I Created a Monster: The Truth

 I never thought that I would be actually writing about this. In detail. But here I am writing this because eventually, I felt like that not only did I owe others the truth but I also owed myself the truth. I need to free myself from the burden of just...carrying this. 

After much encouragement from a variety of different people since the beginning of this whole mess- I finally decided enough was enough and it was time for me to finally speak on the mess that I felt like I created. Enough people have wondered why I am still making gyaru content but left Papillon and the community. Others had been suspicious from the start and have been adamant about me telling my story. The truth. Unfiltered. I thought about making a video for this but I feel like I'd be refilling a million times to check my words and at least here I can kind of be mindful of how I say things. 

First and foremost though, I feel l like I owe everyone an apology for letting you all down. Papillon was supposed to be fun. Trust me, I had good intentions. It was supposed to be inclusive and not hurt other people. I felt like I created a monster. I've been told people have gotten hurt and that there were even lies told about me and my characters. Which is why I'm doing this to start with. 

I also want to throw in a disclaimer that not everyone who worked on this project is problematic. There are some people who are a part of this who are great people and I loved working with them. There probably why I kind of just...left and let others keep it. It was for them. They were nothing but kind to me and others. That was the energy I wanted all the way through. There are only certain people who are bad apples in this bunch. I'm going to refrain from saying names but I will talk about everything else to where think you all will understand why I just up and left. 

Papillon was a brainchild of mine for years. As an English major, I've always wanted to write for fashion magazines. However, my forte is in Japanese street fashion and there really isn't a market for that type of thing out in the US. I feel like in Japan, as a foreigner there would also be no sort of room for me to work in that industry unless my Japanese was superb. So, I kept the idea in the back of my head and once Koakuma Ageha had died for the second time, I entertained the idea of "Papillon" finally coming to life. 

I want to first give some perspective on my intentions because I know a lot of people are unhappy with certain things. First off, it was meant to be a summer project. I thought that it was something I could work on between my breaks from school since I am a full-time student. The fact that the magazine had gotten pushed back to October was really difficult for me. Not only was this my first time *really* getting to interact and involve myself with the gyaru community but this was the first huge project that has ever been reliant on other people other than myself. At first, I thought this was a good thing. I think I even mentioned it in the magazine how I thought it was good that I wasn't super involved in the community because I had an outside perspective. 

I'm very used to doing photography work and content creation. When I first met one of my members from my ex-gyaru circle, I took pictures that a good portion of the community loved. That is also why I thought I should act on my dream. What I had done in the past was very well received. 

However, I felt like others weren't as keen on the idea and I was so worried about it looking like I was talking out of my ass about a magazine that might not ever happen. We know how the community is. And that was my biggest fear was promising you all something that never happened. It was why I was such a bitch about deadlines. I wanted people to have faith in this. 

It felt like a lot of people put off deadlines and slowly I was getting worried. I was about to move cities in August and I had been working non-stop on things without much of a break. I'd work on school work all day and Papillon during dinners-replying to messages and trying to get things in order. I was also worried about my photo editors at the time because that's a lot on them. It's a lot of hard work and there were definitely mistakes made. It was hard communicating at times and I grew busier the crazier that got. Some people really miscommunicated with me or were outright not good on their word. When I would ask for something sometimes I would even be neglected in terms of response. However, when someone of better social standing would ask they'd be replied to right away. That irritated me. 

Anyway, I know for a fact, the cover was supposed to include all of you who attended Jubilee with me understanding that you all had a photographer. This was supposed to be way more inclusive because all of you were in one place all at the same time and that's an amazing feat as an international community. I grew frustrated that things like that suddenly were out of my control. So when I hear, "this isn't inclusive"-it's frustrating because the cover was supposed to have more of you. 

I also want to verify that I had no say over the modeling process in full. I had left that up to two other people because I was worried about people feeling like I had too much control. I tried to keep the substyles kind of even knowing that while there was an old school boom, I didn't want it to be a ripoff of Egg. I wanted to be inclusive about other substyles. So, I picked two people to do sweet and hard styles. That was their pick. Not mine.

Also, yes people are selective. I get it. We wanted people consistent with their style and who had established it strongly. Not everyone has that but that doesn't mean they wouldn't become stronger in the future. That's just the truth. 

The only thing I had say in was Baby Gals. I had chosen those girls myself. I also need to clear up this misconception on "Baby Gals". It was never supposed to be a label. It was a section for a magazine and the fact that it became terminology for a new gyaru in the community shocked me. In a certain sense, it's cool that it was catchy enough to be caught on as lingo. But I can also see how it could be taken as a derogative term and that worries me. The gyaru I picked for this section were super well versed actually. It wasn't me labeling them. It was a selection I made based on how attainable their look was. I know some of you personally learn how to do gyaru from building up and going down. But some people like myself learn the other way, and it's much easier to understand gyaru if you're able to break down someone's outfit and it not be a million things. These were gals whom I felt were relatable regardless of how long they had been around. 

I felt like nobody took Papillon seriously until a Japanese "gyaru-circle" got involved. Domain named were invested in and I got a little nervous. We were involving money and I didn't want this to be blamed on me if something went down. 

...I felt like this whole ordeal was bigger than me. People had gotten bigger than me on this idea to the point where I was slightly uncomfortable. This was supposed to be way simpler. I was thrilled certain things were involved but...I was nervous. Suddenly people were acting like we were so big and we had barely even debuted the first issue. I felt like we would be looked at the wrong way for not being humble. I wanted to eventually do some of the things that we had done...but not so fast. I wanted us to be around awhile and establish ourselves before taking on that type of venture. 

I expressed my anxiety over this on a private post on my Instagram suddenly feeling pretty isolated. I did feel like people were doing this for the wrong reason. People were talking about sponsorships as if we had already established ourselves and that *is* a form of payment. That is like money. 

Someone I trusted then went to express this to others who then ganged up on me on a chat and told me to step down from the magazine. They said I wasn't a good fit (how can I not be a good fit for the thing I came up with? lol). Between that them wanting to release another magazine during my midterms and this current energy...I knew I had to leave. This wasn't working for me and I felt like it had became way bigger and hardcore than I ever anticipated. All I ever got irritated with was people meeting deadlines and keeping to things that they said they'd do. That type of shit did stress me the fuck out. 

Before all of this, once certain things were announced everyone wanted to be a part of it, and I wondered where the hell that energy was back in June. However, now everyone was in full force wanting to do things or be apart of it. People suddenly cared....

Please understand when you message me or follow me only to be 'friends' with me because I'm the head of a magazine that it is rude. If you usually have nothing to do with me and suddenly I'm a beneficial friend to you-it's rude as fuck. I'm sorry but it irritated me. 

This also went on in my personal life. Sometimes I just wanted to hang out with people. Yet every discussion was about when people were getting their pictures back and the magazine. Or where people could find clothes. People sometimes only message me for those things and nothing else. It felt dehumanizing. I felt like I was a resource more than I ever was a friend or someone who genuinely liked me as a person. I'm a human being. Not gyaru google or a friend to build clout off of. 

This was the biggest struggle I went through during Papillon and it even made me kill off my gyaru-circle. I was hurt. I felt like I was only valued for what I could give you all and for not much else. I felt like me and no one vibed just to vibe. I felt like nobody genuinely liked the things I liked and if there wasn't a number or attention attached-would you still even do it? If you didn't have the validation of a follower count and community, would you still even do gyaru? 

One thing I will always defend myself on is the fact that I have been gyaru for ten years. I didn't involve myself with the community but that didn't make me new to it. And if that's how you treat new people regardless-wtf? I get being wary about people treating this like a cosplay but it's another thing to treat someone like they're whatever just because they're not as well known. Especially when they genuinely like this shit and show that.

I had just decided things were safer by 2016ish only to realize when I got active that the community was still the same. It was still shitty. Just silently shitty and anyone's genuine concerns were immediately hushed up so it would seem like there weren't issues that there actually were present. If someone was more "influential" than you, suddenly you were told to shut up when someone was super out of line and that almost drove me away from the community to start with during this magazine process. I refused to be gaslit over something that was a genuine mistake. Something I apologized about repeatedly. When someone told me they'd kick my face in with a boot. That's never okay. 

To enable and insist to this person to then be a part of the thing they called a "charity" project during and after my departure also rubbed me the wrong way because it proved to me that a number mattered more than someone's moral and the truth. Not going to lie-that shit almost made me leave and also confused me after I left. Why suddenly the change of heart when you made it clear you didn't like this person? Why did this other person get involved after looking down on it? That's just hella suspicious. 

That gets me to another thing. There are definitely some people I was frustrated with during this process with the magazine among other things with just...people asking me for advice only to ignore it because I'm not as well known or whatever (why ask me then?). However, a lot of other people talked a lot of shit about some other people who they are now, best friends with. At least I left and was honest. I left because I didn't vibe with some of you or I felt like you were doing this fashion for the wrong reasons. These are people who have said so much shit about you to me behind your back and suddenly now that you have something they want-they're using you for that and acting like your best friend. 

Which now gets me to why I'm even writing this post to start with. My name has apparently been slandered by some lying people and thankfully I've had proof to show otherwise. I have never once said I hated anyone (unless you've actually been nasty to me-then yeah I probably am not fond of you, but like...I have proof for those reasons too-it doesn't come out of nowhere/made up) and the fact you couldn't give someone a legitimate reason even shows you're talking out of your ass. 

This is sad as fuck because I've kept silent this entire time about my experiences with people. I left Papillon because there are people who aren't terrible in this community and I didn't want to spite them. However, now I see how certain people are being treated and how I'm being portrayed even now that I left. I thought my leaving would leave stuff peaceful because everyone basically got what they wanted. I didn't care if that made me the bad guy for being honest. 

However, what I won't tolerate is being accused of shit I didn't do or say. Get all the way fucked. Some ya'll act hella nice in front of someone's face until it doesn't suit you anymore. Some of you treat others like gyaru google and nothing more. Some of ya'll ended up getting a huge fucking head over a minor success. And this shit is why I left. 

Another thing I want to express that I think is important. I've had no involvement since volume one. I left wanting some space and people kind of played this victim like I beat them or something. I needed space. I mentioned in my previous post how I was going through a lot. My dog died. I kept getting sick. I was getting bullied by my roommate for doing gyaru/being different to the point where it almost got physical. I was not in a good fucking place and needed to be left alone for a bit.  I also needed to focus on my school work among all of this mess. That doesn't make you a victim just because I am avoiding talking to you so I don't fly off and say the wrong shit. 

And then to e-mail me insisting I should come back to announce that I left? No "hi, how are you holding up? " Instead I got, "We just need the Instagram because it has a large follower account." 

I was livid. These people did not care about me as a human being. Or even as a friend to just let me have my space or honestly let me come back around if I chose to. 

They wanted their clout and trust me, I was tempted to tell them to go build up whatever on your own because I did that, not you. That's certainly not the only time I've been not credited. There are full articles in that magazine that I proofread and almost re-wrote without any sort of credit. There's this misconception that a certain person isn't the one with the Instagram but me. 

No. They've had the Instagram since November. I haven't had anything to do with any of it since then and after I was told of something happening a bit back-I was worried that I would be associated with that Instagram when something like that would have never happened on my watch (trust me, I would have bothered you about it before release and threw the info in a word doc). 

They reply to their own posts to make it seem like someone else and if that isn't a little suspicious/deceptive marketing to you all, I don't know what is. It's definitely something I wasn't and am not comfortable with. 

I've heard these people have an anti-bullying bullying group which makes no sense. Ignore those people rather than giving them the time of day. What a waste of time. Some of you just go around trying to educate people about a subject that I honestly feel like they're not genuinely into otherwise they wouldn't need to scream to the world that they're gyaru every minute. You should know if you are. You should also cite your sources before you fly off on certain subjects but that's a totally different discussion than this one. 

 A lot of the shopping information you all are getting(that people are getting credited for as being so brilliant)  is coming originally from me because I told them how to do things and where to find stuff. I didn't have anyone show me. I figured it out on my own so I have no one to credit for that. At the time I thought it would be good to have gal friends. But then I realized this wasn't a sisterhood like I thought it would be. I felt like I was only good for finding things and for the magazine. 

This is my truth. Others may have theirs but this is mine. I left because I wasn't happy anymore and it made me almost stop doing gyaru because suddenly I had awful memories associated with it. It took me most of co-vid to realize that I could go back to my roots. 

For the first six years of me doing gyaru, I didn't have a community or anything else. Why did I need one to validate my existence now? It felt freer without one anyway. Yes, it's lonely not being able to gush about certain things but I got hesitant because it was me showing things without anyone reciprocating the info and showing me the things that they found. I realized that my friendships weren't reciprocated. Like I said mentioned, a lot of things I picked up on, I learned on my own. So I think my want from friends came from wanting to talk about the same things/have similar interests to kind of fawn over. It's different when it goes both ways you know?

With that being said, I'm quite happy now staying to myself. I'm kind of nervous involving myself given everything that's gone on. I had decided that if people truly liked me that they would seek me out rather than me find them. I feel like I'm always the bridge connecting people and I'm kind of tired of that if that makes any sense...

To end this off, as much as I don't want to spite the great people who do exist in this community; similarly to how some of ya'll can't handle the GGAs, ya'll can't handle a magazine without it going to your head or turning into a really intense competition. I understand questioning things. I even do occasionally. I understand being happy and wanting to share your accomplishments. But this is a whole different level of shit and I feel like it's a shame that something good can create something so bad... That absolutely never was my intention. 

It is people's choice whether or not they want to still be involved/or are involved in Papillon. I don't make that call. That weight of responsibility lays within other people's hands. I just wanted to tell my truth about the situation finally and lift this weight off of my chest. 

Anyway, if you've gotten this far, thank you for reading/listening. Like I said, this was at the insistence of some people who really thought I should tell my truth. I'm very anxious about posting this but I know it needed to be done.