That is such a bizarre thing to hear because, once upon a time I was that person. Hell, I still am that person. I take inspiration from you guys because you're the driving force behind me not just up and quitting what I do. As some of you know, it's been a difficult year and a half for me. A lot of things have happened to really break me and really beat down any self worth or confidence I've had about myself. I've never felt so exiled and alone before... Your guy's encouragement even from far away and the love for this blog...the fashion I do...that's what's been pushing me through. If it weren't for that I would have placed every brand item I've owned on a sales album and simply would tell you guys, "I quit."
However, that isn't the case. Mainly because, this is the one thing that makes me happy, Beforehand I had many many things that made me happy. They were a huge part of life and a big driving force. Other people and things motivated me because I have never been able to motivate myself. Why you ask? I am incredibly prone to failure. On the internet I am able to show some of you guys who aren't as close to me, the best version of myself. Realistically, I am clumsy, a cry baby, I recently realized that I suffer from anxiety and a severe form of it, I'm incredibly forgetful. Absolutely *nothing* comes to me first try or even second. Everything is always complicated with me because some how I am prone to having bad luck. And instead of fighting like I have tried to all my life, I have grown recently to just accept these flaws for personality traits or bits of it being a part of who I am. I can't keep anyone in my life for too long. However, I have kept Japanese pop culture and fashion culture in life for as long as I can remember. Honestly, I don't remember a life without it.
When I was younger I was the girl who wasn't allowed to grow up too soon like her peers. I knew thirteen year old's who's right of passage was getting her belly button pierced. I knew girls who were allowed to wear make up and nail polish at seven. I was stuck with Lipsmackers lipgloss. A lot teachers even insisted I was 'immature'. And at the time my mother insisted that I was acting as a seven year old or an elementary school child should.
That did not make it any less harder for me however. The thing about being young is that you care what other think about you and since I couldn't fit in, I wanted to disappear and not be noticed at all. This went in straight into high school. I wasn't one for make up until I got into high school honestly. Beforehand I had always hid behind books and manga. I'd always bring them to lunch either to have something to look at if I was alone or for it to be a conversation starter among a couple of people maybe. I was lucky enough to have one or two friends to trade off mangas with in junior high school especially. I probably had suffered from anxiety even then and it was definitely social anxiety. My books or writing was my barrier. When I wasn't at school hiding behind a book, I was on the internet making friends behind a computer screen. While I wasn't a well-spoken individual or considered a good writer, I made a lot of friends on the internet who had a lot of things in common with me. This was before webcams or before a lot of people had webcams, so nobody could judge me for what I looked like or for my awkwardness.
Because of this, I tended to not really care what I looked like. Occasionally I would try to dress nice. Especially my first year of high school. For some reason I wanted to feel grown up even though I wasn't. Much like the girls who come to me now and say, 'you're so pretty'...I felt that way about a good portion of people. I was spazzy and awkward honestly. I loved my hobbies but I did care what others thought of me and I held back a great deal on how I wanted to dress or wanted to wear. I didn't get as much experimenting in as I would have wished to. HENCE some really awkward high school pictures.
For a good four of my life, I tried to blend in. I dyed my hair black in hopes I wouldn't be questioned for why I was 'white' and my dad who was actually my stepdad was 'Vietnamese'. No I wasn't raised fully with traditional customs. I was from Tennessee and moving to California was like moving to a different country. However, I did want to blend in and be accepted for a couple of different reasons that I won't disclose on this blog. I never understood and took offense to the terms 'white washed' or 'white people' because I just considered those actions that people considered 'white' as "growing up in the United States/North America". It made me wonder what 'white washed' would have been considered in Europe. Because of this yet again, I didn't too much confidence because I wanted to blend in. Standing out might have been a bad thing and nobody likes a show off right?
I think I got my first MAC eye shadow in sophmore year. I had tried a girl's single shadow in freshman year. It was a rich gold color and I had fallen in love. So in love that the next school year I was pretty determined to get a set of my own. I ended up with three single shadows at 16 years old. For me? It kind of a 'right of passage' moment and it's funny that something as simple as eyeshadow suddenly made me feel beautiful or pretty. Even if it was just temporary. Eventually as time went on, I got my first MAC lipstick and an eyeliner. I started getting into make up quite heavily by junior and senior year. That didn't mean I applied it well however.
For awhile, I was in visual kei. It never meant I *was* visual kei but I wanted to be. I looked up to Uruha for the Gazette. He had pretty hair and eyes and I didn't want to be with him, hell I wanted to look *like* him. For awhile, I went through a "boy-stage". I didn't want to be girly at all. Jeans and t-shirts were fine, my hair was always almost layered and cut off short, and make up was used to accentuate my eye shape.It was actually really horrible. I had no skill. I remember my first day of college at San Francisco slowly lacking a care for what other people thought of me. It was a slow process. I had finally (and horribly at done so) stripped the black out of my hair by them and was just getting into Japanese fashion as of a year ago by then. My first day of class I rocked a Miyavi tour tank top, BPN accessories, and a BPN throw over jacket that I *still* have a wear to this day. I probably looked intimidating as fuck with awkward raccoon eyes.
The year before in high school, I kind of was starting to grow into myself just as much as any of you guys were. I lived a bit of a double life. I still do. I was getting just slightly girlier by getting into lolita fashion. I bought my first lolita pieces from Black Peace Now before that brand died off. Eventually I gave away the skirt to an old high school friend because as special as the skirt was to me, I wanted someone else to experience what I experienced first wearing a piece of clothing from the fashion I had liked and they had liked too. It made me feel beautiful and powerful as stand-out as it was and bold as it was.
The lines between dressing 'boyish' and 'feminine' were a bit blurred for me for awhile. I wasn't sure if it was my sexuality or just the fact that I liked being an chameleon but I had a love for all fashion and there's this odd stigma that you have to choose one and one genre only.
Eventually as I grew older, I saw this as bullshit. I dressed how I wanted and grew to appreciate being sexy or girly. I had no high school dress code in place to tell me what was appropriate. I was an adult as bought clothes with my own money so my parents couldn't exactly dictate it even though they were convinced I wasn't being who I really was. But in all honestly, this had been who I was for the longest time. Just reclusive by expectations and the need to not stand out. Mainly due to wanting to be accepted by others and my anxiety. If I stood out I would get unwanted attention and I wasn't sure if I was up for that challenge.
At first, the unwanted attention was hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been unwantedly 'cat called'/'hit on' or insulted for the way I dress. For awhile, I feared for my safety. Especially in lolita fashion because people fear what they don't understand. I remember one time I was at the train station waiting for a ride and while I looked pretty normal, maybe I stood out, I had a Baby the Stars Shine Bright petticoat in a really cute shopping bag from the store in San Francisco. It was evening time and I was mugged. I'm not sure if it's because I was in the wrong area for who I was or it was because I stood out for the way I dressed but I was the first to get hit. By grown men. Blood was all over my Baby bag and there still to this day is blood spots that I still can't get out of the sides of my furry BPN bear bag. If anything the chain on that bag saved me because it was sturdy and for some god unknown reason, I was able to get away in once piece. I've been cautious going out by myself dressed in anything or carrying anything 'lolita' or brand related on public transit ever since.
The week after was Cherry Blossom Festival and I cosplayed as Sheryl Nome from Macross Frontier. I loved Sheryl so much as a character and as scared as I was to go back on that train with a full face of make up and in cosplay (I had done the best make up I had ever done at 18 in my opinion) I did. I sang my heart out awkwardly overcoming the fear of being beaten down again and letting my anxiety kick me again because yes, I was singing in front of a huge crowd of people. That was a bit scary. The more I cosplayed the more I got bullied for it. But the more I wanted to improve.... I at one point was over weight. I was called things like 'the-fat Sheryl' or whatever due my really bad skin...
For awhile, I was afraid of the world in general. Especially men, admittedly because I was assaulted by men. I was hit on and cat called by men. I was afraid to be active on the internet because I was bullied a bit to where it was overkill. Just over my weight. I wondered to the point of where I wondered if being feminine and this fashion lifestyle that I loved was worth all of this. I loved Japanese fashion and cosplay so much. And I appreciated a girl. I appreciated and had slowly grown to accept that I was born as who I was. Nobody should have even beaten me down or rejected me for that. Anxiety or no anxiety. Weird clothes or not.
Eventually, I discovered gyau fashion and it just stuck in the midst of my own self discovery and journey I went through for a year. I've told this bit of the story before how I found it in high school and kind of wanted to be that but held back. It made me feel powerful and sexy even though I really wasn't that on the inside. Without the clothes and make up, who was I? I still question myself on this. But temporarily I felt beautiful and I felt worth something. Until recently admittedly. I know that I am a decent person but the anxiety has came back and perhaps, I am not enough.
But what pushes me is the fact that I've went through so much self discovery and I've literally fought and endured to become what I am now. No, I don't fit the mold that's been created. I'm not 'kawaii' and tiny and soft spoken. I'm not 'sexy' or voluptuous and always up for anything. I'm quite a boring person despite the way I dress. I'd like to consider myself the in between. I'm not cute but I'm not sexy. I am me. And I've grown to accept this person and I'd like to hope others are capable of accepting me as well.
Make up has been my answer for the longest time. It helped me improve my cosplay before I retired from that scene. My last go at cosplay I conquered Sheryl and placed in a CosMode (which was pretty cool btw) and did Blue Rose (which was really out there for someone like me). Make up helped me discover gyaru and improve on my lolita. I helped me realize that if I ever wanted to delve back into visual kei-esque fashion I could with a new set of skills. Owning brand has made me feel pretty. I have a new appreciation for details and clothes construction. It gave me a bit of confidence I never had before because it stood out. I started to realize that being different wasn't such a bad thing.
But the point to this whole ordeal I've written is, we've all been there. We all start somewhere. I'm sure at one point all of us have wanted to belong and then discovered it was okay not to. You guys push me so much not to give up on something that I have loved for such a long time. It reminds me that at one point, I fought to accept who I was with all of the mistakes but also accept that I will never be some beauty queen. I will never be model material or desirable in the way that's seen as desired. It's frustrating at times but make up and clothes have helped me kind of cope with that. It's been my mask even though it has been me. I want to inspire other people to go beyond me. There are so many young girls (you know who you are and you know I'm talking about you) that are capable of so much. I wish that at their age I had been as comfortable and as progressive as they are. They make me feel like I have to be a good example despite my mistake and the pressure has definitely been on.
It's okay to be who you are. It's okay to be boyish or girlish, or whoever the fuck you want to be. Don't let society dictate who you are and who you are not. We are our own worst enemies and that's a battle we have and should only have with ourselves. If you don't feel pretty then don't let someone force you into saying that you are. Go on that journey to improve yourself even if you don't reach your ideal self. However, do know the difference between improvement and self harm. I don't want to be known as the person who encouraged some crazy stuff so I'll put that out there. There is nothing wrong with being the best version of yourself and there's nothing wrong with being in the process of discovering that. It took me a long time and I feel like a better person because of it. All my clothes have memories and I can't just up and leave that or push that away. This fashion and life style is a huge part of me just like any hobby would be to anyone else.
I haven't conquered my anxiety but I have learned to cope. I have learnt that clothes and make up aid me at least socially. I'm not as afraid to say hello or show my face when I am the best version of myself I can be. So don't let anyone tell you that this is fake. It is you, it's maybe just a way of giving you strength like it did me. I'm so grateful that I found the hobbies I found and met the people I have met. If it weren't for that I might be reclusive completely and would have missed out on a lot.... #weallstartsomewhere
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