Fanime 2015: The Revival

I have just gotten back from the longest fun filled weekend and I for sure have to share it with you all asap. Fanime has been my home convention for the longest time. I've been going since I was sixteen years old (2008, way back when An Cafe was a huge highlight) and I have never missed it since. I went from being a cosplayer to just a general fashionista at this convention. I've lost friends and gained friends at this convention too... It's hard to believe that this is my 8th Fanime. Two more and it will be 10....

First off a HUGE HUGE thank you to my friends who made this work out last minute. A bit personal but we all know even through this blog how iffy I was on going to *anything* anymore. I just hadn't been having a good time even at the things I was going to before. There were a lot of nights with avoidance and tears... A lot of personal stuff went on and it just well broke me down. I've been at my lowest point for the longest time and have wondered if it was going to get better... And I just debated whether or not I wanted to put myself through that again. My confidence took the biggest hit and while I'm not all together again doing shoots like I was or just...putting myself *out there* in general. This was a start and my friends were the biggest god damn rock and biggest encouragement. There were many many things thrown our way at this con and I think in this past year not only just me but the rest of us have had tests within our friendships. The fact that we made this work was amazing. Thank you for coming together like a unit despite the adversity and harassment you had to go through to bring me to your side. Thank you for not caring what others say or what they have said. Thank you for putting up with my lack of confidence and indecisiveness thanks to my doubts and fears taking over. I hope you know how much encouragement and strength you have given me. I really *do not* want to lose any more friends but the fact that you have grown to understand me and understand the adversity I face and the pain I habor is a huge deal to me. So thank you for enduring me and thank you for really understanding that none of this was or is any easier for me as much as it has been hard for you guys as well. You guys have rekindled something in me that's been lost for the longest time under the layers of hurt and sadness... I am truly grateful.

As for the rest of the people who came and said hello to me. Thank you so much. I never really expected anyone to be excited to see me or say that they missed me so much. I didn't expect to be cried over or hugged so tight. I didn't expect anyone to stand up for me when there was trouble. I just...was so shocked. I'm tearing up just typing this. You guys have truly reminded me why I go to conventions and why I struggle earning and spending so much money to come out that way Memorial Day weekend (or to any event not just this one). You guys are worth that cash and trouble spent. I'm so so glad I got to reconnect with some of you that I haven't talked to in a couple years or a couple months. It made me so happy and to have you encourage me to come out more or invite me out is even more shocking and heartwarming. I want to spend more time with everyone that came to see me or say hello. I want to get to know you all more. Thank you so so much.....  Thank you for the deep thought out talks late at night and during lunch, thank you for introducing me to your lovers and close friends, thank you for the sweet gifts that reminded you of me, thank you for spending time with wounded barely getting up off the ground me. You are all giving me that strength that I need to get back up even if it's partial and do what I love. I really lost myself this past year due to a lot of loss and just...emotional wounds. I forgot about the things I love and the people who came with the things and hobbies that I love. Haha...I feel like such a dork writing this crying... But I mean every bit of this as I type it. I might not be the person who I was before who was crazy confident to the point of being borderline competitive serious. I might not be swarmed with new shoot material to show you guys anymore or be at things as often. I might not be as encouraging or just...generally just that fun outgoing person I was before. I won't be the person I used to be but hopefully this revived and new person is someone that you guys can grow to accept and someone I can grow into.....

Anyway enough with the feels!

Fanime was incredibly last minute. I went with a couple of close friends who seriously pulled strings last minute. Outfit wise I went with my newest purchase, I got a pink striped Golds Infinity dress. It was seriously sexy. I want more Golds Infinity. The older stuff or the stuff in between is seriously growing on me. I wore it with black Yumetenbo thigh boots and curled my hair. I was super gyaru for a bit. The biggest regret of my weekend was not getting any outfit pictures at all. So blog post don't expect anything BUT that because all I have is a bunch of selcas. I feel narcissistic asking someone to take a picture on my phone of myself. OTL I'll have to shoot my outfits another time. Day one and two's outfits were the sexiest I had felt in a long ass time though!

  We stayed at a hotel far away, a bit of a drive from the convention center. I helped Tammy with badge pick up and then we roamed around a bit. I met her super sweet friend Ken who is also my friend Jett's friend. Yay new friends! THIS GUY MAKES YUMMY DRINKS! I don't drink but he was totally into making 'non-alcoholic' drinks too. I think this was the first drinking experience that I have ever been super comfortable at. It was super chill. We all drank and talked. I invited Emma over since I wanted to give her gifts and lend her my Sailor Moon wand for her cosplay on Saturday. I met her super sweet boyfriend Henry. Tammy got to meet them as well and they met Ken. We all connected really well and had a good time. I wish we tagged along with Ken more though! ahaha next time!!

I took Emma and Tammy down the street. Along the way we spotted Muji and went inside. This was the first time exploring Muji. I want to go back and buy pretty pen sets and storage containers when I'm more balling. This weekend was just full of necessities and good food though.

After Muji we headed down to my favorite cafe down in the area away from the con and more near the school. I absolutely *adore* Amor Cafe. It's really relaxing and away from the con craziness. If you're willing to walk past Safeway and all, it's a nice get away spot. I love their drinks, bakery treats, and Chicken Nibblers. I literally got all of my kouhai obsessed with chicken nibblers. Mainly and specifically the sauce. IT WAS THE BEST SAUCE EVER. Right girls?

After food Tammy went off to spend time with some friends and I ended up over at Emma's hotel room. This is where I surprised Sydney and Bella! It was so happy I got to reunite with them. We hugged each other so fucking tight and spazzed out because it had literally been forever. I forgot what we did but I'm sure we ended up over at Pizza my Heart with a huge group of their friends. Henry rejoined us and I creeped on cuties in their kigus like the horrible pedophile I am. I literally went to Pizza my Heart for the vanilla Coke just to get stuck with cherry. Well damn.

Afterward I went to the game room with Sydney and Bella to meet up with Miguel. We had loads of fun derping around. By this time everyone else was realizing I was actually at the con and messaging me up a storm. I kept texting people to assure them that I would for sure seem them the next day. With that said I watched Miguel and Sydney play DDR and have Sydney painfully lose. We never got to PuriKura (;_; fuck) and I got to watch Bella and Sydney screech at each other while playing House of the Dead 2 (yay Dreamcast oldie much?!). They went off to go play Cards Against Humanity and I went to go find Jett and with Jett I found Vale. We ended up sitting around and just chilling. I was just super happy to see my brobro!

Afterward we turned in for the night but fucking the boys stayed up all night derping. They memorized this one song that I so won't get over. Like how the fuck did they memorize that shit? I will never know....

The next morning I woke up feeling like complete shit. I somehow stumbled out of bed and managed to put my face on. I don't even know how the fuck I managed but I did. Saturday's theme was 'rock gyaru'. I wore DIA for the first time though it looked like costume-y DIA. Perhaps a Halloween collab? It has DIA tags and the hood connected specifies the style is indeed. I had to get it. It was another new purchase for my haul from the weekend before. It was purple and crazy unique. I was pretty in love with it. Everyone insisted it needed a witch hat even though it had a hood.

Make up wise I layered lashes for the first time in forever... I haven't done that in years. My make up was crazy vampy as well. I was pretty proud of it though I feel like my hair color clashed? I contoured with a deep rose colored blush and blended like crazy. This look had a lot of glitter and was probably the heavier more painful make up look I went through throughout the weekend. It was worth it though. A lot of people say they like when I do the darker styled gyaru looks. I should invest in more Golds, D.i.a, Tutuha, ect. I feel like these brand suit me the best.

I ended after dying with Tammy to find parking (fml we parked in a shady ass lot) and ended up getting Pizza my Heart. I had a couple combo slices because I was starving. We totally should have ended up having Japanese food because I had pizza later on at night. D: Though I did discover that Pizza my Heart has AMAZING salads. Like no really wtf?

Emma ended up meeting up with us there. For a couple of months I've been helping her coordinate a really unique looking Princess Serenity cosplay from Sailor Moon. She seriously looked flawless. It suited her so well. I absolutely *adore* Sailor Moon so I really loved this cosplay on her alot. Despite her wings attacking me every chance they got.

Eventually we split up around the con. Tammy wanted to see other peoples and Emma went to see the bf. I totally forgot what I ended up doing though I'm pretty sure I ended up alone for a bit and this is when I started getting creeped on in D.i.a. Unfortunately outfits like this create a lot of unwanted attention. I got harassed by a couple of guys multiple times throughout that day to the point of where I wanted to slap someone.

Afterward I did find Tammy again and AHHHH we ran into Sara, Brian, Danielle, and Dan! They found me and I hardly realized who they were-BECAUSE I AM THAT BLIND. Poor Sara was so freaking sick. I felt so bad for her. We ended up trekking to the Marvel gathering where Tammy witnessed how cosplay gatherings worked. Eventually though I was invited to go eat with someone and their brother at quickly so we parted ways. Fooding was really really nice. Thank you so much for treating even though you didn't have to hun. I would have treated if you would have let me. I appreciate it so much and I was really happy to see you and your bro after so long and was glad you met Tammy. You know who you are! :)

Afterward Jett met up with us and went headed over to Tammy's friend's room for more drinks with Vale as well. The room party ended up getting split up by some random lady and Tammy got a bit loopy. So the boys and Tammy ended up heading back for awhile and I ended up roaming the con by myself. I literally huddled up in a corner of the hallway with an outlet and stayed on the phone with a friend for awhile, I also ended up playing TsumTsum for a good hour.

Tammy, Jett, and Vale came back and we ended up eating at Pizza my Heart (again) because it was the only thing open. We ended up turning in afterward because Jett had a huge race the next day and needed to wake up early.

Sunday I wore Lolita Fashion for the first time in forever. I literally hadn't worn it since Halloween. Wearing the white lolita dress I got from Baby (Cherry Parade's white OP more specifically) was the whole reason I had invested in white Jesus Diamante heels. Honestly I felt like this was my weakest look of the weekend. The older I get the less cute I become. RIP Kawaii me... ;_; Gothic Lolita suits me fine but bright colors just make me look out of place. For part of the day I wore a red wig in hops it would look slightly nicer but blah. Honestly it just didn't work out as nicely as I wanted it to.

First adventure of the day was reuniting with my childhood best friend Isabel who had just graduated from college that weekend (congrats bby girl you're gonna be successful as fuck and be a bad bitch) and Emma joined. We had intended going to Amor but it didn't open until one. We ended up settling for Thirst Tea instead for a boba and dessert fixed.

Some drugged up guy was in their at opening hours and was seriously causing trouble. Emma witnessed her first fist fight I think. I was seriously afraid the guy had a gun after a serious physical fight broke out. I felt so bad for the people working there. There were major weirdos causing trouble all weekend long honestly.

After the guy ran off I still wanted to give the poor staff my business and ended up ordering myself a drink and a shaved ice to share with the ladies. Mango snow with jellies, strawberries, ect. This was also Emma's first shaved ice experience.

Afterward we headed to the con to meet up with Sydney and Bella. Isabel I think went off to find people? I forget but I do remember walking around with Sydney and Bella and dealing with a super creeper situation. That took awhile hindering out plans to head back to Amor so Bella and Sydney could get their fix of stuff on it. 

Amor was starting to get packed and I know Isabel rejoined us at that point. We ate really well and then walked back to the hotel room. Isabel parted with us for the day and we went back up to Emma who was up in the hotel. Tammy rejoined us so she could get her hair curled with her new iron (I can't seem to do hair. make up is forever my forte ;_;) and then Jett joined up with us and died after his long ass race. Eventually I ditched my wig and let Emma play stylist with my hair. She did sucha good job. My hair has such an issue with holding curl though. The wind that weekend didn't help with me using my real hair at all. She did such a good job though. It's so hard for me to pull of cute styles but I tried. I WISH I WAS GOOD AT HAIR. Emma is the hair expert out of all of us!!! Teach me your ways!

Afterward we parted ways with the kouhai and went to Iguana's where Jett and Vale took on the Burritozilla. I have no idea how the fuck they managed it. I got to try Horchata for the first time while I watched (thank you brobro). Jett got through it so much easier than the last round. A lot faster for sure. 

Afterward we met up with Sara, Brian, and Dan!! Ahhh! We first went to go get boba and Thirst Tea. It was a debatable trip at first because my legs and feet were seriously giving out already. Jett and Sara ended up taking turns carrying my fat ass. LOL Was a true bro/sis moment for Jett and I. Sara totally wanted to try afterward too. I'm sorry sweeties if I was too heavy and killed you afterward. ;_; I made it part way through the trip there from the Fairmont onward. 

Boba, people making bird noises, running into frineds, and hotdogs later we were back at the convention center. Everyone ended up playing a really amusing 'spell' game with cards and dice. I just spectated but it was really amusing. While that was going on I ran into Jobi and Shana!! I had ran into Shana earlier into the con that weekend but it was so so nice to be reunited with Jobi! She was wearing the most adorable Liz Lisa coordinate!  I love her current style so much. It super suits her! She needs some Swankiss in her life because I could totally see her wearing it. 

After the game I forgot what we ended up doing. I remember saying goodbye to Ken and meeting Leslie's bf. Then I ended up running into the Kouhai (sorry bbies I got super caught up and attention deficit) and Leslie herself. We ended up talking a lot as everyone roamed around. The con was getting super crazy around that point and eventually around 3/4 we all decided to call it a night because we had to check out of our hotel the next day. 

THE NEXT MORNING... I was truly trying to be ambitious as fuck. I was going to gyaru it and be all pretty. Fuck it. I half assed it. I should have brought comfy clothes and just went with it. I attempted to wear Golds Infinity on the last year without circle lenses and lashes. Straight hair too. I felt like I committed a huge sin. Regardless I rocked it throughout the day and supposedly was a Taylor Swift cosplayer. I got hit on a bit too which was a bit uncomfortable. I got that a bit when I was alone and it always throws me off a bit because I'm clearly not interested and people still try. I'm pretty much to myself and very reclusive. I don't like that type of sexual or romantic attention at all. Makes me squeamish especially if I don't know you or if I am by myself. So a lot of the time when I was by myself i would have to move spaces or be where I couldn't be found so I wouldn't be bothered or to where I would feel safe. I'd try calling a friend on my phone so I could look busy so I wouldn't be bothered by people I didn't know or bothered in that way just because I was alone. I don't see why being alone as a woman makes you a target for being hit on or advances... It's really un-nerving actually and I always feel a bit unsafe or like my kindness gets taken advantage of when I honestly want to tell people like this to 'please fuck off.' Is that bad of me? 

So eventually I ended up meet up with friends or lunch and Isabel joined later. I was super sad the Japanese place wasn't open for lunch so we settled for shit Chinese. Which grew to be really terrible. Like so much regret you guys.....wtf? We walked around a bit parted ways with friends and said many goodbyes.

Eventually a huge group of us went to Mitsuwa for dinner only to figure out it was crowded as fuck with lines. I stocked up on a couple things for the summer now knowing when I would be back down in San Jose. We ended up at this food place called Sumiya. I WAS SO GLAD THEY HAD RAMEN. I had chicken and pizza all weekend long so I was super ready for some soup and salad honestly. It was pretty decent. A bit pricey for something that's not their specialty. I need to be balling to go there again so I can try that potato mochi thing. Their salad was super yummy and the chashu in the ramen was super tender.

A Purple Kow adventure occurred afterward where I stocked the fuck up on boba before heading back home to where I had to recover for two or three days. My feet weren't having it at all. Regardless though, this weekend was really fun. It was my first convention and event for a really long time. I haven't had carefree fun like that since SacAnime Summer 2013, I'll be completely honest. For once my con wasn't filled with shoots or just feeling like things were going wrong. While some things did happen it wasn't something that I feel like was one person's weight alone. A lot of people I think attempted to be a support system for one another when things occurred. I'm super proud of people this weekend too on totally other measures. I'm happy my new friends got to meet mt old friends. I'm happy that we all got to see eachother and reunite. 

I don't know what my next event is but hopefully I can see you guys again in the near future!! Thank you *all* so much for a nice fun weekend. I hope everyone enjoyed their time as much as I did. 

G&G/Dueba Super Nudy Pink Circle Lenses: Review

Hello again you guys! I'm on a roll with posts this month considering I did a full on look with some new circle lenses that I got in my Kiwi-Berry order! Today I'll be reviewing the Dueba Super Nudy Pink circle lenses. 

I was SO excited to get a pair of pink lenses. I'm really obsessed with bunnies and bunny-like looks. This was mainly for a lolita coordinate I had planned. I wanted a lense with a 14.5-15.0 diameter and the description of these lenses were just that. 

The Super Nudy Pink lenses are at a 14.5 milimeter diameter range which are perfect for giving you a dolly eyed look. In terms of comfort they're not nearly as comfortable as the preview QT lenses I reviewed but they're not as difficult as my always drying (but worth it) Princess Mimi series. 

However, what I was hoping for was for this contact lense to be super bright and vibrant. I kept seeing stock photos and it looks so 'kira-kira' and so pretty. But all the stock photos I saw were of girls who had brown eyes. This made it especially difficult because I did want a sparkling type of pink look that I've seen even a couple of my own friends pull off. These made it just look like I had pink-flecks in my eyes and not a full out color. Which wasn't exactly what I was aiming for. 

It's not that this circle lense is bad and if I take pictures close up like the one I have above, you kind of can see the color. However I do feel like this isn't the circle lense for someone who wants a color change and a diameter change in their eyes IF you have light colored eyes like myself. It's such a huge challenge finding circle lenses for myself and I had go through a lot of trial and error to find the perfect pair that gives my the best of both worlds like they do for my darker eyed friends.


A lot of people tell me I'm lucky that I have green eyes because the contacts will show up brighter. Yes and no. These lenses for instance are good if you have a dark contrast. Then the pink shows up hella. Same with the Princess Mimis. They work on a darker background. Another thing I struggle with when it comes to circle lenses if not being able to fake a darker larger pupil like someone with brown eyes can. When I wear circle lenses there's a huge keyhole of green space occasionally that makes choosing a circle lense hard because I do have to take all these factors into consideration before making a circle lense choice. You circle lense wearers with darker eyes have it much easier actually! 

As for the look I did with this lense. It wasn't really the type of lense where I could seriously do a bright cutesy look with. They looked darker than I had intended so I went with an all out Sakurai Rina inspired rock gyaru look. It was really simple and a bit rushed because I was racing against the sunlight so I could take pictures in natural light. 

I've really been experimenting and liking the whole 'red' hued make up look. I've seen it around a lot and while this is probably more fall appropriate I think it works for edgy rock looks such as this one. No it's not heavy like Amihamu's staple rock gyaru make up but that's why I went with something SakuRina inspired instead since her make up is just a little lighter in terms of the genre. 

A good portion of the color palette for this look is a sparkling nude base, red on the edge that have been taupered out, and for the crease transition color I used a truffle brown. Highlight wise I used a rose gold highlight with flecks of gold glitter. I used a pink blush on the apples of my cheeks and a gradiented rose colored contour for a slightly darker look. To pull the look in a darker rougher direction I rocked a vamp black to red ombre lip to really have this look scream 'rock gal'. 

I think it suited the lenses nicely. It's a very 'red' look but despite the warmness it's still cool toned in certain senses. It was definitely an experimental look! 

Like the look? Check out the make-up tutorial below to see how I did this look! 

The Newly Revived Koakuma Ageha : Overview

Dolly Wink Lashes: 'Pure Sweet' No 11 Review

Hello you guys! I'm back with another Dolly Wink review. I got these lashes a while back and tried them out a month or so ago! These are the Dolly Wink Number 11 lashes 'Pure Sweet'. These's are a little bit different from the typical Dolly Wink sets I get. They're quite literally from the 'otona' series in the sense that they're really natural and not exactly dramatic at all. I did like how fluttery they were and they came with a free full size glue and that's what really made me cave into getting it. I thought this would be a good lash to go through an experimental phase. With gyaru make up toning down and seeing even Tsubasa Masuwaka herself sport a more natural look, I thought I would try it out for myself to see what the hype was about. 

I did have to layer Dolly Wink number '3' ontop for a bit of length. I was getting volume slightly but not enough length for my liking. Because of that factor, I really tried to do kind of a natural 'Popteen' esque look with these lashes since you can hardly tell that any of the models in that magazine are wearing lashes anymore. As usual, these Dolly Winks have a clear thin band that's perfect for the days where you want to wear thinner eyeliner like I did or no eyeliner at all. 

Because this is Tsubasa endorsed it only felt right to pair the Dolly Wink's with the Princess Mimi circle lenses in sesame grey for a full doe eyed look. Natural make up does work best with this as well. Otherwise your eye make up will be too harsh and you won't be able to see these lashes at all. Stick to light neutral colors to get a full effect!

This what the lashes look like with eyes closed. You can kind of see the 3s on top but they're so thin and sparse and only for added length that you're really seeing the 11s honestly. This personally? These are too natural for me. I really love dramatic eye make up for some reason so it felt a bit weird putting so much effort into my make up or bothering to put on lashes when they hardly show any difference. Because I have such a high set eye crease, these lashes hardly show up. I have really thick lashes in terms of volume as well so if anything these just add to the volume and not really the length for me. 

In terms of comfort, they're typical Dolly Wink quality. I can barely feel them. Application is a bit challenging if you're used to lashes with sturdier harder bands. As always, I recommend only using Dolly Wink glue with these types of lashes because you'll get a lot more wear out of them and they won't pop off as easily based on my previous experiences. 

This is what they look like in a full look. As you can see, it hardly looks like I have falsies in at all right? For gyaru fashion these might not be ideal, however if you're into lolita fashion I think these are perfect. They do give a boost to your eye lashes and would frame your make up nicely. If  you don't have deep set eyes or a higher eye crease I'm sure there would be a bit more length in these for you too! In all these are probably going to be used for lolita fashion or everyday looks for me. 

How Make-Up and Clothes Can Make the Biggest Difference In Someone's Life-Growing Into Yourself Despite Adversity Inner and Outer

I decided to do a bit of a personal blog. One I've kind of touched base on before with gyaru but not as something as a whole before. This is going to be heart to heart. Mainly because I've realized especially as of late, there is so much pressure among girls to fit a certain criteria. Especially in the J-Fashion and Cosplay community. I have a lot of younger girls, high school age and girls just starting out in college who lurk on my instagram or friends who tell me that I've inspired them to be beautiful. 

That is such a bizarre thing to hear because, once upon a time I was that person. Hell, I still am that person. I take inspiration from you guys because you're the driving force behind me not just up and quitting what I do. As some of you know, it's been a difficult year and a half for me. A lot of things have happened to really break me and really beat down any self worth or confidence I've had about myself. I've never felt so exiled and alone before... Your guy's encouragement even from far away and the love for this blog...the fashion I do...that's what's been pushing me through. If it weren't for that I would have placed every brand item I've owned on a sales album and simply would tell you guys, "I quit." 

However, that isn't the case. Mainly because, this is the one thing that makes me happy, Beforehand I had many many things that made me happy. They were a huge part of life and a big driving force. Other people and things motivated me because I have never been able to motivate myself. Why you ask? I am incredibly prone to failure. On the internet I am able to show some of you guys who aren't as close to me, the best version of myself. Realistically, I am clumsy, a cry baby, I recently realized that I suffer from anxiety and a severe form of it, I'm incredibly forgetful. Absolutely *nothing* comes to me first try or even second. Everything is always complicated with me because some how I am prone to having bad luck. And instead of fighting like I have tried to all my life, I have grown recently to just accept these flaws for personality traits or bits of it being a part of who I am. I can't keep anyone in my life for too long. However, I have kept Japanese pop culture and fashion culture in life for as long as I can remember. Honestly, I don't remember a life without it. 

When I was younger I was the girl who wasn't allowed to grow up too soon like her peers. I knew thirteen year old's who's right of passage was getting her belly button pierced. I knew girls who were allowed to wear make up and nail polish at seven. I was stuck with Lipsmackers lipgloss. A lot teachers even insisted I was 'immature'. And at the time my mother insisted that I was acting as a seven year old or an elementary school child should. 

That did not make it any less harder for me however. The thing about being young is that you care what other think about you and since I couldn't fit in, I wanted to disappear and not be noticed at all. This went in straight into high school. I wasn't one for make up until I got into high school honestly. Beforehand I had always hid behind books and manga. I'd always bring them to lunch either to have something to look at if I was alone or for it to be a conversation starter among a couple of people maybe. I was lucky enough to have one or two friends to trade off mangas with in junior high school especially. I probably had suffered from anxiety even then and it was definitely social anxiety. My books or writing was my barrier. When I wasn't at school hiding behind a book, I was on the internet making friends behind a computer screen. While I wasn't a well-spoken individual or considered a good writer, I made a lot of friends on the internet who had a lot of things in common with me. This was before webcams or before a lot of people had webcams, so nobody could judge me for what I looked like or for my awkwardness. 

Because of this, I tended to not really care what I looked like. Occasionally I would try to dress nice. Especially my first year of high school. For some reason I wanted to feel grown up even though I wasn't. Much like the girls who come to me now and say, 'you're so pretty'...I felt that way about a good portion of people. I was spazzy and awkward honestly. I loved my hobbies but I did care what others thought of me and I held back a great deal on how I wanted to dress or wanted to wear. I didn't get as much experimenting in as I would have wished to. HENCE some really awkward high school pictures.

For a good four of my life, I tried to blend in. I dyed my hair black in hopes I wouldn't be questioned for why I was 'white' and my dad who was actually my stepdad was 'Vietnamese'. No I wasn't raised fully with traditional customs. I was from Tennessee and moving to California was like moving to a different country. However, I did want to blend in and be accepted for a couple of different reasons that I won't disclose on this blog. I never understood and took offense to the terms 'white washed' or 'white people' because I just considered those actions that people considered 'white' as "growing up in the United States/North America". It made me wonder what 'white washed' would have been considered in Europe. Because of this yet again, I didn't too much confidence because I wanted to blend in. Standing out might have been a bad thing and nobody likes a show off right? 

I think I got my first MAC eye shadow in sophmore year. I had tried a girl's single shadow in freshman year. It was a rich gold color and I had fallen in love. So in love that the next school year I was pretty determined to get a set of my own. I ended up with three single shadows at 16 years old. For me? It kind of a 'right of passage' moment and it's funny that something as simple as eyeshadow suddenly made me feel beautiful or pretty. Even if it was just temporary. Eventually as time went on, I got my first MAC lipstick and an eyeliner. I started getting into make up quite heavily by junior and senior year. That didn't mean I applied it well however. 

For awhile, I was in visual kei. It never meant I *was* visual kei but I wanted to be. I looked up to Uruha for the Gazette. He had pretty hair and eyes and I didn't want to be with him, hell I wanted to look *like* him. For awhile, I went through a "boy-stage". I didn't want to be girly at all. Jeans and t-shirts were fine, my hair was always almost layered and cut off short, and make up was used to accentuate my eye shape.It was actually really horrible. I had no skill.  I remember my first day of college at San Francisco slowly lacking a care for what other people thought of me. It was a slow process. I had finally (and horribly at done so) stripped the black out of my hair by them and was just getting into Japanese fashion as of a year ago by then. My first day of class I rocked a Miyavi tour tank top, BPN accessories, and a BPN throw over jacket that I *still* have a wear to this day. I probably looked intimidating as fuck with awkward raccoon eyes. 

The year before in high school, I kind of was starting to grow into myself just as much as any of you guys were. I lived a bit of a double life. I still do. I was getting just slightly girlier by getting into lolita fashion. I bought my first lolita pieces from Black Peace Now before that brand died off. Eventually I gave away the skirt to an old high school friend because as special as the skirt was to me, I wanted someone else to experience what I experienced first wearing a piece of clothing from the fashion I had liked and they had liked too. It made me feel beautiful and powerful as stand-out as it was and bold as it was. 

The lines between dressing 'boyish' and 'feminine' were a bit blurred for me for awhile. I wasn't sure if it was my sexuality or just the fact that I liked being an chameleon but I had a love for all fashion and there's this odd stigma that you have to choose one and one genre only. 

Eventually as I grew older, I saw this as bullshit. I dressed how I wanted and grew to appreciate being sexy or girly. I had no high school dress code in place to tell me what was appropriate. I was an adult as bought clothes with my own money so my parents couldn't exactly dictate it even though they were convinced I wasn't being who I really was. But in all honestly, this had been who I was for the longest time. Just reclusive by expectations and the need to not stand out. Mainly due to wanting to be accepted by others and my anxiety. If I stood out I would get unwanted attention and I wasn't sure if I was up for that challenge. 

At first, the unwanted attention was hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been unwantedly 'cat called'/'hit on' or insulted for the way I dress. For awhile, I feared for my safety. Especially in lolita fashion because people fear what they don't understand. I remember one time I was at the train station waiting for a ride and while I looked pretty normal, maybe I stood out, I had a Baby the Stars Shine Bright petticoat in a really cute shopping bag from the store in San Francisco. It was evening time and I was mugged. I'm not sure if it's because I was in the wrong area for who I was or it was because I stood out for the way I dressed but I was the first to get hit. By grown men. Blood was all over my Baby bag and there still to this day is blood spots that I still can't get out of the sides of my furry BPN bear bag. If anything the chain on that bag saved me because it was sturdy and for some god unknown reason, I was able to get away in once piece. I've been cautious going out by myself dressed in anything or carrying anything 'lolita' or brand related on public transit ever since. 

The week after was Cherry Blossom Festival and I cosplayed as Sheryl Nome from Macross Frontier. I loved Sheryl so much as a character and as scared as I was to go back on that train with a full face of make up and in cosplay (I had done the best make up I had ever done at 18 in my opinion) I did. I sang my heart out awkwardly overcoming the fear of being beaten down again and letting my anxiety kick me again because yes, I was singing in front of a huge crowd of people. That was a bit scary. The more I cosplayed the more I got bullied for it. But the more I wanted to improve.... I at one point was over weight. I was called things like 'the-fat Sheryl' or whatever due my really bad skin... 

For awhile, I was afraid of the world in general. Especially men, admittedly because I was assaulted by men. I was hit on and cat called by men. I was afraid to be active on the internet because I was bullied a bit to where it was overkill. Just over my weight. I wondered to the point of where I wondered if being feminine and this fashion lifestyle that I loved was worth all of this. I loved Japanese fashion and cosplay so much. And I appreciated a girl. I appreciated and had slowly grown to accept that I was born as who I was. Nobody should have even beaten me down or rejected me for that. Anxiety or no anxiety. Weird clothes or not. 

Eventually, I discovered gyau fashion and it just stuck in the midst of my own self discovery and journey I went through for a year. I've told this bit of the story before how I found it in high school and kind of wanted to be that but held back. It made me feel powerful and sexy even though I really wasn't that on the inside. Without the clothes and make up, who was I? I still question myself on this. But temporarily I felt beautiful and I felt worth something. Until recently admittedly. I know that I am a decent person but the anxiety has came back and perhaps, I am not enough.

But what pushes me is the fact that I've went through so much self discovery and I've literally fought and endured to become what I am now. No, I don't fit the mold that's been created. I'm not 'kawaii' and tiny and soft spoken. I'm not 'sexy' or voluptuous and always up for anything. I'm quite a boring person despite the way I dress. I'd like to consider myself the in between.   I'm not cute but I'm not sexy. I am me. And I've grown to accept this person and I'd like to hope others are capable of accepting me as well. 

Make up has been my answer for the longest time. It helped me improve my cosplay before I retired from that scene. My last go at cosplay I conquered Sheryl and placed in a CosMode (which was pretty cool btw) and did Blue Rose (which was really out there for someone like me). Make up helped me discover gyaru and improve on my lolita. I helped me realize that if I ever wanted to delve back into visual kei-esque fashion I could with a new set of skills. Owning brand has made me feel pretty. I have a new appreciation for details and clothes construction. It gave me a bit of confidence I never had before because it stood out. I started to realize that being different wasn't such a bad thing.

But the point to this whole ordeal I've written is, we've all been there. We all start somewhere. I'm sure at one point all of us have wanted to belong and then discovered it was okay not to. You guys push me so much not to give up on something that I have loved for such a long time. It reminds me that at one point, I fought to accept who I was with all of the mistakes but also accept that I will never be some beauty queen. I will never be model material or desirable in the way that's seen as desired. It's frustrating at times but make up and clothes have helped me kind of cope with that. It's been my mask even though it has been me. I want to inspire other people to go beyond me. There are so many young girls (you know who you are and you know I'm talking about you) that are capable of so much. I wish that at their age I had been as comfortable and as progressive as they are. They make me feel like I have to be a good example despite my mistake and the pressure has definitely been on. 

It's okay to be who you are. It's okay to be boyish or girlish, or whoever the fuck you want to be. Don't let society dictate who you are and who you are not. We are our own worst enemies and that's a battle we have and should only have with ourselves. If you don't feel pretty then don't let someone force you into saying that you are. Go on that journey to improve yourself even if you don't reach your ideal self. However, do know the difference between improvement and self harm. I don't want to be known as the person who encouraged some crazy stuff so I'll put that out there. There is nothing wrong with being the best version of yourself and there's nothing wrong with being in the process of discovering that. It took me a long time and I feel like a better person because of it. All my clothes have memories and I can't just up and leave that or push that away. This fashion and life style is a huge part of me just like any hobby would be to anyone else. 

I haven't conquered my anxiety but I have learned to cope. I have learnt that clothes and make up aid me at least socially. I'm not as afraid to say hello or show my face when I am the best version of myself I can be. So don't let anyone tell you that this is fake. It is you, it's maybe just a way of giving you strength like it did me. I'm so grateful that I found the hobbies I found and met the people I have met. If it weren't for that I might be reclusive completely and would have missed out on a lot.... #weallstartsomewhere