what I did and placed a lot of thought and love into coordinating the whole fit from the outfit down to the hair. 

It was also proof that you didn't necessarily need to tan in order to enjoy this sort of style. Trust me, I used to be self-conscious about that too and thought that I needed to fit into a mold in order for me to be "allowed" to enjoy the design I liked. However, I realized that was nonsense. You can be a fan and not abide by such a linear road when it comes to the fashion. Gyaru is changing and evolving, and while I'm not necessarily appealed by some of the direction it has taken in the past few years, I think there's nothing wrong with making what's old new again but in a way that is inclusive for everyone. I think different ways of doing things are interesting just as long as the base is down. 

My make-up felt modern but yet, it still nodded to the old by being blue undertoned with bling. The lash placement was different but was still undeniably gyaru. The wave pattern reminded me of the 60s and 70s so I made my hair have a slight nod to that intention. 

I think the problem with a lot of new era fashion or gyaru fashion coming out today is the lack of thought placed into coordination. Why do you place the things together that you do? Where is your inspiration coming from? What textures and colors are you playing with? What is the focal point of the outfit?

A lot of times in street snaps, a lot of the people featured would be asked, what is your fashion point today? I have even been asked this question at J-Fashion shows I've participated in and I've always had ready a key item or a key theme/concept. I think that's incredibly important when it comes to cohesion. It's the issue with microtrends. It's a trend and most people don't really think about why it's a trend or why it aligns with them. They do it because everyone else does it. 

It's the whole reason I didn't join in on the old-school hype back when it thrived. It was a gyaru community microtrend that would come and go. You could tell you really did align with that style and who was following based on the love and effort placed into an outfit. 

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you, and what aligns with you. For me? That means having fun with fashion because I enjoy all of it. Nothing is particularly a phase or a trend for me. I dress according to mood or inspiration. I attempt to make whatever I'm wearing my own in some way or another. 



I took a quick trip with friends out to Sacramento, which felt bizarre given that the last time I was there, it was when I was dorming at the university. It was weird being in a place that I used to live at but not live there anymore. I had gotten in such a routine of my friends being able to conveniently drop me off on the way dropping off another friend but now they have to take a stupid loop to my place and back again..which..ugh sucks. 

We just quickly had dinner and caught up on things since we hadn't seen each other in over a year. I threw on such a fucking quick outfit given I didn't know I was going out until the last minute. 

The theme was pink and 2005/2006. So everything I'm wearing is based on that era of time. The top is super old LL. This era of LL has literally turned me into an LL snob because now all I want is really old LL that occurred before the floral print took over the brand exclusively. The skirt is just one of those trended pleated jean skirts that I felt worked super well with top. The belt is the infamous Ma*rs chain belt like the diamante bling. It spices up every outfit I throw it with. You'd have to pry this belt from my old dead hands. I love this item. For shoes I could have gone with the JD clear pink mules but I wanted to be comfortable so I just decided to go with blinged-out pink Juicy Couture slides that are just as era-appropriate. I added a gold Chrome Hearts necklaces and wore my polkadot bling pink SV chain clutchbag because it matched pretty well. 

I hate my hair in these pics but my flat iron broke and my hair needed relayering (which I did the day after because I was so annoyed) so...we're just gonna ignore that. I don't think my 30 minute makeup job was too bad. Given the fact that 2006 makeup is pretty simple, my time constraint forced me to simple and thus, it's actually kind of fucking accurate. God bless. 


This I guess is a good point to transition into my San Francisco Adventure with Ichigo. This is a hard one because originally I vlogged this trip but with my YouTube currently being down, I don't have much to show for it. 

Ichigo and I habitually try to match or align our outfits when we hang out. It's really fun to do and I always feel like we're a very cohesive team when they do that. I feel like our theme for that day was red x black. I decided to finally bust out one of my favorite rokku pieces currently. I wasn't sure if San Francisco was going to be cold that day but took the risk with wearing long sleeves. 

This is an old school SPR piece that I loooove. It's such a cute piece. TRLL also makes similar prints and silhouettes in some of their onepieces but minus the studs and shit. I am a bitch for plaid and this screamed my name when I saw it for a reasonable price. Plus SPR comes in sizes which is also stupidly helpful. For this look, I decided to do half-up twintails inspired by Pikarin or as some could say, Misa Amane in weeb world, however, instead of leaving them straight I decided to curl them to give the outfit a cuter look given that the dress has lace and all. 


I added some Chrome Hearts accessories such as a necklace and bracelet because the buttons on the dress also have Chrome Hearts-inspired details. My shoes are my typical rokku platform sneakers that I even bust out for concerts because they can take a beating and I'm short, so a platform is helpful. My bag is that one bag I bought that I've actually been exclusively carrying lately as I've been doing rokku stuff a lot. I added a foxtail to it just as a neat little detail. People used to do shit like that all the time and I kept my old one. 

Ichigo and I mostly hung out in Japan Town that day. I had not been to the city since pre-pandemic back when Acme did a tour stop in San Francisco. Ironically I also wore black x red rokku wear then too so I'm just going to conclude that when I'm in the city that rokku is the fucking default look. 

A lot of businesses sadly have closed down given the lack of business during the pandemic and the fact that rent here is insanely high. Our favorite PuriKura place closed back in December of 2020 and it broke my heart walking past the closed boarded-up doors of one of my favorite hang-out spots. There are a lot of empty storefronts where arcades, food places, and stores used to me. There's one side of the mall that is crazily cleared out. My go-to Okonomiyaki place was gone on that side, an old long-running restaurant up the incline was gone, the clothing store next to Kuishinbo is vacant, and the big storefront across the Okonomiyaki place is gone, and Ichibankan long went out of business. In all, it looked like a dead zone if it hadn't been for Daiso downstairs and Uji Time's popularity on the lower floor. I'm really hoping that new family businesses or innovative places can occupy those spaces in the future because it truly is such a fun mall. 

Ichigo and I tried out a pretty famous ramen spot and I felt pretty good after out meal. Ramen typically makes me feel like shit but this place portioned it so nicely that I didn't feel awful at all. I wasn't so full that I was sick nor was a hungry until way later on in the day after I had walked a ton. 

We went on a hunt for Dollywink eyeliner and recently, that shit's been the black market. I think we had gone three different stores in San Francisco and couldn't find shit. The slot for it was there but it was empty as heck. Ichigo later on in a different city tried to get the goods only for it to be out of stock even at the huge grocery store in San Jose. It has truly been a struggle and it's definitely affected how the heck I've been doing my eye makeup lately. Most pens here in the US are expensive or felt tip and just too thick for what I want to do. Other eyeliners are kind of watery but at least they're brush tip. 

In all, lately, I've just been frustratingly wearing lopsided eye makeup because I'm not used to fucking with different eyeliner that isn't nearly as precise as what I am used to using. 

Before we left, I paid my friend Mari a visit at the video store she worked at. I thought that now would be the time to spend money on local legacy business given the climate of shit right now. They had some reasonably priced Sailor Moon Q-Poskets. Ichigo got Michiru and I got Haruka. <3 I was so nice seeing Mari after so long. It felt relieving seeing someone and something familiar when so much change has taken place. It was truly comforting. 

We also traveled to a separate mall near my old university and omg, it's like a new Japan Town. There were so many businesses there that either are in Japan Town or are Japanese if not Korean. They're adding in a Kura soon even. They had the Maiko Matcha Place, Uniqlo, Miniso (which isn't Japanese despite it's logo but you get my point), a couple of Japanese and Korean beauty stores, 85C is there, Tetsu for Japanese Cheesecake (one of which I got to take home since I've never tried them before). 

To close off our trip, we made a boba run at PurpleKow which is actually my favorite boba spot in the Bay Area. Their boba tastes super fresh and the tea is very decent. I haven't had it in years and I was literally yodeling at the first sip of milk tea and boba because ahhh..I really do miss things like this and it's such a rarity to enjoy it because I don't live close by. haha.. 

Afterward, both Ichigo and I became very busy and we haven't made plans to hang out since. School kicked off for both of us and we are having our asses kicked by our workload. 

It's by final semester before I graduate and I am just..swamped with things to do among some other personal life shit which really sucks and I can't really disclose it all here. I'm really anxious but excited about the future. 

I've been placing my focus mainly on schooling and networking lately rather than on gyaru fashion. I did make time over the weekend of my birthday because I do miss getting to dress up and do fun things. I also treated myself insanely well for my 30th birthday because it feels like a milestone to be here at this point in time. It's taken me a while to build myself up and accomplish things but I'm glad that I am making progress finally. 


My two looks were really fun. The first one was a very romantic boho-style Liz Lisa look that got lots of sweet compliments. My theme was "transitioning from summer into fall" through warm-toned colors and creams. I think the stand-out feature was the way I've really made my under-eye highlight look super wet underneath (inspired by Tsubasa who used to do that), the dual-toned lip color, and of course, my mermaid waved hair that truly made me feel like a Popteen model. 

The second look was an all-off brand look (to prove a point that yes, you can, if you're creative enough and know what you're aiming for). I was kind of inspired by Sayo Hayakawa from Ageha. I can't say this is a full agejo look but it felt like an Ageha-kei type of look. The dress is a Macy's halter dress from the 2000s that I added a GI brooch onto the bust area to make it *feel* more Ageha-esque. I originally bought the dress to match my Louis Vuitton x Takashi Murakami shoes that I bought myself as a Christmas present. The brown super matched still and the pink the middle feels like a nod towards the cherry blossom print on the shoes. The brooch also is silver in the middle and the shoes have croc-skin silver detailing and bling. I added a Vivienne orb pearl choker in a pink and silver colorway that I find maybe was the lacking part of this outfit other than my hair. I wish I had one of those long blingy Ageha-style necklaces that went in between the titties because the dress' neckline was low enough to be able to wear one of those nicely. I added a Hermes-style scarf as a headband to the look because I felt like my hair needed something. 


I was SUPPOSED to curl my hair but I was so burnt out from the day before's look that I opted to do my hair straight because fuck it. I made up for it by doing the hair I wanted to do recently for my Halloween look. So if I do this again, I totally know what hair I am doing and my plan for it worked out. Most of the time when my hair turns out how like I envisioned it or if it's just cool looking hair-it's totally by accident. 

For my birthday I bought myself a new phone while my trade-in value for my old phone made sense. I'm trying to possibly move countries in the future and felt like it would be good to have a stable unlocked phone. I invested in the iPhone 13 Pro Max. It's actually my first time having a phone on a release date and also my first time having a Max version of a phone. I read a lot on my phone (a lot of school textbooks digitally lately) so the big screen size is very forgiving on my eyes. It also helps me have more space for editing pictures or just generally editing InstaReels or whatever else. I also exclusively film my YouTube videos on my phone so it's nice to have a big screen in order to fully see what is going on as I film. 

I also did a huge fucking brand order. I wanted to do a YouTube video on my haul but I feel like any time I do a haul people talk shit or think it's pretentious even though I feel like hauls are fun and I enjoy seeing what people get. I got a really diverse set of clothing this round and my last haul for a very long time because I am now focused on other things. Like school and wanting to get my own place etc etc. so I won't be doing clothing hauls for a very long time. I actually knew that this was coming up in the future for me, so I went a bit crazy knowing that things would be a little tight budget-wise in the future. And given how the resell climate is right now, I really wanted to buy some dream pieces just in case they would be inflated a fuck ton or rare to find entirely by the time I came back into the buying game.  

I also bought the most recent Egg magazine. I think I've told you guys that even though I don't personally like the new style of Egg mag, I still like to keep informed. I almost didn't buy it but Airi convinced me to. So my condition was, if I can find one signed by one of the cover models, I would buy it. 

I lucked out and I bought a couple of signed things once I realized how to find signed things. haha.. I got the newest Egg magazine signed by Kirei (Kiiripu) who is one of my favorite Egg models of the new bunch. I'm also a huge fan recent of Eripi who I am convinced is going to carry this fucking magazine in the future. I love her make-up style and just..she's really on point most of the time. 

I also SOMEHOW managed to score some Tsubasa Masuwaka posters from when she models for a compilation album called 'Love Nation'. Funnily enough, there used to be video of the photoshoot that my posters were from. I wonder if I can still find that video. 

I bought one poster because it super girly and pink. However, I found a signed one right afterward and NEEDED IT because jfc...It was Tsubasa Masuwaka's signature. I don't even care how. It just looks look on my wall next to my collection other signed things. 

So in that regard, my haul was really fun. 


Lately, I've been working on my desk space because I am here working a lot now. I had a bad habit of working where I slept when it came to remote schooling and work. So this last semester, I decided that I needed to separate where I worked from where I slept. I worked on making a really cute mini-office space inspired by a lot of the kawaii desk setups I've seen on Instagram and TikTok. I will say that having a cute space has inspired me a lot and has made me more productive in this area. I have lights, a phone stand so I can multi-task between the laptop and phone, a humidifier (mainly because my mother smokes too much and I hate it and am trying to combat it), I have cherry blossom flowers with light...and in all just a lot of colored lights. I have a lot of signed stuff up on the wall above me (tho it's not all of my signed stuff actually. It's spread throughout the room). It's a really comforting space to work currently and I am enjoying it. 



I should probably discuss current matters given there is a lot of changes on my social media platforms because it's too big of an issue and a change to not bring up otherwise.

I think I've discussed before how fed up I am with kids literally vetting veteran gals (or gals who aren't vets) based on race or anything else for that matter. This is always an exhausting fight that leads to so many of my friends deleting their social media or being afraid to post due to relentless bullying that occurs on their own platform. The same goes for people trying to drag Japanese models for whatever reason. I'm sick of seeing that energy. I should follow my own advice, if I don't align with someone, it's as easy as not engaging with them anymore and blocking them as should they. And I will be doing that from now on.

My opinion is, if this fashion is so "offensive" and you're constantly canceling it for whatever reason? It's probably not the fashion for you and you should probably stop forcing yourself to like something that you're constantly getting triggered by. 

It sounds bitchy but when your friends have to go through shit even on their own social media, it's too much. I finally had it and defended a friend because my patience wore too thin.There's so much tension when it comes to topics like this and I hate when anyone is asked "are you xyz race?"...because at the end of the day, it's really nobody's fucking business. Unless they're close friends or are engaging with you regularly, you don't owe somebody that answer. It's why there's a 'decline to state' on forms in places. It's honestly nobody's business and is just rude to think 'oh if you're xyz you can't do gyaru'. Fuck that shit. ANYONE. Absolutely ANYONE can do gyaru. Nobody has that power to give you permission to do anything. I can't tell you how many of my mixed-race friends get shit on constantly. 

I'm also extremely tired of my race always having a negative connotation behind it. Not all of us are ignorant assholes and most of the time when someone makes a generalization, I understand they're not meaning *everyone*. However, when death threats, bullying, and other shit constantly has been going on-it becomes a fucking problem that I'm done tolerating. I understand where people come when they say certain things that they say. Trust me, even I am sometimes like, "fucking white people" with a facepalm because I sometimes see it and go through as someone who basically has fit in nowhere racially. I've literally put myself in literal danger even for being different or a 'traitor' or whatever through the eyes of someone training to be a cop a few years back by defending a roommate who was from overseas and it sucked immensely. Trust me. I get what people mean in many other environments and contexts-and I'm with you on that but this ain't it. This is a fucking FASHION. A HOBBY.. I'm sick of being told I deserve to be harmed or mass euthanized for liking J-Fashion or being Gyaru and just so happening to be white. That's disgusting behavior. I've had other friends who are different races and places express the same experiences and feelings and it's just overall a shitty experience and it shouldn't be welcome within our communities. Period. Regardless of what race you are, it's shitty and shouldn't be happening to you. 

 Gyaru isn't supposed to be the place where any of this type of thing goes on. Politics have no place in this fashion and most people just wanna look at cute clothes, talk about models, and just chill out. It's supposed to be an escape from that real world bullshit that we typically doom scroll through. And when people are trying to fucking justify their racism by disguising it via social justice or whatever activism it is-it's an issue. You can be racist towards anyone. Hate speech absolutely is hate speech regardless of who it is and whom it's coming from. I see people overall just being nasty to everyone regardless of what they look like. You know it's an issue when huge figureheads of J-Fashion communities are having to come to the defense of people who are victims to this bullying. So much attention has been brought to this even from outside sources and it's just an embarrassing look for the J-Fashion community as a whole to consistently have their content policed based on what race they are or whatever else. 

I mentioned this on my Instagram post but, can you imagine how many gyaru content creators we could have if people weren't like this? There are so many vetgals who have tons of resources they could share and so much misinformation could be dispelled if people would just allow long-time figureheads to fucking exist without being bullied or ran off. It's really discouraging currently as a content creator. I've been doing the YouTube thing since 2013 and this blog as been up for as long and it's frustrating to see people dip and out of making things due to people just overall being gross to them. I was so excited when I saw an influx of YouTubers and whatever else and it hurt to see so many people disappear. Misinformation gets spread because people who do know a lot get run out. We're not allowed to share or speak. People only pay attention to what we look like or what we're into and start running their mouths. 

So yeah, I paid the consequences by having an opinion that if you're cancelling things left and right please cancel everything and leave so the rest of us can enjoy in peace. I got dragged for defending a friend from a shitty remark about their race and witchhunted by attempting to be proactive by asking who and where also said shitty things to other people because nobody should be saying anything fucked up to anyone to start with. I'll tell them off myself. Because I'm sick of this constantly being a conversation and this discourse continuously going on in a community that shouldn't even revolve around these issues. 

I feel like without discussing why none of this is okay, it's not ever going to get solved. I heard someone also explain this in a YouTube video, how it's such a touchy subject to cover but if it's not openly discussed, it's just going to get worse and never be solved. Hence why I said anything and am saying anything now. You can't solve the issue without involving the other party also. If you keep screaming that this is an issue but exclude yourself from wanting to collaborate and actively fix your issue? Then nothing will be done. Period. 

In terms of preferences, people align with others who share the same styles as them or whatever else.  I really don't think it's based on what people think it is. Some of the gals who do have large followings do so because they selflessly contribute to their community. Just posting an outfit shot or selfie isn't really contributing to your community. You need to engage with other people. If you don't allow others to get to know who you are as a person, how can you expect for them to want to engage with you as well? You have to share the things you like or what you're into. You have to be open to making friends with other fellow gals in order to really gain that sense of community acceptance that you desire. Otherwise, you'll be alone. Sometimes it's fine being alone. Personally, I don't need a community to be gyaru myself. I just enjoy doing it for myself at this point and if people support me and are along for the ride? That's fine too. 

You also have to make gyaru related things for the right reason just as much as people should be doing gyaru for the right reasons. If you're only doing it to become popular or gain a social media following-then you'll be disappointed. This isn't that type of Instagram influencer type of deal and gyaru as a whole isn't as popular as it once was. There's not a lot to work on compared to the past where brands debuted a lot, fashion shows showcased brands and new models, gals events, etc. It's a lot more underground now than it was during its peak and because of that, you really do have to like it because you like it. Because yeah-you're not going to gain that traction that you think you will assume that it's unique enough to stand out. I've had baby gals disclose this to me before, them wanting to be famous and known for doing gyaru. That's the wrong approach to this. You just need to happen to be gyaru and pursue your goals. You can't use this fashion to pursue anything. It doesn't work that way. You can almost tell who's doing it for the right reasons who isn't given the excess of monotonous "how2gyaru 101" content versus shit down and shown outside of that. Anyone who actually knows more has more to talk about. And nobody who hasn't been in participating this fashion for a good while should be educating anyone on anything. Mainly because you're contributing to the misinformation that can occasionally lead to bullying or other excessive bullshit. 

This is why I started the magazine flipthrough project with other gyaru. This is why I did heavy style analysis formatted as I went through so nothing I said wasn't backed up by something I was noticing or seeing. I didn't want to just make stuff for new gals or outside people but also for veteran gals because there was a lack of content online for people who didn't need the 101 run-through. Now there are a few people covering models or style journies and it's such a refreshing change of pace and I'm grateful for that because that's more of what we need to see and it's furthest thing from a clout chase but people who actually are enthusiastic either observing things or participating. 

There's also nothing wrong with people being a fan of gyaru but not participating or being an enthusiast who knows a lot about gyaru but maybe isn't gyaru. You don't have to participate to like something. It just means you have to try harder to contribute or engage because unfortunately like most alt-fashions, people are hesitant to engage with outside people because we don't know if you're a creep or not because sadly creeps and weirdos have definitely been invited in at one point or another. 

In regards to the witchhunt based on me; I am not at all shocked. The people who started this weren't following or supporters of me to start with. They used to follow me back when I was beneficial to them and this ordeal was just an excuse to hate me further than they already lowkey did. They leapt upon the opportunity to influence other people based on their dislike of me. If anyone fully saw the conversation and knew me well enough as a person, they'd understand where my intentions were coming from and knew I meant no harm what-so-ever. But like I said, none of these people actually know me at all nor did they support me to start with. They just wanted to encourage some others to be on the hate train with them that they were already on. If you wanna get aboard that train, that's on you. Their lack of support is no loss to me because many of those people didn't support me to start with me for it to really be their issue to start with, and those who went along with it? I don't need that mob mentality energy on my page to start with. -shrugs- Good riddance. 

However, due to that nonsense, I've had to take precautions on my own platforms because I was relentlessly getting harassed and having been told I've deserving of assault and death was the last straw for me. I decided to take down my YouTube for the time being because I didn't need comments flooding into an area that was primarily positive. The worst shit I would get before is kids not asking me how I am or even knowing me but demanding a list of gyaru brands to find (I won't tell you because you need to do your own research and I don't know what your intentions are and if you had good intentions, figuring out yourself would do you some good)  or demanding that I sell them my shit. It went from entitled energy to an entirely different demon that I did not want to welcome in a space that I worked so hard on. 

I am not coming back to Twitter. This is my second try. I know it's fun engaging in conversation with other people but fuck that place. 

Instagram I've limited the comments to who I follow only until further notice because there's too much hateful energy going on and I can't be assed to truly tolerate it anymore. If anyone I follow says anything shitty, they'll be blocked. 

The same goes for here. If you say anything shitty, I'll just delete your comment and block you because at this point, I don't owe niceness to anyone. I should just be the bitch people rumor me to be since that's the only narrative that usually matters regardless of the truth. Personally, I think I treat people accordingly. 

I mentioned on my Instagram as well how a lot of people incite change by using hashtags. However, I felt that it was best to omit one and I should have done this the first time I left the gyaru community. To fair, I have never fully been welcomed or have been a part of it to start with. Hence why I tried to empathize with others who expressed this. I've been making content because I enjoy making content and others just happened to really like it. However, I've always been an outsider looking in and I have no issue with that. I have no problem sitting alone at a table because I rather have that than sit down at one full of fake bitches who secretly all hate each other. That's exhausting and that's the issue with the gaijin gyaru community.

There's always been this unspoken nonsensical social hierarchy bullshit that goes on regardless if someone wants to acknowledge that or not.  A lot of people are rewarded for shitty behavior or are given a louder platform because others are too afraid to say anything knowing it will cause an issue. Hence why I have always been an issue. I'm known to be outspoken with my opinions on specific subjects and question why things are the way that they are. I've never cared whether or not people liked me or what my follower count looked like-all mostly while staying in my own lane. Hence why I'm puzzled why anyone would care.. I've only cared about my safety or my efforts being jeopardized by shitty people who can't stay in their own lane. 

The issue with the gaijin gyaru community as I mentioned before is the fact that most people can't say anything with their chest. They have to hide behind a wall or follow the crowd in order to go along to get along when in all actuality, nobody really gets along with each other. 

And given the most recent actions, do I really want to associate myself with that shit? I should have long emitted the #gaijingyaru from my posts forever ago but I thought that it would be fine given that I am still contact with some people that are a part of the community that are sweet people and make me not want to hate everything about it. I've met some really kind people who I talk to regularly about things even outside of gyaru and it's always been great to learn about how other people live in different places or whatever else they're into outside of gal.

But then I realized that those have become close friends to me regardless of whether or not they're gyaru. We'd talk regardless. My friendships with them are not reliant on the gaijin gyaru community (or even gyaru for that matter) and they would support me regardless of whether I was or not at this point gyaru or if I was a part of that community or catering to it. So why am I catering to it as a whole when I don't need to anymore? The people I want to cater to already support me. 

So I decided to omit the hashtag #gaijingyaru because that's not the community I represent or want to be associated with. I'm just gyaru and I do this for myself at this point. If you're along for the ride in my lane, that's fine. If not? Please fuck on off so the rest of us can enjoy things in peace... Because this discourse and bitchiness a whole is exhausting. I can't tell you how many friends of mine do the J-Fashion thing but refuse to post anything or tag shit or want to be a part of the community because it's known for bullshit like this. Ugh. 

It's such a shame because we all like the same shit... -facepalms- so why is it even like this given that? Who gives a fuck about clout chasing numbers or whatever dude... We should be enthusiastic about other shit that isn't this. 


So that's currently where I am at with this situation. I think this (unless I really have to say anything else out of defense for myself) this will be the last time I talk about any of this shit. :') 


Basically, be open about shit and be nicer people. If you don't like what someone likes or posts, fucking unfollow them or something. Stop harping on someone else's own page. If you're not @'d in the conversation, shut the fuck up. Stop capping people's conversations to put them on blast publicly over petty shit (unless it's for good reason in defense of yourself and in that case, pop the fuck off). Stop being fake bitches on the internet-don't be one way in front of someone and be a bitch as soon as they leave the room. Shit's messy as hell. God damn. 


Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been updating if any of you actually enjoy my crazy ass long blog posts. I was prioritizing life and when wasn't life it was YouTube shit. I thought I'd finally catch up with everything that's gone on the past few months. I'm sorry this is all over the place. Hopefully my next update ends on a better note and has less random shit in it given how long it had been since I last updated.