The Awakening to Fashion...
500 yen a day working part-time at my family's pub. I used the money I saved to buy clothes...
Ever since I can remember, I have loved fashion. I grew my hair long when I was in kindergarten, and when I got home, I was always wearing a skirt. Actually...I was often mistaken for a boy because of my name "Tsubasa"! So, I wanted to be more girly. However, it wasn't until I was in the upper grades of elementary school that I discovered the joy of choosing clothes for myself. By that time, I was already without my parents and went shopping with my friends. Of course, I couldn't buy clothes with the pocket money I that I would usually get, so I started working part-time when I was in elementary school.
However, since I worked at an izakaya only at my house, I used to wash dishes and carry food there. The part-time job fee is 500 yen per day. Even though 500 yen doesn't seem like much, if you save up for 4 days, it will be 2,000 yen, and you can buy a cute T-shirt. I continued working part-time at an izakaya even after I entered junior high school, and even my school friends did it together, so it was fun.
When I was in elementary school, I was able to study normally, and I had good friends. I didn’t like school at all, but to be honest, I actually don’t like teachers. There was a female teacher who always paid attention to me. "Don't come to school wearing those clothes." I know that I'm wearing a glittery top, but even when I'm wearing unfashionable clothes, I don't know why that teacher would warn me. Don't ask me why but I was scared. I would answer “yes” but I remember running away whenever I saw that teacher.
When I was in the 5th grade of elementary school, I was reading "egg magazine" with my friends, so maybe I woke up to being a gyaru earlier than a normal child. With that being said, I wasn't interested at all in the mamba style that was popular at the time. I didn’t do that style. I admired the fairer styles with beautiful makeup (seiso).
My idols at that time were SPEED and Namie Amuro-chan. Since I was in elementary school, I imitated their styles and wore thick boots and platform sandals. However, it is difficult to walk, and often fell! (laughs)
The Burberry miniskirt that Amuro-chan wore at her wedding reception was so amazing! Of course, I tried to buy something like it too! But, I was still in elementary school, so no matter what I did, I couldn't imitate her and be perfect at all! -laughs- I as I entered into middle school, I admired the singer Ayu (Ayumi Hamasaki) the most and began to read the magazine “Popteen” but at the time, I didn’t even know of the word “mo” (model) and never dreamed that I would appear in it...
When I Started Hating People
After the snap was published in a magazine, a direct attack upon me began on message boards…
The thing that triggered it all was that I had started to appear in magazines as an amateur snap model. The first time I was published in a magazine, it was in a magazine called "Ranzuki”. What happened was that I was photographed in Shibuya when I was in my second year of high school. Even though it was a very small photo in a magazine, I was surprised when everyone said, "You got it!" After that moment, little by little, I started appearing in various magazines such as "egg", "men's egg", and "Popteen".
However, in proportion to that happening, my friends became more and more reserved around me. After the snap was published in the magazine, a direct attack towards me began on a message board. When I now meet people for the first time for work, I am often surprised by being asked things like, "Are you shy?!?!" Maybe it was because I modeled for gyaru magazines, but everyone seemed to imagine me as a more open-minded and extroverted character. I’m very far from being shy to be honest. However, I have a feeling that girls of my age are a bit scary, and I think that this kind of why an introverted personality was pushed on me and was greatly influenced by my experiences in high school.
Not a single person spoke ill of me to my face. All the gossiping about me was written on the "school bulletin board" that place was just beginning to become popular around that time. At first, my friends told me that they were saying something bad about me, but I took it lightheartedly. However, when I looked at what was written about me for myself, it was so bad that I started to believe what was being said.
Just because you’re featured in a magazine doesn’t make it okay. There were comments like, “That girl doesn’t have a single friend in her hometown”. There were also very specific stories that only very close friends would have known about.
I was really nauseous thinking, "Who wrote this?" The people who usually talk to me with a smile might be cursing me badly... One time I received an email saying, "Don’t get carried away just because you're in a magazine and it's a little cute. Be careful on the streets at night." Strangely enough, I gradually got used to such terrible writing about me and I think my heart became stronger.
In the end, it was actually depressing but I also tried to take those bad words in positively. If I was written about by others as being "fat", I thought, "I'm going to lose weight so I’m not told this" and tried to go on a diet. I attempted to keep it as inconspicuous as possible.
However, since I was hurt by "garbage writing" in high school, I haven't been able to easily open up to people. When I meet people for the first time, I basically treat them with the thought that this person may not like me. It may be a little twisted, but I've always felt that doing so saves me from getting hurt later on.
The Early Era
Even though I had become a reader model, I had no money at all! I was working at my job so much that I didn't even have any time to sleep...
Recently, I've been surprised by what people around me have said. "I'm glad it sold quickly." I'm joking -laughs-. The first time that I appeared in "Popteen" (hereafter referred to as "POP") was when I was in my second year of high school. For about two years I was really poor because I wasn't really invited to shoot. By the time I had graduated from high school, I was invited to POP from time to time, but of course, I couldn't make a living just by being a reader model.
At that time, the only occupations that came to my mind that I was not embarrassed to tell my friends about were either at the tanning salon or a shop staff. So, I chose the tanning salon. I wondered if I could bake there for free -laughs-. I had started this job because I thought it would be easy and it sounded good, but I was surprised at how hard it actually was!
However, working at a tanning salon was the right answer. At the time, there weren't any dark-skinned girls in the reading model section, so I started getting calls due to people who weren't very good at ganguro, and eventually, I was able to appear in the magazine every time.
People are surprised when I say this, but a model reader’s pay is extremely cheap. About 2,000 to 10,000 yen for one shoot. Even if I was delayed for about 10 days, and had to shoot several photos in one day, the guarantee for each shoot would never be less than 100,000 yen. There's no stylist on those pages, so I have to do everything myself.
There were times when it was really hard for me to wear clothes from 2-3 years ago even though all of my senpai who all were modeling got to wear fashionable clothes. Back then, I would go to shoot on the first train and when I was finished from there, I would go straight to my job at the tanning salon. It was normal for me to work until 2 in the morning, sleep only 2-3 hours, and then shoot again.
Physically, it wasn't that hard. Rather, at that time, I was mentally in a state of disrepair. I was constantly being criticized in blog comments, and even when I went to the set, I didn't have a single friend who was a model, so I was lonely…
- bitter smile - It's completely different from what I had imagined it to be like.
Back then, I was happy and was able to do my best merely by being invited to the editorial department. I had no confidence in myself at all, so feeling that I was needed for the magazine was a tremendous source of emotional support for me. At first, I didn't have anyone to talk to and I couldn't even have a conversation anywhere. However, as I worked hard, I gradually made friends with other models. When we became friends all together, I came to realize that they were "POP" reader models as well. Many of those same people and I are still friends to this day.
Active as a Reader Model
When I had an accident and almost gave up modeling, I was predicted to succeed by a medium...
The reason why I became able to play an active role as a "POP" model may have been the prophecy of a psychic I met when I hit rock bottom. I will never forget Christmas day of the year that I graduated from high school. Two days before I was able to appear on a fashion page with a stylist for the first time; having only appeared on plain clothes pages on POP-I was in a car accident. There was an incredible amount of blood coming out of my mouth. It was such a terrible accident that people at the hospital told me that I would have died if I had sat in the passenger seat. I didn't die for the time being, but my face was swollen like Mr. Iwa.
After that, the swelling subsided in about a month, but my tooth took years to heal completely. I couldn't speak properly for a while, and when I thought, "What if my face didn't return to normal…?", it was so painful that I really wanted to commit suicide. Of course, the fashion page that I was supposed to appear on had another girl published instead, and I cried every day when I saw that page.I thought, “I will never be able to model again, and my life is over.” So, things were so bad that I went to see a medium to ask him to perform an exorcism.
“Don't give up on your modeling job. If you keep going, you will definitely be able to do great things." Even with my face, which was getting worse, I told myself, "It's okay. I'll be back to normal." | was skeptical about whether or not it was true. People around me took good care of me and I was still completely cured. About a year and a half later, I was able to appear in "POP" again.
For the first time, an editorial staff member told me to do whatever I wanted, and the page I planned was chosen as the most popular page in a reader survey. And in the next issue, it will be a part of the cover. After that, I gradually was able to do more challenging work, such as suggesting fashion that I liked and requesting clothes that I wanted a stylist to collect. The number of fans who support me increased more and more. Compared to my previous lonely life centered on my part-time job, I was finally able to experience the happiness of being able to do what I wanted to do. It's really fun to be able to wear a lot of your favorite clothes and take various pictures.
However, I don't want to appear on the cover of every issue. I wasn't very happy that I was the only one on the POP cover page. I seriously thought, "I'll eventually get bored," or "I'm sure readers would like to see more models." I'm very happy to be invited to do fashion shoots, but I don't really want to be famous. This slightly complicated and subtle thought still persists in me...
My Fated Person, Ume-chan
When I told Ume-san that I was pregnant, he said, "Let's give birth!"
I met Ume-chan when I was 18 years old. I happened to join a group of model friends over there at Mcdonald's in Shibuya. At that time, I knew about Ume-san because he had already appeared in "Men's Egg", but I thought he was taller and had a lower voice than I had imagined. I felt natural around him -sorry -. He was very easy to talk to, so after that, I confided in him a lot, just like I would a female friend. When I was with Ume-san, we got along so well that we could talk as much as we wanted, but I didn't have any particular romantic feelings.
So, for about half a year, it felt like we were just good friends, but Ume-san seemed to like me. Everyone said so! -laughs - I liked him too, but I didn't want to go out with him because I thought it would be the end of our good relationship. But that all changed when I turned 20 in January when I went to Tahiti for two weeks on a business trip. Before going to Tahiti, I jokingly said to Ume-chan, "I miss you when I don't get emails from anyone, so please email me every day." So after that, when I came back to Japan, I was really surprised that I was receiving emails every day, and that made me really happy. I also replied to one email – laughs -. That email is still there saved.
In it was written, "Tsu-chan, is there someone that you like?" but, there was no progress for about two months after that. One day I received an email saying, "The one I like is Tsu-chan. Ah, I told you."
I told him, “Thank you, so what?" Somehow from there, we started dating.
After that, Ume-chan and I appeared in "POP" together, and our relationship went smoothly. I found out that I was pregnant, a little over a year after we started dating. I was called a "super reader model", and I was half-happy about this popularity but I was also scared.
Before then, my impression of a man getting his girlfriend pregnant was that he would either run away or would change his mind. But when I found out I was pregnant, Ume-chan told me to give birth. Even after I went to the hospital, I suddenly became old-fashioned, saying, "Be careful when you go home." Before I got married, I often heard that married life was the worst, so honestly, I was scared.
"If we get married, will we get along badly?" But when I got married, it was surprisingly fun. We almost never fight. Ume-chan helps me with housework and child-rearing so I’m really happy that I got married to him.
The Magazine Wedding
In a situation where they can't even announce their marriage freely, the two are on the verge of exploding due to stress...
"It's hard to read!" I felt this way the most strongly when I couldn't tell everyone that I was going to marry Ume-chan. The more I appeared in magazines and the more my name became known, the more also I realized that I could not do anything on my own.
When I found out I was pregnant and decided we were going to give birth together, I was planning to graduate from POP as soon as possible, because I thought everyone would want to see Tsubasa from "POP".
Even the people who give me various jobs say that they want, "POP' Tsubasa, so I want to use that image and title, and I can't just use Tsubasa Masuwaka." That's why I thought that if I had to take a break to give birth, come back, and suddenly have nowhere to go, that I would boldly graduate from the magazine. To be honest, I was tired of living in a crowd of people when I went to Shibuya.
However, things weren't going so easy when I consulted with the editorial staff. They told me, "For the sake of all the readers of the magazine, let's announce the marriage in the magazine." Until then, I was told that even if I get married, I can’t write about it on my blog.
It was decided that “POP” would be our wedding anniversary issue, which will be released on January 27th, and that the editorial department will prepare everything for our wedding. Filming and photoshoots for other things were in October, but right before that, Ume-chan and I were extremely stressed because we were so busy and we didn't know what was going on. I
It's the first time I've been in such a foul mood since I started dating him. Of course, it was the first time for both of us, so there was a lot we just didn’t understand, and we couldn’t freely decide anything on our own... But when it came time for the actual performance, I was so moved that I cried, and was so glad I had the ceremony done. I’m so grateful.
Even before the wedding occurred, there were rumors about the marriage. After it was over, blogs started flooding with comments like, "Why are you lying even though you're married?" At that time, I was really sick and tired.
The marriage was scheduled for December 25th, so we decided to announce it on our blogs before the release of, “POP”. To the fans, sincerely, we wanted to talk about it in our own words.
However, on December 17th, online news was reporting that “Tsubasa Masuwaka got married!” which was the worst! It even came out saying, "Tsubasa Masuwaka and Naoki Umeda will be registered on December 25th!" And my blog was filled with comments like, "You're a liar" and "Why did you keep quiet until now?" I cried every day for a week after that...
The Birth Announcement
Even during pregnancy and after giving birth, I was even terrified by the heartless comments on my blog...
I decided to announce that I got married in the magazine. However, it was a decision that everyone thought about when it came to hiding the fact that I was pregnant. Not everyone who reads a pregnancy blog is a good person. I knew from previous comments that I shouldn’t read it because I was a fan.
So even after I got married, I never wrote about my pregnancy on the blog. I have a negative side to my in the first place, so I didn't want to feel stressed by being written about (and actually, it was written about) saying "I hope you have a miscarriage!". Besides, if I think about the worst, I might walk outside and get kicked in the stomach by someone who doesn't like me very much, right? “Shouldn't you just know how this is going to be?" was my conclusion to myself.
Even so, rumors still spread, and there were many terrible comments written that made people afraid to walk outside. When I gave birth, I thought about the writing in advance, so I uploaded it at a calm time. However, when I read the comments, I was surprised and saddened by the number of people who said, "I feel betrayed." "I believed in Tsu-chan!" I just wanted to protect my child from malice. I'm happy that you like me, but the distance between me and the fans was a bit confusing.
I wonder if I really did do something that betrayed them... Among the fans, I think that I am a very relatable person because I am short and have a lot of complexes among the other reader models. Because of that, I got a lot of angry comments like, "I wanted you to say something about this in real-time."
Then I would say, "You're not raising children anyway, are you?" I overreacted to that kind of thing, and I almost had a nervous breakdown. When it comes to childcare, no matter how well you do it, I think there will always be people who judge and complain. If you upload a photo of your child to your blog, no matter how cute the child is, people will definitely call you names.
I also worry about getting involved in an incident, which is why I don't post pictures of my child. At one point, I really wanted to stop blogging, so I at first, closed the comment section but without the exchange of comments, I couldn't enjoy blogging at all. When I also received a lot of comments saying "I've been waiting for you", I was so happy that I cried. I realized that each and every warm comment really helped me. I've lived my life looking at other people's opinions, but since I got married and had a child, I've gradually come to think that it's all right to do what's right for you, no matter what people say. I got stronger. Ume-chan and his friends get angry together when something terrible is written. When my heart is sick, it cheers me up. It always supports my heart...
My Life…
I have no interest in luxury. I'm working hard to save money for my home for my child’s future...
The thing that changed the most after having a child was the way I looked at the world... I'm very responsive to incidents that involve children, and since I have a lot of laundry to do, I'm also worried about the weather forecast every day -laughs-. After everything, I came to think that I should acquire more common sense. After all, you probably won’t like it when your child asks you a question and you’re unable to answer it!
Everything started to be child-centered. Even now, I receive 300,000 yen for my living expenses from Ume-chan. I pay for rent, utilities, and food, and the rest is saved. I save what I earn because I know that kids will definitely cost a good portion of money from now on. When the time comes and my family needs a large amount of money, I want to be prepared so that I can give it without hesitation.
Besides, I don't know how long I'll have work -bitter smile-. Originally, I didn’t seem to be interested in such luxuries. I don't want to go to a trendy restaurant, ride in a luxury foreign car, or make a fuss at a fancy party. Magazine work is glamorous as is, so if you go to the shooting sites, it's enough of a party!
I'm not really interested in brands. The most expensive purchase that I've ever made would be a Louis Vuitton carrying case. It cost about 300,000 yen, but I bought it because I thought it would last a lifetime. Honestly, though, I rarely buy really expensive things. However, I do want to buy a house -laughs-. I want to buy one while I'm young and so I’ll be able to enjoy it. I don't like the life of being chased by loans. When I save enough money to buy an apartment, I want to buy it with cash.
I especially admire the places with large parks nearby… It's a distant dream…
People often say, "You're young but you're strong, aren't you?"
Maybe that's because my mother was pretty natural. Ever since I was little, I've thought, "I have to do my best because my mother is lazy!" -laughs-. I can't imagine what my future self will be like, but I think I'm really happy right now. Even though I graduated from POP without thinking about the future, there are still many people who offer women wonderful jobs even after becoming housewives. There are still many fans who support me with warm words.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was in a happy situation that I could never have imagined...
Thanks to the support of my family, I can always work happily like this. I honestly don’t know what’s coming next or what I can do from now on, but someday in the future, I want to do a job that makes many people feel happy.
Please everyone, also work on also become fine adults as well one day…
-Tsubasa Masuwaka
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