To start with maybe the more positive things before we delve into chaos:
I have long been into gyaru in my teens but wasn't brave enough to take the plunge into gyaru fashion because this was back when people heavily tanned and I just wasn't brave enough for that. Plus, I kind of liked being a ghost as strange as that sounds. I didn't know shiro gyaru existed back in those days! I don't even fully know how to explain how I got into gyaru because it kind of just followed me before I knew what the fuck it was. I wasn't exposed to manba/yamanba first or even Hime Gyaru. I was exposed to a lot of gyaru inspired looks done on celebs for j-dramas/magazines/PVs or references from manga series that sometimes aren't always labelled as gal but definitely include gyaru elements without screaming to the world it is that. I was exposed to Eurobeat through the Initial D series which eventually lead me into finding Para Para videos back before even YouTube existed... Thanks Kazzaa and BitTorrent. Lmao.
In all, my exposure to the fashion was very "Avex" oriented with some hints from manga and dramas on the side. I was super blessed to live near San Francisco. By the time I was in high school I was often taking the BART (the Bay Area subway system) to Japan Town-there they had a Kinokuniya and I really immersed myself into the magazines there. I was really into celeb culture at that time so I actually looked at a lot of visual kei and J-Pop magazines. I remember noticing Ayumi Hamasaki, Koda Kumi, and Namie Amuro often on the covers of the J-Pop ones. Popteen was really pretty but the fashion at that time was kind of plain to me? I dunno how to explain it but I was in a lolita/v-kei phase and didn't really see gyaru fashion as an intricately styled fashion at that time. This is before lashes were incorporated and circle lenses were a thing. And when I finally did see manba/yamanba/ganguro, I knew that the substyle wasn't for me at all.
It wasn't until I saw Koakuma Ageha that I really wanted to participate in gyaru. Beforehand I wanted to dress like celebs that def inspired gyaru but wore really gaudy fashion for PVs and lives. I thought Ayu and Namie were especially pretty. The girls in Para Para videos were also pretty to me but back then I didn't look into brands or anything. Mind you, this was back in the gyaru boom and I thought that the plain things was just how everyday Japanese girls dressed. Fancy things were for celebs (which is partially true but not ). Which I mean...to be fair...a lot of people who weren't normally into gyaru did buy from or were influenced by the 109 brands even if they weren't all out gal at the time.
Ageha made me want to participate because the fashion was really gaudy and intricate. They didn't tan. It was really make up focused with long eyelashes and big hair. It felt unattainable but attainable if that makes any sense... So by the time I was nineteen, I finally wanted to give it a try.
When I first started participating in doing gyaru fashion I feel like my own clothes were quite plain but my makeup and hair were quite extra. I think in a way, that was my peak era. I was a fresh 19/20-ish, I was 114 pounds (the lightest weight I've ever been), and had a very limited budget. I super invested in circle lenses but most of my make up was drugstore and Daiso lashes stacked by 3. I'd also usually splurge on Got2B hairspray and had somehow gotten my hair to *work* for me. I think it's because it was shorter and I hadn't grown it out yet so it was easier to curl and work with because it wasn't so heavy.
When I had very little to work with, it ironically made me the most creative. In my youth, I was really good at making something out of nothing. I think my weight and me being young also kind of helped because I could slide into discount clothes easily or shop at stores that kind of did have a one-size fits all demographic back in those days.
I didn't think about much other than perfecting my look while trying to figure out how to coordinate something that would look good.
Despite that, people often weren't very kind to me. Outsiders that is. My heavy makeup and lenses often confused them and people often felt entitled to touch my wigs or hair or need a reason for why I dressed the way I did. Men often felt especially entitled to talk to me and when I'd visit friends in San Francisco or where ever I never quite felt safe by myself made-up as I was. Personally, I've always felt like I've been a lone gyaru where there hasn't be the safety of a strength in numbers.
Funnily enough, I personally think my clothes weren't that extra or sexy back in the day. It was just the makeup and I'd often make a habit of hiding behind sunglasses so nobody would talk to me or be distracted by my eye makeup.
As I grew older and more capable of getting my life slightly more together than it originally was, I finally was able to indulge in the clothes I fawned over. At first, I went ham and was absolutely extra. I was going to cons, fashion events, and concerts. The more out-there the better. I think this was around 21-22 that I really started indulging in the shit that I had liked for so long. It was a pretty fulfilling feeling to be able to finally buy things that you've fawned over for years. I was making up for lost time.
Keep in mind, when I was younger-it was still the recession. I lived in kind of a difficult area (and still kind of do) so it was really hard to do what I wanted in terms of just life milestones and gyaru. When I wasn't filling out a ton of job applications I was fawning over clothes I couldn't afford. So finally being able to wear things that I had wanted for years really hit me a different way. Even to this day, sometimes I just look at my closet and cry/feel very blessed because it's something I never thought I'd ever get to have to properly do. It's so petty but as someone who really loved this stuff, it means a lot especially when you've had to make sacrifices or save up.
And with that being said, that was the thing. I never quite grew out of the stuff I liked despite fashion and trends changing. I just liked what I liked and I still think that stands pretty true even today. I just like really detailed clothing and accessories and sometimes that is where the "brand" appeal is for me. I've never done things because they're popular but because I've genuinely always liked it. My closet has never had a turnover rate and yet is busting at the seams because I have too much. It doesn't help that I've never chosen one specific substyle and dress according to my mood or where I'm going. A lot of people associate me with rokku and agejo because I do it the most-fair enough-but I like a lot of other substyles too. I just might not have a lot in my collection for that substyle or am waiting to get all of the proper pieces to make a cohesive coordinate.
Anyway, as I quit my retail jobs and decided to go back to school-my priorities slightly shifted. I had a little bit of a tighter budget and my purchases really had to count and be thoughtful. I wanted my style to be a little less high maintenance considering I'd have 8 am classes and would binge studying late into the night for math classes or for whatever else. Not only that but my community college was incredibly small and I really didn't favor being alienated when it came to group projects or whatever else. Regardless, I feel like I was *still* too extra for school but it's something I've compromised with and made peace with too.
So when I started to look for brand items, it was less about being extra and more about items that I could dress up or down. That was really important to me because I really wanted to wear stuff I loved but I knew I couldn't just walk around in thigh high stockings, body con dresses with lace, and tiaras in my hair. I needed items that could double up-that I could dress up and down. Basically, I needed a style that was versatile.
I also got sick of feeling like people were entitled to an explanation as to what I was doing. It bothered me to be rude (even if people were rude towards me) but it also was exhausting repeating myself or going into a lengthy explanation.
I think I got into the habit of dressing for school. I also started going to less events. I know a lot of people would knock on me for dressing gyaru at a con or whatever. But to be fair, when I would go to a con or an event, there was usually a fashion event going on or a music thing and that was the whole reason I was going. Gyaru isn't a cosplay to me. However, I don't feel safe wearing my craziest things because I spend a lot of time alone or I don't want to burden my normally dressed friends who feel the need to protect me from unwanted attention. I also like reserving my best for events because I don't like wearing my everyday things to something where I want to show off. I want event outfits to be kind of special. I don't know if that makes sense...
But yeah, I started going to less events as I got older because there were fewer fashion events that I was interested in and not as many music things that catch my interest. However, when I *do* go out, I'd like to think I have nothing to prove to anyone. I'm capable of going all out. But my nicer stuff is meant to be special and for special occasions.
At a certain age, you stop wanting to prove yourself or need that type of validation. I can see where there would be a misunderstanding in such when you tone your shit down.
Another reason I made my style as it was is because I wanted to be approachable/real. I feel like if I make my style more approachable the people who are possibly interested in it won't be taken aback. I can explain my clothes are from Japan or Japanese fashion influenced and then show them a picture of what it's based on where it gradually builds up into showing crazier things if someone is interested enough/researches on their own. I find that people are a lot nicer to me if they can relate to what I'm doing (though this changed later on but we'll get into that in a bit).
Honestly, when I was organizing Papillion, the point of Baby Gals wasn't because the gals chosen were actually baby gals. If anything some of them were quite seasoned and I adored their style (and still do). It was the fact that their style was a really good way to get new gals into the fashion because their style was super approachable but really unique to me. I felt like that worked for me in outside situations and it would be a really good addition. Plus sometimes you don't wanna look 100% wild and crazy. Sometimes you just wanna look nice and have the influences in there without the hassle.
I feel like sometimes people forget that when you're going all out on your style-it can be intimidating to outsiders and there's a disconnect. Sometimes the people interested don't know where to begin or have the resources. It's one thing to write/or say what to do to someone but it's another thing to show and exemplify it so it's easier to connect to. Yeah, you can share Japanese gals in a magazine but Westerners can't relate to that as a reference because the makeup is tricky as is the hair and finding the right resources. That was definitely why Baby Gals was a thing.
Baby Gals for me was a cute label/name for approachable gals for the magazine rather than a label for the girls' skillset. I feel like the same goes for myself but I feel like I weave in and out of being extra. I'm capable but I reserve it for specific things and sometimes I just don't feel safe enough to do so. If I'm more approachable the easier it is to have conversations with others. I've had a lot of potential gals back in the day reach out for help and I was always happy to help within reason. I get hesitant in terms of where to find things because omg my resources being dried up (some shit you just gotta keep secret lmao) but with makeup or basic styling tips, I'm very happy to help.
Also in terms of my style personally, I'm also getting older and as I've gotten older, the less I can get away with sadly. I'm turning 29 in September and I almost feel like a granny in this fashion. There's a lot of gyaru who retire well before my age. I've even been told I'm pretty juvenile to still be participating in the fashion and don't dress my age. It's a little disheartening to hear but I try to keep my spirits up.
How I see it is-I'm not married. I don't have kids. I don't intend to have either in my life. I'm really focused on myself currently as selfish as it sounds. And dressing up makes me happy. It's an anti-depressant of sorts. It helps get me through my days because instead of worrying about my life (I still do but maybe less) I get to worry about what I'm wearing tomorrow and what type of makeup I'm about to experiment with. It's really helped relieve my stress until shit actually started stressing me out...
Which gets me into what happened a year ago....and how I kind of left but came back to gal..or kind of never left depending on who you are and how you see it..lmao Some people are very kind and have insisted I never left-that I just took a break to do my own thing.
Almost a year ago, I fell out of love with gyaru for a moment due to a couple of different reasons. Mainly due to how the community functions. I don't know if I'll ever truly get into that subject but shit happens and I wasn't happy and mostly irritated and upset a lot of the time behind the scenes. lol. There are a few really nice people who are well-meaning people in the community and honestly that's what kind of kept me around.
There was also this stress over some internalized pressure to always be extra. Being a part of a magazine and being the first brainchild that ended up internally creating this need to be like...on point-because you're one the faces of it. Same went with being a part of circle and leading both of these things. I feel scared to not be always on my A-game...and it got exhausting. I don't know how to explain how that happened but it was a thing.
Like I even got to the point where I felt like my Instagram feed needed to be planned out and filtered perfectly. That I needed to post frequently and be as glam as I possibly could be because everyone else around me posted that way and now I have this responsibility attached so I need to look the part. I kind of went against my own damn article and at some points; I felt like I was lying to readers about how things are in general. I'm being a bit vague for the same of having peace but it just didn't feel authentic and that sucked... And it was basically due to the company I kept because when you hang around people enough sometimes you pick up their habits and what works for them doesn't always work for you.
Doing gyaru not only got exhausting for me but it also got downright got scary.
Scary you ask? Why yes. Another reason why I grew to hate gyaru was because I had been bullied... Something that kind of triggered PTSD within me because I thought shit like that got left at the door at high school. And even in high school-you'd go home and wouldn't follow you and you'd have possibly a sense of peace for an evening at least. Suddenly I realized that high school was tame when bullying doesn't get left at adolescence and can be so extreme to where mine followed me to my home...
Almost a year ago, I moved to a different city to attend university and restructure my life. I was really looking forward to it. I had kind of lived according to how my family expected me to with not much outside socialization at times. I was really excited to go to physical classes instead of online ones. I was excited to be in a city that was a destination where friends would actually be willing to travel to hang out with me. I was really looking forward to living my life how I wanted to. I lived with four other girls on my university campus. Something that I was definitely nervous about. I have a track record of girls not liking me in general. I've always gotten along with boys better than I do girls for some reason and yet I never feel safe around boys fully based on the fact that I never know if they only want a friendship with me and that's usually all I want and am looking for.
Anyway, one of my roommates was pretty outgoing. I really thought I'd get along with her because she seemed really extroverted the first day I moved in. However, that took a very sudden shift about a week into living in the dorms. I've always been really good at suspecting foul play against me (it's like I have spidey senses when I know someone is talking shit about me lmao. like..I just know) and just didn't have a good feeling about my living situation. I hated to make assumptions but my instincts ended up being way more than correct. My rather conservative roommate had made my way of dressing and acting her business. Being extra suddenly risked my safety. For a while, I had been secretly ganged up when I had first arrived there and made to feel immature and incompetent based on my love for alternative fashion. My kindness was mistaken for stupidity and weakness. I couldn't trust anyone and often locked myself in my own room. I had to study anyway-I had a pretty overwhelming workload as an English major and I just didn't feel safe or like I could truly be myself in the place I lived.
It was a difficult adjustment on campus because I did a lot of things alone and felt pretty alienated when it came to eating in the dining commons or just doing basic things and seeing a lot of other people with their friends. I didn't quite have that and people weren't so nice. lmao. It was really discouraging my first semester but I would always remind myself that I wasn't here to make friends. I was here to get my long overdue degree and get the hell out of here. Fuck making friends. Keep your eye on the prize.I often overworked myself due to not socializing too. When I wasn't working on my massive school workload, I was trying to catch up with magazine stuff or circle stuff or whatever else for my own SMS. For a month or two...I don't think I just ever took a break. Even when I socialized outside of campus I felt guilty for doing so knowing I had to study. I still did very well fall semester but it was just me overworking and not realizing I was...? I was probably doing so because I was unhappy and trying not to think about it via working hard hoping everything would pay off in the long run.
Eventually, my being isolated without a support system lead to this girl taking joy in making me fear her knowing she could do whatever and not have anyone defend me fully. Eventually, she tried to actually fight me one day when it was just me and her there. I won't describe how fully but trust me, it really shook me up because it was a pretty abnormal situation where I would have least expected someone to come at me. I was getting ready to go to class and suddenly I thought about skipping because I was afraid to be there alone with that person and be out of my room. This was ridiculous. It was suddenly hindering my studies. All because I was different and tried to avoid someone/give them their space. I was afraid to be alone with this person in the place I lived in. It was one thing for people to be shitty to me outside of my home but it was another thing when I couldn't even be myself or be vulnerable inside of where I lived... I tried to rectify the situation with higher up people because it was affecting why I was in school but I was disregarded and I had to kind of just..deal with it. I'm not a fighter and never will be. I highly dislike confrontation so actually being cornered to physically fight would have really sucked. Matter of fact, I probably would have gotten in a worse situation than I already was is because this roommate was training to be a cop/volunteering at a station and we know how that goes-at least within my country.
I was scared shitless and I am almost afraid to openly talk about the situation but I think as long as I don't disclose names, I'll be okay. I'm trying to get the courage to talk about this because I felt really alone in this situation and I'm hoping by telling my story, that maybe another university student or a gyaru in college who might encounter the same situation will feel less alone. I went through it as an older adult and it was hard. It was frustrating being disregarded or talked to like a child when I had every right to feel concerned.
It's definitely a very large reason why I suddenly was afraid to be myself or do anything that would make me a larger target. Suddenly wearing make up the way I wanted to and dressing up nicely felt scary in real life and felt like a chore on the internet based on everything that went on with projects and a comm surrounding the hobby. It just made me feel self-conscious for liking the shit I liked because I was made to feel like it was crazily abnormal and that I should be ashamed for liking things...
I'll be honest, I was so devastated and even went through an identity crisis. It feels stupid to ask who I was or what did I have to look forward to outside of gyaru... But that was the truth. Around this time when I had moved-I had dealt with an eye infection the first weekend of moving to Sacramento (something that had never ever happened to me before), a finger infection the next week after this episode-another thing I've never ever had happen and literally thought I had to go to the ER for the first time in 20 years of my life (I was convinced Sacramento was trying to kill me :') ). And then I had a difficult class I was placing hella time into and the time I was throwing is wasn't reflecting my grade. That hit my pride pretty badly considering I was an A student when it came to English subjects. To make matters even worse, my dog of twelve years died right before my birthday and I was in a completely different city when it happened. My friendships also changed around this time. There's more to this situation that I'm talking about on here but basically-my priorities had to change in order to survive and that's on more levels than you all will ever know. This was all on top of the bullying situation and the adjustment of moving cities all by myself (which I know people do that all the time but hey, it takes me a minute to adapt to change) ...
And here I was feeling all of this stuff about a fashion that was my anti-depressant beforehand. Gyaru had been my way of self-medicating and suddenly I hated it based on me not feeling safe and horrible about a lot of different situations associated with gyaru. In an instant- I didn't have my coping mechanism that had often made me feel a little happier. If I ever felt sad, I'd play with makeup or focus on planning out a really cool outfit for the next time I went out. I felt like I lost my love for that and kind of didn't have the luxury anymore...
SO...I toned down. I stopped dressing up. I kind of...conformed sadly. I still wore makeup but often wouldn't wear my brands or throw on eyeliner. There were days I would only do my eyebrows and foundation. I'd even go out with friends without makeup on and would feel naked or not like myself. I wouldn't want people to like...look at me. Gyaru beforehand had been a huge confidence booster for me. I have pretty awful skin problems and I'm not the prettiest person in general. It makes it hard to me to be outgoing or extroverted due to my self-consciousness. Instead of complaining about all of my shortcomings like I used to in my teenaged years-I decided to become proactive and pursue gyaru in order to fix the things I didn't like about myself. It's a shitty clutch, I know but it had helped me beforehand so much. And suddenly I really wasn't happy doing so but I didn't know what I was happy with anymore. I didn't feel like myself fully but the fashion felt exhausting and brought up a lot of awful feelings. I was conflicted. I really thought about retiring from the fashion all together last year.
I used to never understand why some of my older friends would leave J-Fashion entirely and tone down. Especially when they were at their peak. They were so good at what they did and were doing so much..I just didn't get why they'd leave all of that behind after loving it so much. That was until I started becoming more active myself. Then I totally understood how you could fall out of love with the thing you loved once you were way more active and involved with other people. It suddenly made sense.
But somewhere in me didn't really wanna leave... I still loved it but I hated a lot of the mindset around it and I hated how outsiders treated me due to it.
My first semester at my university passed. I had survived and I was really determined to make 2020 a better year for me and to be fair, I had started off this year right. I tried to start with a different mindset. Especially since it was a new decade. 2019 had a lot of growing pains. The last ten years have been wild for me. I wanted to happier more than I was sad. Especially since moving created a huge lifestyle change for me and honestly-things were slowly looking up.
Thankfully my really bad roomie moved out and I felt a little safer. Not all the way but...much better than I had been. I went to a concert, treated myself to VIP tickets, dressed up for the first time in what felt like was forever, and felt good about it. And other people are insanely nice to me that whole night which was a breath of fresh air after being nitpicked for months or being made to feel like a child. I also got a much calmer roomie situation when I went back to school and was adapting a lot better during the spring semester. Things were going insanely smooth. Like..suspiciously smooth because it never goes that way for me.
And then...COVID happened. Of course, the world would implode as soon as I finally get settled. That's such a "Darla" thing to happen! lmao. I know everyone's in it together but for real, the irony of my life is usually there's absolute chaos going on even when good things are happening (and I never quite get my moment because of the chaos in the background or it interrupting it completely) so when it was going really good/peacefully for a moment-I'm not gonna lie, I was really suspicious and low a behold-the bad thing happened (of course it would lmao). That gut instinct man...
However, I'm really glad that I kind of prioritized my closer friendships around this time because if I had just focused on the magazine or whatever else-I really would have missed out on time with them and even now I miss them terribly. If there's one thing about leaving my projects that I don't regret-it's spending more time with my friends outside of gyaru. Because for a while, anytime we hung out it felt like it was circle meet or magazine related and they got neglected for a while... I'm glad we got to spend time just hanging out without anything looming over it other than my stressful living situation. Usually, we all had our own problems and vented them out at karaoke as you do...
I'm also glad that having more time on my hands really made me reassess my feelings about gyaru fashion. I've come to a conclusion on it all because I've had time to think because shit slowed down...
I think..people are allowed to have a hobby and enjoy it. Some people feel that gyaru is a lifestyle. For me, it's a hobby for me more than anything and an anti-depressant. Something to look forward to when I have the time and energy to do so. I enjoy dressing up but it's unrealistic to do it every day. Maybe I'm more of an enthusiast than a full-on lifestyler. And you know what....? I think that that's okay.
It sneaks into what I'm interested in even when I'm not dressed up.
You can like something and not have to need validation that you're enough. You can be passionate about something and not involve yourself with others. Which...that part is hard to talk about and it's something that gives me anxiety to really open up on via the internet because I've kept a lot of these opinions and feelings to myself for almost a good six months to a year.
Basically, when I began to make gyaru content again I was really worried that there would be a huge stink about it. Like okay, here she is making gyaru content but isn't part of the community anymore. I was afraid of really putting myself out there because I was being really introverted and what I was doing was kind of contradicting. I was making content for a community or for people who liked stuff-but I wasn't really interacting or involving myself fully anymore. I was afraid to and still am due to some reasons.
I think I've come up with an answer to all of this- not that I owe anyone that but here it is:
I enjoy making content. I love filming videos and wearing make up. I like sharing it with the internet. It's mainly to occupy my time now that I have some (ha! we'll see how well that goes once I'm back in school in a few weeks lmao) and I also do it because I love gyaru and J-Fashion in general. I no longer care about numbers or about how much feedback I'm getting from what I'm posting or making. I'm not leading shit anymore so it makes it a little less stressful. I do shit when I get the time to. If I don't get around to being consistent? That's okay. No pressure.
I'm mainly doing it for me and if others are along for the ride? That's fine too. I'm making the content I wish I had when I had first started and when J-Fashion content was incredibly scarce. Nowadays, the internet is flooded with different things but I'm glad to be a part of the vastness. And in terms of the magazine, even though I left, I'm glad that people have stuck by it and have something to look forward to. Especially in trying times like these. However, the community and the mindset around it just wasn't for me. I didn't feel happy within it. I realized that just because you like the same things as others doesn't always mean you vibe well. And that's okay too.
I had to take the things out that were making me unhappy in order to do the thing that made me happy. Gyaru makes me happy but doing it for myself makes me the happiest. Whether it's extra enough or on-trend enough or whether or not I can't Para Para or tan or if my follower count is up to par....none of that matters. For a while? I got caught up in it. Because I was leading shit and it felt like everyone else around me cared about their analytics and how often they did things. I realized it wasn't the fashion that made me unhappy. It was the mindset around and what lurked outside of that realm via my roommate that did.
COVID helped me fall back in love with it because ironically when you're by yourself you have a fuck ton of time to think about shit. Life suddenly slowed down and I realized how much I missed dressing up and how much I missed writing about J-Fashion. Yes, I could have done normal-style make up videos but I've been doing my make up this way for a good portion of my twenties and it's hard to get out of the habit and I actually enjoy doing it.
I just enjoy doing it my way. For me, myself, and I. If it inspires or helps others along the way? Fine. Then we're in the ride together.
I just wanted to be more raw and authentic to who I am. Even if it was ugly or boring or whatever. I didn't want a carefully filtered feed. I wanted to be a diary and show that my life wasn't always glam or whatever else. That I had moments where I wasn't but when I did-I went hard and did it with love rather than internalized obligation.
I just wanted to be person. I didn't want people to like me or only reach out to me because I was a circle leader or a part of magazine they wanted to be a part of. I wanted people to talk to me because they liked who I was a person and because they liked what I did-not what I was associated with. I don't know if that makes sense but I definitely felt that way at a point in time... My life isn't fun or glamorous or anything like that most of the time. It's really chaotic and stressful at times but I hope be becoming more transparent sheds light onto what happened.
I don't expect people to take kindly to me talking about any of this. I'm pretty scared to say anything but I've gotten questions on some things lately via my DMs or comments on vids and I felt like it was necessary to just...throw my viewpoint out there and be a real person who went through some shit for a bit. I hope that's okay and I hope that moving forward that it can be okay to be who I am, as I am...and just...live and do what I love when I feel like I have the energy to do so.
If you've read this far, thank you? This is probably lengthy and monotonous and I appreciate the time taken to read it all.
Until next time guys... Stay safe and well.
